I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE..

SEE MY HEART JUST FALLS OUT WHEN YOU WALK IN THE DOOR. FRIENDSHIP TURNIN TO LUST AND THIS ONLY TIP, THAT I CAN'T COMPREHEND - EVEN IF I KNEW IT. CAN'T DO JUSTICE TO THESE THINGS THAT I'M FEELING, YOU GOT SOMEONE ELSE, DON'T WANNA BE CAUGHT STEALIN. HELL IF SHE KNEW, SHE WOULD NEVER LEAVE US ALONE IN THE ROOM.

i know that if you've been reading my blog for a minute, you know how much music means to me.. there's so many sides to music but i won't explain them all.. what i will say, is sometimes there are songs you don't like at all - but they still mean something to you. sometimes you think "ugh, worst song ever", and then something happens to define it, and make it something. so love it or hate it.. i present to you..

25 TRIGGERS

25. STYLES P - GOOD TIMES
i get high on your memory!! hahahahha. OHHHHHH MAAANNN!!! does this song ever hit home or what. i'll throw this one out to maribeth, we were such fucking hoodrats. we thought we were the fucking boss. we ran winnipeg, we ran high school, and we listened to this bad boy while doing so.

24. LLOYD BANKS - KARMA
this was the first time i actually dug a guy.. like seriously, i was fucking obsessed with him.. and i don't know why, but i was fifteen and totally thought i was hot shit. i seriously thought i was the illest thing ever, and soooo.. after six months or so.. it didn't work out. it was me just pushing away because i wanted everything to go perfect.. EVEN THOUGH THIS SHIT WAS SO CHILDISH.. he eventually played me, and so i played him back.. and then he called me, and said "yo, i dedicate this song to you". i cried the entire night.. it took four years later to actually sit and listen to it fully again.. and after all of it, i wish we could've remained friends.

23. HINDER - LIPS OF AN ANGEL
yeahhhh. you already know. curse the bad in botch!

22. JURASSIC 5, NELLY FURTADO - THIN LINE
because if you never say nothing, never expect anything. this was truer than true at one point in life, and so was this song. learned though. leeeearrrrnnneedd.

21. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, T.I. - MY LOVE
an ex and i got into a huge fight one day.. this song was playing, and he took the cd out of my cd player, and threw it out the car window. the cd had my name written on it, and my brother.. TWO DAYS LATER, ended up finding it during a walk.. he came home and was all, "did you and your boyfriend have a fight?! i found this." this song was such a banger at one time, and i can completely laugh at the situation now.. but every time i hear this song, i think of that moment.

20. TUPAC - BABY DON'T CRY
during one of the roughest moments in liiife, i played this song and lay helplessly on my bedroom floor. i then took my lipstick and wrote the lyrics to this all over the back of my door.. i ruined my lipstick, and it took my weeks to wash it off. i don't know what the fuck compelled me to do it, maybe the half of me that's crazy.. but some days, when i'm feeling like shit or my world's gone to shit.. and i stare at a closed door.. i can still mentally see the words in dirty maroon lipstick.. and it helps.

19. THE CRASH - PONY RIDE
love is love.. and so is this song. such a shame this band broke up.. but i will hold on to this song forevs. it makes me think of those key moments in relationships that make the simplest things so complex.. in a good way.. like getting trapped in summer rain, with laughter as your raincoat.

18. DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL - GHOST OF A GOOD THING
fuuuuuuuuuuuuking, word life.

17. DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL - SCREAMING INFIDELITIES
two dashboard songs?! i know.. but dashboard's really good at getting under my skin.. and i don't mean that in the cliche annoying way either.. i mean it in a "gets under my skin and hits me hard in a relatable kinda way" type deal. done been there son! plus, cudder really loves dashboard, so we kind of had that immediate "YOU LIKE DASHBOARD TOOOOO?!" feeling.

16. SYSTEM OF A DOWN - LONELY DAY
i was talking to this guy, but i held A LOT back from him. i wouldn't let him in. then one day he said, "i promise i'll hold ur hand, the spaces in between fit ur fingers perfectly anyway".. and then i played him this song. i think it was only then, that he "got" me.

15. SNOOP DOGG - SEXUAL ERUPTION
it was new years eve. i lost my wallet a week before, therefore i couldn't go out on new year's eve. my favorite boys in the entire world went out, and i was pretty bummed.. til they showed up at my house at 12am. they said, "we couldn't go out without you", which i'm pretty sure was code for "we got kicked out for fighting" or something.. hahaha.. to this day, i'm not sure.. but i like to believe that they came back for me. they took me out to eat, we had our very own countdown.. and we got drunk and blasted this song with four of us in a car.. windows down, in dead winter.. and at that moment, all i could think was how much i loved my boys.

