TODAY IS PERLA'S BIRTHDAY!

.. and she's the best.

I CAN'T BE THAT FOR YOU, AND I'M SORRY.

I've only been in love twice. I've loved three times, but as far as the whole "can't feel my face-just wanna be with you-you're heroin and cocaine-yes you're drugs-head over heels-insane-crazy-beautiful-I want to breathe you-devour myself in all of you-oh lawd can't stop" type of love, yeah. That's only been twice. There's a difference between being in love, and loving someone, and I can't pinpoint exactly what it is, but I'll tell you as much as I think/know. I think the whole loving someone, includes respect, truth, and a whole lot of wanting to spend time with that person. Now, being in love, includes pain, occasional lies, and effort. That's kind of fucked up, isn't it? I mean, shouldn't being in love be as lovely and skip through the field of daisies happy as loving? It isn't.
BUT, once you've been in love. The feeling is so over-powering that it's hard to let go of, no matter how tiring it can be at times. However, being in love, and loving, despite their differences, do share a common denominator.. you can't pick it.
Some people talk about love at first sight, which I have never personally experienced. I have started loving and then grown to be in love. It's been a rollercoaster of tears and pain and hurts and fuck you's. The good's though, the good's. The hand holding, and the listening, and the laughing, and the breakfasts and lunches, and days of laying in bed not even talking.. outweigh everything. Being in love requires you be best friends, it requires you to love flaws, it's attraction, and lust, and sex, and hip hop shows, and movies, and the devouring I first opened with.

I can't be that to you, and I'm sorry. I'm working on loving myself right now, and I'm also in love right now. Now, my current relationship is nowhere near perfect, but I believe in it. And after all of.. everything, it's helping me to love myself, and if you can find that, you stick to it.

I'm fully sorry if I ever led you to believe that I could be more than your friend. You were truly one of the nicest, most supportive people to enter my world. Don't doubt that you weren't a part of my world, don't doubt your importance. It existed. You were an amazing friend, and I hate that I was hurting you this whole time.

Conquer the world, explore new restaurants, meet new people, show up at a party, don't ever question what people think of you, just be a good person and I promise everything will go great for you. And the future girl that snags you is so lucky, so stay golden, for yourself and for her.

COLLEGE LIFE.

I've been friends with this girl for 11 years. We didn't get to graduate high school together, but we graduated college together. Was, always will be, for forever, my best friend. Happy birthday weekend to this wonderful, beautiful, inspiring, AND NOW HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER, WHUT!

I'LL NEVER FULLY GET IT..

I thought about writing you a letter. I then decided I shouldn't. Perhaps, later.. when I've better organized my feelings and words. Here I am though, writing a post on you, which might be worse.

I can think of so many reasons why you've decided to fully cut me out of your life. I don't understand WHY you did though. Does that make sense?! I hope it does, at least, to you.

I view this as the end. I don't want to say the end of "us", because we aren't an "us", but we certainly are an end. This hits me in a bunch of different ways, but the strongest of the many is, "fuck you". I fucking gave you an entire part of me that I will never, ever, get back. I gave you my words. I gave you the things that I hold in the darkest of closets, because I felt that YOU, of all the fucking people in this entire world.. never judged me. For some reason, I trusted every single thought with you. I trusted you with my soul.

That morning. That one fucking morning.. was one of the roughest fucking mornings of my life. I HAD NO ONE. I had absolutely no one. AND I FIGURED, I FIGURED, that I could count on you. If not for a place to stay, for a fucking word of reassurance. For simple sentences and maybe a laugh? Instead you made me feel awful about every single thing I was doing. You made me feel like my decisions were poor and wrong, and maybe they were, but when I was looking for just one place to go where I wouldn't get shit on, I didn't expect you to make me feel so small. You always told me you held me up so high. I didn't expect you to treat me like I ruined your life. I expected you to be a fucking friend, because you've always been that.

So. When that didn't happen.. I couldn't rely on you. I couldn't rely on anybody but myself.

I never tried to hurt you. I fully stood by you when people told me to drop you. I fully talked good about you when people told me you were shit. And then you decide you don't want me to be a part of your life, because of something that YOU did. I mean really, that's truth right?! You're making me look like a bad person for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to you, because you just wish things between us were the way they were four years ago. I'm sorry, they're not.

And I'm sorry that we will never speak again. I'm sorry that we're ending on a terrible note. I'm sorry that we can't be friends. I'm sorry you're going to read this and question if it's you, realize it is you, and then hate me more. I'm sorry that if you ever choose to call me back, I'm going to hang up. I'm sorry that such a nice fucking dude, turned out to be a fucking asshole.

Get over yourself, you fucking prick. BYE!