WE NEED TO TALK.

 

I made a playlist that covers the good and the ugly. Some songs just hit ya. From missing you to loving you, this ones for the ones in love, the heartbreaks, and the best days. Music is meant to take you places, and sometimes that's forward, sometimes it's backward, but if it moves ya, then the song is doing the job! I hope you find a song you like.

Xo, 

Botch

FUCK BOYS.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING TEXT HIM!"

- an inner battle I faced today that I came dangerously close to losing. What's a phone call though?

I don't wanna date a fuck boy. You know how easy it is to get boys?! Suuuuuuper easy. All you gotta do is look at 'em. And they're all ready to slurp your face and grab your butt. I don't want a fuck boy though. I want to dance like an idiot with my man and have make out sessions in the morning while we recover from last night's booze adventure to some Netflix. I don't want to date these ignant fucks who tell me my butt's cute. Only my boyfriend is allowed to tell me my butt's cute, okay? And I don't have a boyfriend, so step off, fuck face.

I am not a toy.

Gawdddddd.. if you were lonely for New Year's, don't worry, Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and these boys be thirsty. Yayyyyyyy.

(Not.)

IT'S AS IF..

It's as if everything I've done prior doesn't matter.
I've completely faded from the most important thing to a stranger.

I am not given time to speak, or be heard, or recognized.
Words of praise quickly turned into words of hate.

So many people hoped for this and wanted this.

Immaturity before adult conversation, because my existence should not matter unless I abide to every rule in the life book and never have any thing close to a human mistake/break down/emotion.

Hold everyone else's mistakes in your hands, so that your level of superiority does not leave you.
Grasp tight to the fact that you are perfect, constructed robotically to ensure your entire self-less being is only slightly out-shined by your holistic presence. Hold on to all of that, for the sake of us no good-fuck up-useless-cold-hearted shit bags who have no remorse or regret for the almighty being that is you.

I couldn't find the gears to transform me into everything I was supposed to be, so let me continue down this downward spiral until my existence isn't plaguing yours.

Send all of your continued disgust down the road of no forgiveness. I'm trying to hitch a ride under the sign that says "Wrong turn, all the time". A place that *you've* never driven down, even though it's the only road home.

I'VE GIVEN UP ON SOCIAL NICETIES.

I THREW 'EM OUT WHEN I THREW OUT YOUR KEYS, ALONG WITH ALL YOUR RECORDS I CAN'T STAND. YOU NEVER EVEN LISTEN TO ANY ONE OF THEM. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA DRAG ME OUT AGAIN, WITH ALL THE PEOPLE THAT WERE NEVER EVER EVEN YOUR FRIENDS.WHAT'S WACK WEDNESDAY
my partner in crime and i some how came across the topic of "psycho relationship drama" in a conversation yesterday. now, i don't own a phD, and, i'm no psychiatrist, and i've never had my mind thoroughly picked apart.. but i'd like to think that the two of us are fairly intellectual and 100% normal.. but what makes normal?! certainly not drama-filled relationshits. now, since i've come to the conclusion that we're both not psycho, we've both taken the role of "momentarily psycho" in relationships.. and we've come to this final thought.. psycho relationships make you psycho.

now.. there are two ways that i could go about this entry.. number one, i could leave it at the one paragraph.. NOT going any further.. ORRRRRRRR i could tell you stories that the two of us discussed. WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE?!

well, i already know the answer to that question.. BUT BEFORE I DO, i would like to announce that i am completely risking everything i am to tell these stories.. and i am completely nervous about this entry, as well as petrified.. but i figure that this is my blog and i have to be as honest as i can, in order to fully show both how i've grown and also how normal i am.. hahaha. SERIOUSLY. psycho relationships make you psycho. i'm not psycho!

i am also not going to list which stories are mine, and which stories are b's. anonymity needs to play at least a small role. i'm also keeping them short. less details.. to protect both myself and the past.

CASE NUMERO UNO
girl lives with guy. guy doesn't come home that night. the next morning he arrives. she yells at him, he's fucked up and passes out. she tries to wake him up, he refuses then gets mad. he hands her a bat, tells her to hit him if she wants. then he takes the bat from her. she leaves, and falls, cutting her leg. he leans over and says, "you have nowhere to run baby."

CASE NUMERO DOS
in an argument, she slams his head into a car window. repeatedly.. followed by a lot of punching.

CASE NUMERO TRES
after a dispute about money, he takes all her cash, and rips it to pieces. she gets out of the car. he crashes the car into a tree.

