A 19TH MOMENT WITH BOTCH.

I'M SOUL SEARCHIN', I'M SOUL HURTIN..

today, i'm sad. i'm pretending not to be sad. i think i fooled most, only two people guessed i was. tomorrow i'm taking the day just.. to be sad. i feel like being sad is okay sometimes.
if shit happens, and it upsets you. fuck it, let it upset you for awhile. i'm not gonna let it eat me, but i won't bottle it up either. whaaatttttt theee fuuucckkkk is going onnnn.. can i just make up my mind already..!

i went for a swim today.. i haven't swam for a year now, so it felt really good.. but i am also reeeally sore. when i was a kid, my dad built a pool in our yard. a decent size pool, 8 ft deep. i would swim from the time i woke up, til it was time for bed. i couldn't help but bring back past memories in the pool today. i envisioned him in my head too many times, and it huuurt.. but it also felt good. like a re-connecting type feeling.
people don't listen to me. i mean, they hear me.. but they really don't listen. i feel like everyone i try to talk to about me, interrupts me two seconds in and turns my stories into something about them. & when i try and take it back, they get offended. like hello, you stole my thunder.. which makes me just want to be alooone. i just need alone time.
no one gets it. they think it's easy.. and i wanna challenge everyone on that. i want to take everyone and place them here. right here.. and see how well they handle it. i make it look easy.. and fuck if that's cocky, i do. i make it look fucking easy.. but it's not.

i don't wanna complain about it either. i don't. i don't like when people take one sad moment and take it as a sign of weakness, or "baby-ness", for a lack of a better term. i put up with a lot of fucking shit.

i smell like chlorine. i'm out of cigarettes. i want to sleep all night and all day.. and let my mind wander.. sometimes all you need is a day, you know. a day just to say "fuck everything" before you get back up again.

i hate people who step out of my life, and then wander in when they need me.
fuck outta here with that shit. you in-considerate fucks.

i'm a nice person, really.. i am. aren't i?

i just wanna cry.

mom says to never cry.

i love her. why can't i be more like mom!? why can't i be this strong woman who takes everything with stride?! why do i gotta take people's shit?! why do i take their shit?! why do i let people run me over. being such a mouthy and strongly opinionated person, you'd think i'd have the fucking balls to be like "you know what, no. you're wrong. fuck you!".. and i guess i do.. but some days i don't.. and some days.. that fucking kills me..

and i feel like all of this is coming out as a blurb .. as shit that doesn't make sense.. and that's because i can't figure it out. i can't fucking figure it out.. i don't even know what i'm REALLY feeling, it's just not a good one, and i just don't like it. there.

i just don't like it.

i. just. don't. like. it.

so what?! here. nothing.
sit.
type.
repeat.

try and say what you're thinking and feeling without having people think you're fucking psychotic.. but back-track. that's not what this is for, this is for me.

chin up. head strong. be okay tomorrow. just.. be okay.

i don't even wanna really .. i just.. i just want.. something. i just want something. i won't say what something is, not even sure if i REALLY know what something is, but i'll say that i want it.. and i'll do everythingin my power, to get it.. if.. i know how.

& if anyone reads this wrong, fuck you.

my name is botch, & this.. is my blog.. or some shit.