Thursday, March 29, 2012


I've received a writing offer. A paid writing offer. I don't want to say more than that, because I don't know what I'm going to do with it. My words have been used before (even stolen, wahhhh), in press write ups, and once for a gallery opening.. but other than that, everything I've ever written has been personal. I was told the other day, "You have a spark when you write, I get nervous that if you were to choose to write for a company, you'd lose that.". I dream big. I always have. When given the push/nudge/help though, that I always scream for, I tend to stray away from it. I always get nervous about not being good enough. About being criticized.
I think that being terrified of professional writing is proper when everything you've ever written has been personal. Aside from the press write up and gallery opening, my only boss.. and by boss, I mean the only person I've ever had to please, has been myself. And who am I!? I see a pretty ass bird or a rainbow and my happy continues for days. Weeks, even.
My biggest fear, has, and always will be, myself. I conjure up these thoughts of bad "what if"'s. I can't help it. My mind literally digs up the worst possible scenario, and convinces me that it's the only possible outcome. I have people saying the most ominous things about me, and I drive toward the opposite direction. NOW. The irony in all of this, is I do this because of my limited list of used works.. but the only way I could make that list longer, is by shutting fear out and stepping forward. OR, maybe not shutting fear out, but overcoming it. Damn this scatter brain!
I still want to do a few entries on Anthony. I think about them a lot, but haven't took them to a keyboard yet. I think that also holds hands with the fact that I haven't been able to listen to his albums. Nor have I gone through a pile of things he's given me. Nor have I listened to his tribute shows. Nor have I read his article completely. Nor have I.. the list goes on. I'm not in a place to do that.. yet. And, I want to be.
I'm busy as fuck, and took everything I have to do and buried it in my bag somewhere. Forms to fill, places to go, people to see, bills to pay, deadlines to make, things to study, whistles to blow. Taking a leap has never been this difficult for me, I'm fucking trying though. Although, my efforts aren't as great as they could be. I haven't completely dedicated my time.. but FUCK. I haven't had a fucking break in months. A few hours of vegetable are needed. I can't even begin to process where I should begin. Who I should run to. Where I should.. fuuucckkkkk. I'm not angry, just over-whelmed.
Cappucinnos, rain, Awolnation, and small sentences. There are few people who step into your lives and give you moments of nothing that become the best somethings. Rain hitting the dashboard has never sounded so lovely. Has it? Maybe I'm just hearing it better. Bezzies. How did I get to be that lucky?! Never ever do I take these things for granted, never.
Hi Alex. Hi Perla. Hi Kim. Hi Bonibelle. Hi blog readers. Thanks for giving me everything you have. I fucking promise each of you, you give me way more than you know. I hope to spend my entire life proving that to you. World domination, one small fear face at a time.


Anonymous said...

you are a dope writer. I'm sure these people are interested in you because you are so personal. its your strength and a blessing you can put that shit in words. just saying...

chi-town aj

syntifik said...

soo that part where i said "thanks for giving me everything you have, you give me way more than you know.." yeah, that shit is dedicated to people like you.
thank you, that means a lot.