CASE NUMERO QUATRO
after guy admits to cheating, girl sleeps with him.

there's a lot more, but i'm going to leave it at four for now. we'll see what kind of a response i get from this first. let it be known though, i do not approve these circumstances nor do i wish to ever live them again, but everything, GOOD OR BAD makes you who you are.. and although we didn't feel it at the time, all experiences have taught us just how amazing our lives are now.. so yo, you're either the last one standing or the last one to fall.

I ALWAYS HATED IT WHEN PEOPLE SAID

"long distance relationships don't work". i always thought that was such bull shit. they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. alex and i always made it work. no matter what. planes and greyhounds back and forth between winnipeg and toronto and korea and kenora and new york and the philippines.. and changing houses and mailing addresses and friends and schools and jobs. a shit load of waiting. a massive amount of patience. a fucking shit load of patience. too much mother fucking patience. enough patience to last a fucking life time. you know. whatever it took.
then you got people saying "how do you do it?!" .. how do we do it?! we did it for the fucks who said that this shit didn't work. we yelled at each other, we cried. we went through painful airport terminal goodbyes and greyhound stations. we maxed out credit cards on phone cards and long distance charges. we wronged each other to make it right. we made mistakes. we talked to too many exes and exchanged too many words.. but we did it to prove to those mother fuckers that long distance relationships DO work, no matter the cost.

& so. here i sit.. two years later.. never to tell myself, long distance relationships don't work.

if we last til tomorrow, sick. if we last til next week, awesome. if we last another month, another year, another fifty fucking years, fuckin' sweet. we'll look back at these days and laugh.. and we'll wonder why we ever thought it was this hard.

IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME.

did he call? dammit he didn't. i hate him. he's the worst ever. he's an asshole. fuck him. i don't care if he ever calls me again! my phone's ringing.. maybe it's him! ..dammit it's not. i should call.. just to say good-bye. for the last time.

you throw out all pictures. you blast your speakers til they bleed. you cry your soul out of your body til your throat feels like it's going to burst open.

get ready.. because this entry is going to be going through leaps and bounds of randomness and improper structure.

i've been through one too many break ups. & since it's break up season, i thought i'd cover it. i'm not currently going through a break up, i love my boyfriend.. but i can certainly speak from experience.. so here goes it. i seem to have the same routine with every break up.. as much as i say i hate the asshole that tore my heart to shreds, i check my cell phone every five minutes. i check my email. i re-visit old letters, pictures, and songs.. i go over our last meet.. & sometimes i even go back. & i don't even know what i think when i do it.. for instance.. we'll call him paul. paul and i broke up.. and after two weeks of not talking.. he called me. i watched as my phone rang once.. twice.. three times before i answered. in that time lapse i debated with myself between two thoughts "holy shit, he's calling me" and "should i answer?!".. well.. i answered. & after the whole "how are you holding up" conversation, i put on my best tough girl talk. you know the deal "okay, well i don't wanna talk to you anymore, bye".. but that was no use. i ended up going to see him anyway.
one of the hardest parts about a break up is just that.. the break up. the getting away. break ups don't take a day. they don't take a week. they take awhile. it takes more than just saying "fuck it, we're done". it takes deleting phone contacts, it takes ignoring text messages, it takes avoiding contact, by any means necessary.. and no matter how much you know that's true.. you end up ignoring all right.. and falling back in.

all of my past break ups have been replaced by a rebound. fuck me, that sounds horrible.. but i'm not trying to look like perfection, so fuck it.. let's get real. i make things easier for myself, by grabbing someone else's hand.. which didn't always work out for me. boys are sneaky. they are fucking tricks. no matter how hard you may seem, during a break up, boys can read that shit. it's safe to say that none of my rebounds lasted more than two months.. and that's of no fault than my own. juzz mine. i'm a stupid little girl who replaces emotions with emotions. it's much easier to throw a hoodie over your shirt than clean out the ink stain.. and that's what i do.
.. and once the rebound's gone.. my phone rings.. and i think "holy shit, he's calling me".. and i answer./
i think all girls love attention.. whether that be good or bad.. every dude that's liked me in the past, i've wanted them to keep on liking me. i like that feel of attention. feeling special is addicting.. you hold on to it because that feeling of flaws and imperfections leaves you.. because hey, one person, sees the good shit. so when he doesn't call.. you get worried. am i flawed?
from all relationships i've learned something. sometimes things repeated themselves, sometimes i learned something new. i've grown up a lot.. and i continue to grow every day. i always believe in education through life. relationships are considered phD's in my books.
.. but even with all the growing i've been doing. it's still hard to break away. to make that decision.. is it the right decision?! is a break up crossing the line?! maybe if you did more of this, and i did more of this.. can we work it out?! or are we really quits?! and when does this quitting become final?! cause my phone just rang..

so.. my question to you today is this..

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS AN EASY BREAK-UP?