EAT EM UP.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CUZ.

SUGA TOWN.

Couldn't take the sadness so I messaged my friend, Jheff. Sometimes, you just need a good friend to let you be a mess in front of.

Went to visit my cousin. Had many tears, and many thoughts. Things just aren't the same without this guy. Miss him so much and it just floods out in pools, waves, tsunamis. I try so hard to live for you, for everyone. This guy just knew what he was doing, and maybe he didn't know where he was going, but he knew how to live. It's not fair that someone who could have wrote the manual was taken away so soon. I hope I can be at least a little bit of you. The coolest dude. Best dude. Love and miss you Kuya, so much.

Squareheads forever.

JUST ONE OF THEM MISSIN KUYA ANTHONY DAYS.

Tribute To Anthony Bueno from Dan Feriolo on Vimeo.

IF I COULD JUST..

If for just one day I could have one more run into you. One more hug. One more shared bottle of vodka. One more spliff. One more trip to the movies or buying a handful of knick knacks. One more walk for slurpees. One more dance. One more night of fake dollar bills thrown everywhere. One more "Jess watch this, watch" UFC nights. One more dinner. One more guitar lesson. One more phone call.

One more anything. Just one more.

I MISS MY FUCKING COUSIN.

Miss this. And ugh, just can't.

CHEERS.

A few Halloweens ago I bumped into you at a party. I had to go to the bathroom and when I opened the door you were in there. On the floor. With an open briefcase surrounded with fake money. I wasn't even phased, didn't wonder why you were on the floor at all, but I did have one question, "HEY! YAY! What the hell is all this fake money for?!". You replied, "It's for throwing, Jesus you're dumb. Here. Let's get drunk.", and handed me the hugest bottle of the most disgusting vodka I have ever tasted.
We danced and threw money all night.

Still trying to tone down my excitement of the thought of possibly running into you tonight. Wish it were true. Miss you like crazy. Cheers.

EAT EM UP FOREVER.

COOL GUY.

The little things get to me the most. Every time I grab ice, I'm reminded of how when you were over, there was never ice; you would never fill the ice cube tray. As much as it annoyed me then, full ice cube trays have the same annoyance. I hate a filled ice cube tray so much.

I miss you cleaning out my cupboards, and coming over for dinner. I miss you covering the peephole with your eye or your mouth. I miss running into you.

I miss you so much, still, every day.

This shit is still un-real to me.
Please dream visit me.

THE MAN.

I miss him a lot today. I've just spent the past few looking at pictures of him and re-capping stories in my head. It still feels so un-real. It still almost feels like it hasn't happened. I have this idea warped in my head that I just haven't seen you in awhile. It really kills to force in reality. You're so amazing. Tears and laughter are on over-flow today.

I hope that wherever you are you're doing what you did best.. I don't know what the word for that is, but I still know you did it best.

I miss you so so so so much. Xo.

GO TO THIS.

I'll be in Winnipeg for this. If you are, you should be there too.

Thank you again to everyone for their continued support. Let's do it big for the guy who deserves nothing less.

ALL THE WAY FROM TEXAS.

There aren't many things that have touched me as much as this one. There is something so surreal about having an audience that reads your words and actually feels them. There is something even more surreal about that same audience connecting to you and going out of their way to try and heal you.

Well. Let me tell you how Kim from Texas did that.

This girl wrote me the most touching, heart-warming, thoughtful card I have ever received. Along with that, she included a simply beautiful piece of jewellery. Her words stated that it was a heart so my cousin could be kept close to mine, his birthstone was also on the chain, and that the angel wing reflects him always being my angel in the sky. I cried for days. No one has ever done anything so wonderful for me. No one has ever been so thoughtful, so sweet. This is the absolutely most perfect piece of anything I have ever gotten.

For that, I shall treasure this little piece of silver for the rest of my life.

I can't say thank you enough. I really can't. If I could find some way to thank you every second for the rest of my days, it still wouldn't be enough.

My dearest Kim, thank you for being a reader. Thank you for reading. Thank you for this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You truly are one of the most treasured people to ever step into my little cyber world, and believe me when I say, you opened the door and made it a whole lot bigger. I can't wait til the day we meet. I owe you a trillion hugs.

Xoxo, all my love, Houston stand up!

IT'S BEEN ..