14. ONE REPUBLIC - APOLOGIZE
rewind to one of the hardest parts of my life. i was such an emotional wreck, and literally found balance in this piece right here. my boys were the most important people in my life, and we played this song on rotation for an entire summer.. how to save a life by the fray comes in as a runner up.. but apologize was how i felt. it helped keep me solid.

13. CAM'RON - GET EM DADDY
they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder! well. i won't say who this reminds me of, but i referenced to a few dudes before.. three, i believe. &whenever i hear this, i go off, and think of each of 'em. xoxo. get 'em daddy.. ALSO, i repeat, "DUDES WITH CONTACTS WANT CONTACTS, I TELL 'EM, NOPE!" at LEAST, ten times a year. at least.

12. AMEL LARRIEUX - MAKE ME WHOLE
yeah. at one time, with one dude, it felt so.

11. A FINE FRENZY - ALMOST LOVER
who hasn't had an almost lover?! everyone has! & fuck that shit! haha. i don't know how many times i've cried to this song, one too many.. but i fully appreciate every note and every word in it. this song, despite its words, actually got me through so much.

10. JOURNEY - DON'T STOP BELIEVIN
this song definitely goes out to teej. seriously every time i hear it, not only do i wanna rage but i also get flashbacks.. tj sang this to me once while we were waiting for james to make us hot dogs.. lol, i still hear his voice a little every time i hear this song. i think all of my friends and i appreciated this song, because we're all young and just lookin for something good, you know?

9. TIMBALAND, KERI HILSON - THE WAY I ARE
one summer, i was living with my best friends. we went to the beach every day.. and we blasted this at full volume every time. every time i hear this, i think of two things: my best friends, and the beach.

8. WE ARE SCIENTISTS - IT'S A HIT
we, should've, just, talked about it.

7. NERD - EVERYONE NOSE (REMIX)
HEY! do you have any black insiiide you?! would you like some?! have you ever been so fucking tired, have no money, haven't eaten in two days, induced packs and packs of cigarettes, have to pay a $500 fine, blow out a tire, sign up for credit cards just to survive, all for a hip hop festival with your best friends? i have. bianca, richard, and tj. they know. we appreciated the original just as much as the remix, perhaps more.. but this bad boy was on repeat for a sraight 32 hours.. as was..

6. SNOOP DOGG - AIN'T NO FUN
grab any one of my best friends (grab richard first) and tell me they can't rap this joint. this was another gem on our 32 hour straight drive. talk about being stuck at a border for six hours, not being able to talk to each other.. then getting in the car with no sleep - angry, pissed, and tired.. but then laughing your ass off once you hear, "and you even licked my balls".

5. INGRID MICHAELSON - THE WAY I AM
i tend to hold on to a little emotion to every guy that's stepped into my life.. and i hold onto this song along with that emotion. i couldn't help but sigh when i played this, along with a head tilt to the left. a deep inhale, and hey. sometimes things just .. feel good.

4. HEDLEY - TRIP
if i could fully erase all emotion i feel when i hear this shit, i would. this shit is so fucking beautiful, but it also reaaaallly burns the heart. i won't say why, but i'll say this song is etched. somewhere. right. there. it's there.

3. METHOD MAN, D'ANGELO - BREAK UPS 2 MAKE UPS
i know every single fucking word in this song, every adlib, every breath. i played this song every day for a year, back in 2005 - mark my word. i was on this big "fuck you" tip. i was done sick and tired of dudes and teenager relationships, but i knew how much they could hurt sometimes.. plus i LOOOOVEEEDDD method man. i can picture an exact moment where someone dogged me, and i blasted this shit in my room and smoked my first cigarette ever.. and i fully still believe that i still relate to this shit 100%.. & this is still my anthem - SO MUCH IN FACT, that a few select friends still call me "ex-girlfriend".

2. LIFEHOUSE - TAKE ME AWAY
ugh, upon hearing this i am officially mentally in my room in winnipeg. it's been playing on my laptop on loop for about four hours. i've finished three packs of cigarettes, and a six pack of beer. i've drenched a box of tissue in tears.. and i feel like my world is over. fast-forward to now.. i am in my office, i am playing the same song, but i still feel like that little girl lost - alone, because you broke her heart.. and i love this song - not for the emotion i felt.. but for the fact that it took every single emotion i was feeling, and put it into words that i couldn't.. and i FELT THAT, as soon as i hit the play button.

1. LUTHER VANDROSS - DANCE WITH MY FATHER
i will never, EVER, EVER.. be able to hear this song without crying. for every one of these 25's, i'm playing each song as i write about them.. trying to get more of a raw emotion, as well as memory purposes. & i literally started crying 3 seconds in. i miss my dad sooo much, and every time this comes on, i'm reminded of how lost i am without him; how lost my mom is. people need to stop playing this at weddings and shit, it kills me.. i know though, it's such a beautiful song, so powerful.. but if you ever hear this, and see me running out of the room, you know why.