Monday, March 19, 2012


There are a zillion things I wish I had said to you, but I think the main one is, "I love you".

I know I have said it.. but not enough.

You gave me so much. You did. One day you came over, and you handed me a Wu-Tang poster. I was so stoked. It wasn't my birthday, it wasn't Christmas. It was just an ordinary day. And you bought it, for me. It goes so much further than material things. You taught everyone around you to LIVE. When trying to gather thoughts of what it was you were good at.. there's so many to list. You were an amazing musician, a comedian, a wrestler, a brilliant artist, a character, a terrific dancer, a respected critic.. and with all of that; what you gave to the world was life.
You truly gave off a charisma and charm that no one could ever match. Even your insults made me smile because as my brain scurried for a comeback, I couldn't get over just how much you were making me laugh.

I wish I could at least thank you. The idea of you ceasing to exist is not one I would like to keep in my head, but it's a thought I can't escape. I don't wanna face the facts that you won't be here with us anymore. I keep phasing in and out of this state where I force myself to think about it and essentially fall into a zone of sadness. I don't want to be sad, but I also feel that when I'm not thinking about you, my mind tricks me into thinking you'll come around the corner with that crazy smile, aviator sunglasses, leather jacket, and you'll call my name and I'll say, "HEY! What are you doing?! Where we going!?". I don't know which of the two phases is better. I can't seem to pick one that will help me.

I guess there isn't a thing that could really help right now. I know that I have to move forward, progress, succeed, party, enjoy my life, and live.. the way you expect all of us to. I just can't do that yet. Things aren't the same. They never will be the same.. and although I get that, I'm trying to find a way to believe that things will be, at the very minimum, okay.

At present time, I don't expect okay. I know that's going to be a battle for a while, but I feel it's the only way to heal.

I miss you so much.

I can't stop bringing you up, regardless of who I'm with. Absolutely everything to cross my path reminds me of you.. and when I'm not doing that, it's only this magnetic pull of "BOTCH STOP" that I force onto myself to try and live what everyone else knows as a "normal life".

Fuck a normal life right now, man.

I fucking miss you so much, and all the screaming I do into my pillow won't bring you back.. and I know that niether will my tears.. I know that clenching my fists and smoking til my throat hurts won't bring you back.. but I don't feel like anything else fits right now.

Nothing else.. fits.

I just.. miss you. And you left us too fucking soon. And it's not fair. And I hate everything that isn't about you. And I hate everything that is about you, because it brings me back to two weeks ago.. when you were insulting me, and asking me to play smackdown.. and I just wanna go back to that simple moment.. and hug you..

I can't. I can't. And that shit fucking hurts.

You.. are all things every single one of us ever wanted to be, but were too chicken shit of reactions. You didn't give a fuck about that, and although it hurts right now.. I'm going to keep you in my head.. because I refuse to let any reaction tell me what the fuck to do. I miss you, and that's that.

You said it'd be alright.. but I just don't know.