Thursday, June 24, 2010





you know, i try not to write too much about this one guy.. just because it's like "fuck, really?! are we really doing this right now?!". but here's the thing. every relationship molds you. every relationship teaches you something about yourself, that you never knew.. and as much as i hate it, this guy was no fuckin' different..
i'm skipping a few ex-boyfriends that were right after jim (my last exboyfriend post which you can view HERE).. SO for the sake of no confusion, we'll call dude .. john. i'm only skipping them because this is an entry that i've been avoiding.. and i need to just do it. soo, let us begin.

i met john through a friend.. and i was introduced to him about .. i'd say a month before we started dating. it was a house party, we were both drunk, and we ended up hooking up.
no fuckin fairy tale sugar coating bull shit there.. it was purely and solely bull shit from the very fuckin' start. fuck. i'm already pissed off, let me light a cigarette.

i was very distraught about my break up with the guy who was right before john.. (of whom, i'll write about next thursday).. like i was a fuckin' wreck. i got myself into a sticky situation where i wanted everything just to go back to being awesome. john was sort of a quick fix. we started out as nothing.. just hanging out. well, since i was heartbroken about exboyfriend number 2, i kind of used john to make everything all better.

do i sound mad? well i guess i'm a little pissed. every action has a point, five points make a fist.

this relationship started off rocky as fuck. he was a liar from the very beginning, and i forced myself to cling on to the fact that he wasn't. three months deep, we faced what would become our biggest and most common downfalls. he stole money from me. around $300.. but dude was smart. he knew how to twist the story to make a girl feel like it wasn't theft. he made it become a "loan" and that was fine by me. after his bull shit story of how he needed it more than i did, i believed him.. and i believed he would pay me back.
that same downfall, became routine.. and other problems soon followed. the fights got worse. screaming til your lungs hurt, and crying til my cheeks burned from tears were routine. i was used to it. i felt stuck, trapped.. in something i didn't believe to be reality. i kept on telling myself that things would get better. i kept telling myself that people could change.
.. and soon, i told myself that i loved him. i think that every girl has that nurturing instinct in them. that piece of girl that wants to change people. that wants to bring out the good in a bad person, and that's exactly what i thought i was doing.
between him buying me extravagant "i'm sorry" presents.. between him telling me how i was the greatest thing in his life. between him hurting me, there was belief, and hope. i liked how the world didn't know. i liked how the world would see this gangster ass mother fucker who bought his girlfriend everything, who would take her out. but it wasn't like that. behind close doors, there was broken dishes, there were tears, and there was a shit load of "i'm sorry's". "it'll never happen again" happened again. then the doors would open again.
this shit went on for two years. two years of a cheater. two years of a professional liar.. TWO YEARS.. until we finally reached our biggest down fall. this mother fucker wouldn't even fucking hold my hand in public. NOPE. he would buy me computers, he would buy my cell phones, but he wouldn't fucking hold my hand.
AND ALL OF THAT MONEY.. all of that fucking money, was dirty. i grew to love a dude that was addicted to fuckery, except that it wasn't love. "love" was a lie. love was me wanting to be a fucking princess, hoping that dude would finally man up.. and own his shit. that dude would finally become what he was in front of people, and that the door would remain open.. for the better.

this entry keeps circling back and forth between nowhere and nothing but i can't seem to find the words to say what i want to say.

i don't know how to say it to help you to feel what i felt, but i'll try so to the best of my ability.

basically.. about a month before we broke up.. i started to find out about the cheating. girls started telling me themselves. i put it aside, figuring, "they're just jealous bitches with too much time on their hands".. that was, until i started catching it myself. i started seeing the calls, the emails, the pictures!! FUCKING PICTURES.. and dummy little me, still told myself, he loves me.
he would come home, never. he would call me, never.. and when we were together, it was a quick fuck with no conversation. he would be all strung out off coke and i replaced sleep with crying.

i was shamed, and i didn't want anyone to know. i didn't want anyone to think that i was stupid.. i wanted everyone to believe that everything was okay.. and if i kept up with that, i would probably still be with him. it took him hurting someone close to me for me to finally leave.
it took me losing $8000 and a car, to finally break away.

the last time i saw him was literally the day before i met my current boyfriend. he gave me $40, all the money he had at the moment (according to him).. and he brought me food. what's crazy is, even after all of the bull shit he put me through every single fucking day.. i still fucking want what's best for him. on my first real date with my current boyfriend.. we were walking around downtown toronto.. and john called me. i took the fucking call.
it's stupid of me to still have this ounce of hope that john could actually change and better himself.. which i don't believe. i don't think he will ever change. i told him all i EVER want from him is to pay me back. i told him i don't give a fuck if it's $10 a week, i want what he took from me.. then i realize what he took from me was so much more than money, it was so much more than what i owned, it was so much more than what i wanted to believe. he took a piece of me with him.. and he left the fucking city, right when i did.. he had to. i don't think he'll ever go back to winnipeg, and that's fine with me. i just hope one day he realizes what he needs to do to fill that hole.

with all of that bull shit on the fucking table.
let's say this the only way i know how..

dear john,
i got an idea, you should get a tattoo that says "warning". that's all, just a warning.. so the potential victim can take a left, and save breath, and avoid you sober and upset in the morning. i wanna scream "fuck you", but instead i'ma finish this smoke and have another while you think about how you used to be my lover.

i've finally closed the door with you on the other side.