40 days. It's been 40 days without you. In significance of that, my family is hosting a prayer to say our final goodbye. Religiously, my family believes that today is the day we set him "free". I, personally, am totes not into this whole religion thing. A lot of us younger folk aren't. I stopped going to church with my mom when I was like.. 10. I think I've only been four times since that, and two were for weddings. Or some shit like that.
Regardless of my questions and beliefs (let's never talk about religion, why do we do it?!), I know today is going to be super really crazy hard. I've been trying to avoid the thought of it all day. A coffee break earlier almost had me break down in tears, but I was with company so I held it in. You gotta be strong to keep the people around you strong. I believe in that. There's also another side of me that says I don't gotta be shit though. Like, I can be weak if I want to. Right?! Whatever. Today I agree with that half. So, at this prayer/final goodbye/Kuya's 40 days I'm not going to try to be anything. I'm going to let it all out if it comes out.

Grab your tissues guys, tonight's gonna be a doozy.

SUNDAY NOT SO FUNDAY.

Sunday family dinners just aren't the same without you, cuz. I still find myself packing extra turkey for ya in my take-out box. This weekend held for a lot of beer, a lot of tears, but a lot of laughs too. Even without a cell phone, I can certainly count on the people who matter most to find me.. and that screams special.

Thanks.

And to everyone who hates me right now, well.. I've got nothing for ya. Continue to pick your reasons. I'm still here.

I'm meeting a lot of new people, and having a glorious time with my usuals.
Phasing in and out between crying like a basket case and laughing my ass off. Now I know that it might be a little tired, but for me.. I think I'm doing a lot better.. Actually, I want to refrain from saying the word "better". Let's just say I'm grasping the rope a little tighter.

Time to hit the books with a glass of wine.

Love. Xoxox.

BIRTHDAY BOY.

Took this on his birthday.

FLYER.

Thanks for this one, Leah. He's wearing my dad's shirt in this pic. Love, love, love.

SMOKEY.

LAST NIGHT I HEARD EVERYTHING IN SLOW MOTION..

There are a zillion things I wish I had said to you, but I think the main one is, "I love you".

I know I have said it.. but not enough.

You gave me so much. You did. One day you came over, and you handed me a Wu-Tang poster. I was so stoked. It wasn't my birthday, it wasn't Christmas. It was just an ordinary day. And you bought it, for me. It goes so much further than material things. You taught everyone around you to LIVE. When trying to gather thoughts of what it was you were good at.. there's so many to list. You were an amazing musician, a comedian, a wrestler, a brilliant artist, a character, a terrific dancer, a respected critic.. and with all of that; what you gave to the world was life.
You truly gave off a charisma and charm that no one could ever match. Even your insults made me smile because as my brain scurried for a comeback, I couldn't get over just how much you were making me laugh.

I wish I could at least thank you. The idea of you ceasing to exist is not one I would like to keep in my head, but it's a thought I can't escape. I don't wanna face the facts that you won't be here with us anymore. I keep phasing in and out of this state where I force myself to think about it and essentially fall into a zone of sadness. I don't want to be sad, but I also feel that when I'm not thinking about you, my mind tricks me into thinking you'll come around the corner with that crazy smile, aviator sunglasses, leather jacket, and you'll call my name and I'll say, "HEY! What are you doing?! Where we going!?". I don't know which of the two phases is better. I can't seem to pick one that will help me.

I guess there isn't a thing that could really help right now. I know that I have to move forward, progress, succeed, party, enjoy my life, and live.. the way you expect all of us to. I just can't do that yet. Things aren't the same. They never will be the same.. and although I get that, I'm trying to find a way to believe that things will be, at the very minimum, okay.

At present time, I don't expect okay. I know that's going to be a battle for a while, but I feel it's the only way to heal.


I miss you so much.

I can't stop bringing you up, regardless of who I'm with. Absolutely everything to cross my path reminds me of you.. and when I'm not doing that, it's only this magnetic pull of "BOTCH STOP" that I force onto myself to try and live what everyone else knows as a "normal life".

Fuck a normal life right now, man.

I fucking miss you so much, and all the screaming I do into my pillow won't bring you back.. and I know that niether will my tears.. I know that clenching my fists and smoking til my throat hurts won't bring you back.. but I don't feel like anything else fits right now.

Nothing else.. fits.

I just.. miss you. And you left us too fucking soon. And it's not fair. And I hate everything that isn't about you. And I hate everything that is about you, because it brings me back to two weeks ago.. when you were insulting me, and asking me to play smackdown.. and I just wanna go back to that simple moment.. and hug you..

I can't. I can't. And that shit fucking hurts.

You.. are all things every single one of us ever wanted to be, but were too chicken shit of reactions. You didn't give a fuck about that, and although it hurts right now.. I'm going to keep you in my head.. because I refuse to let any reaction tell me what the fuck to do. I miss you, and that's that.

You said it'd be alright.. but I just don't know.

THINGS WITHOUT HIM, JUST SUCK.