Tuesday, April 13, 2010


did he call? dammit he didn't. i hate him. he's the worst ever. he's an asshole. fuck him. i don't care if he ever calls me again! my phone's ringing.. maybe it's him! ..dammit it's not. i should call.. just to say good-bye. for the last time.

you throw out all pictures. you blast your speakers til they bleed. you cry your soul out of your body til your throat feels like it's going to burst open.

get ready.. because this entry is going to be going through leaps and bounds of randomness and improper structure.

i've been through one too many break ups. & since it's break up season, i thought i'd cover it. i'm not currently going through a break up, i love my boyfriend.. but i can certainly speak from experience.. so here goes it. i seem to have the same routine with every break up.. as much as i say i hate the asshole that tore my heart to shreds, i check my cell phone every five minutes. i check my email. i re-visit old letters, pictures, and songs.. i go over our last meet.. & sometimes i even go back. & i don't even know what i think when i do it.. for instance.. we'll call him paul. paul and i broke up.. and after two weeks of not talking.. he called me. i watched as my phone rang once.. twice.. three times before i answered. in that time lapse i debated with myself between two thoughts "holy shit, he's calling me" and "should i answer?!".. well.. i answered. & after the whole "how are you holding up" conversation, i put on my best tough girl talk. you know the deal "okay, well i don't wanna talk to you anymore, bye".. but that was no use. i ended up going to see him anyway.
one of the hardest parts about a break up is just that.. the break up. the getting away. break ups don't take a day. they don't take a week. they take awhile. it takes more than just saying "fuck it, we're done". it takes deleting phone contacts, it takes ignoring text messages, it takes avoiding contact, by any means necessary.. and no matter how much you know that's true.. you end up ignoring all right.. and falling back in.

all of my past break ups have been replaced by a rebound. fuck me, that sounds horrible.. but i'm not trying to look like perfection, so fuck it.. let's get real. i make things easier for myself, by grabbing someone else's hand.. which didn't always work out for me. boys are sneaky. they are fucking tricks. no matter how hard you may seem, during a break up, boys can read that shit. it's safe to say that none of my rebounds lasted more than two months.. and that's of no fault than my own. juzz mine. i'm a stupid little girl who replaces emotions with emotions. it's much easier to throw a hoodie over your shirt than clean out the ink stain.. and that's what i do.
.. and once the rebound's gone.. my phone rings.. and i think "holy shit, he's calling me".. and i answer./
i think all girls love attention.. whether that be good or bad.. every dude that's liked me in the past, i've wanted them to keep on liking me. i like that feel of attention. feeling special is addicting.. you hold on to it because that feeling of flaws and imperfections leaves you.. because hey, one person, sees the good shit. so when he doesn't call.. you get worried. am i flawed?
from all relationships i've learned something. sometimes things repeated themselves, sometimes i learned something new. i've grown up a lot.. and i continue to grow every day. i always believe in education through life. relationships are considered phD's in my books.
.. but even with all the growing i've been doing. it's still hard to break away. to make that decision.. is it the right decision?! is a break up crossing the line?! maybe if you did more of this, and i did more of this.. can we work it out?! or are we really quits?! and when does this quitting become final?! cause my phone just rang..

so.. my question to you today is this..



Maribeth said...

everyone would like to think so... but in reality.. no. being left or leaving someone is hard. unless your a total psychopath.

Anonymous said...

this is so true. you hate him at the time, yet when he calls you forget about that hate and answer the phone. DAMNIT. that's when you know you're in denial and still want him.

if break-ups were easy i think i would of gone through more of them. and if you don't break up, then you go into one of those on-off relationships. you know, those "i can't throw this all away just because we got into a fight" kinda things.

but it all depends. it's easier to break up with someone on the grounds of cheating, for example. if he cheats on you, why would you wanna stick around?

Anonymous said...

Amazing entry, you couldn't be more dead on.

syntifik said...

ma: psychopaths are smexy sometimes.

#2: cheaters are the easiest to leave i think. fucka cheater.. i hate the "i can't throw this all away just because we got into a fight" mindstate!! it's not a good one! on-off relationships are the worsttttt.. i'm thinking i should start a rule where if i break up with someone five times, the next should be official. ahhaha

#3: thanks bro.

jHeffffff said...

kinda personal but I just went through an easy break-up. Long story short, it was easy in terms of "it would have been much harder" if things were more serious. Does that make sense?

syntifik said...

totally makes sense. nice life you have.. im jellz >=(