Anonymous said...

That was fucking deep. This is why you can't date drug dealers Botch! Amazing entry. I fucking love your relationship pieces, they're always fucking good.

You're my hero LOL

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention, I read that entire thing, so when you drop a book..I'll be grabbing a copy!

syntifik said...

hahaha uhh thanks.
i aim high? LOL!

no serious though, thank you.

Anonymous said...

I love how honest you are. They're your best entries:)

Anonymous said...

that picture speaks volumes....LOVE THIS ENTRY:) so real.

peterparkerpan said...


jHeff said...

I agree, that was deep.
$8000 and a Car?! That's $8000 and a car too much.

And compared to you, obviously I learned the easy way that the word "Love" is thrown around too easily.

I also learned the easy way that if people feel the need to change someone (in any way) then, AT MOST, they should be friends. Not in a relationship.

You're one of the strongest people I know. For sheez.

Keep working on that right hook! It's all in the hips =P.

syntifik said...

#1: THANK YOU! these type of comments, are the best comments!!

#2: i thought so too!! thank you:)

peterparkerpan: AND I LOVE YOUUU!! don't ever fucking question that :)

jheff: thanks jheff!! i appreciate that a lot:) right hook is in training.. most definitely.. i almost got robbed yesterday, all i kept thinking was "i'm about to fight a bitch, be ready." hahaha.. you done school yet?! I WANNA FEED MORE DUCKS! p.s. my grass is still long *looks around*

Anonymous said...

Makes sense. You never really told me the full story. Doesn't it feel good to let it go? I'm glad you did, when you did. - Janet

syntifik said...

IT FEELS SO GOOD! thanks janet.. emotional writing will always be my vice.. way before drugs and alcohol haha.

Anonymous said...

you know what , did you ask yourself if you made this people contented even once? if he does that to you well there's a possibility that your still not perfect enough to man up a guy. im just a random person. I just wanted to tell you to MOVE ON! cause everytime i check your profile its always him, THERES ALWAYS HIM. It's been so long , a long time a go since you guys broke up right? so girl forget the past and change your life. think about the present people around you not the past.

syntifik said...

ohhh this comment screams "correct my grammar" but i won't even do it. you didn't have to state "i'm just a random person", clearly you are not. you're some how connected to the situation otherwise you wouldn't have to state so. at the beginning of this post, i said "every relationship molds you", AND I SAID THAT, because THIS PART OF MY LIFE, molded me. IT'S NOT THAT I HAVENT MOVED ON FROM IT. thanks. my life is great, i'm not straying away from the present, nor am i stuck in the past. i am simply telling a piece from my life on an online journal.

"did you ask yourself if you made this people contented even once" i don't know what you mean by that.. but if you're even daring to say that i wasn't good enough for dude you are sadly mistaken. if it's really been that long, then how about YOU turn away, and stop looking at my blog.

be easy.

Maribeth said...

Fuck "john", fuck people who defend "john", and especially... fuck self-righteous losers who write dumb ass comments on this blog. Why are you a dumb ass? Because you don't make sense and you have nothing better to do then to creep on Botcho's life. How bout you do the rest of us a favor and get a life and learn some proper English. Thanks. Don't come again.

syntifik said...

people, this is why this girl right here is my best friend!! that right there!!

Anonymous said...

haha people doing blogs are all losers

syntifik said...

yeah, that's why you read it.

botcho's number one swimfan right there people, right there.

Anonymous said...

I like how that girl tried to hate but was too scared to hate so she tried to be nice about it. Wtf does contented even once mean?

Pay these dumb asses no mind, Botcho. You're better than them.
Well-written entry! If you can get under skin through words, you're a writer!


syntifik said...

hahah THANKS ADRAANN! that means a lot, forreal, like forreal forreal.. it means a lot!

it's not even anything, i'm not going to play polite games with people who try to diss me and i'm not gonna shut my eyes either.

i'm a grown up..! i can handle a few sticky comments.

Anonymous said...

you know based on your entry he stole money from you. why stay and not leave sooner? maybe because you use his drugs so you cant leave him. well thats what you get from being so dramatic. fuck people this days no privacy at all.

syntifik said...

damn, the bad english talkers be back on my shit! you're mistaken though, hun, i never "use his drugs". sorry, i don't do drugs. if i come off as dramatic, you haven't read my shit right.. and this blog is easily private. all you gotta do is not read it. kind of easy.. i wrote this over a year ago, and you still dug deep to find it.
if you hate me so much, do yourself a favor and don't read my shit.