I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

http://www.iwillremember.ca/garyboittiaux
i can't open my left eye. my allergies have completely taken over my body. i don't know what to do. i'm sick of taking medications, nothing's fix it.. and i'm sick of seeing doctors that keep feeding me medications that aren't doing anything for me. i'm itchy and embarrassed and don't want to see anybody. i can't stop crying because i feel like crap.. and that's shameful because it's nothing to cry about.. and today is my dad's day.. and i miss him like crazy.. and time doesn't do anything. it still feels like the very first day i had to say goodbye.




i changed the song to one he used to sing on early mornings. every morning was the same. every day felt the same.. and i was fine with that. i remember waking up to the sound of my dad in the shower and my mom turning up the weather channel so she could sing along with it. she'd dress me while i was sleeping, and he'd come out of the shower in a towel to ask me what shirt was better as i opened my eyes slow. it was normal for me to wake up in their bed. at night time i'd leave my room to get in between my mom and dad. it was a safe zone from night mares and monsters.
my mom would change the channel to morning cartoons and start cooking breakfast. you'd think we'd be sick of the grilled cheese sandwiches by now, but we weren't. she'd throw them on to a paper towel and we'd be off.. ready to face the day. gotta grab my sister and my brother. both would have their music blasting as they got ready.. and we'd head to the garage. me in the middle, my sister behind my dad who was in the driver's, and my brother behind my mom. pulling out my dad always put his arm behind my mom's passenger, an essential when pulling out.. it was easier to look behind you.. but as a kid, i didn't see that. i saw that as my dad saying how much he loved my mom.



the three of us would all make fun of each other. my mom would tell us to stop, and my dad would follow my mom, whilst smiling though. almost to say that we were comedians. drop my sister off at daniel mac and my brother at sargent park.. and then to bueno brothers, where i spent my morning before i went to school.
this was mine and my dad's time. after everyone greeted my parents with their good morning's, i ran to the back office. artwork from a four year old wall-papered his office walls, and he put a tv back there so i could watch inspector gadget. he'd do his paperwork while i made more artwork.. and we'd have conversations about absolutely nothing. as it came time for me to go to kindergarten, he'd grab a tapioca pudding, our favorite.. and we'd share it on the walk to school.. "goodbye princess" and a kiss on the cheek. i was his "little princess", and he was my "superman". & it was all too easy.
it was a routine. it was the same every day.. and it was perfect. i miss you.
time will never change how much i miss you.



every day, every single day daddy. i remember. i will always remember. i love you. i miss you. i love you, i miss you.. and i just can't .. do this right now.