Don't you know you drive me crazy?

I haven't posted this song yet, which is kind of wild because if you've been following any of my playlists, you'll see that it's been in my rotation for a few months (and yes I know this is such an old track, but it still slaps). Sango is a producer from Seattle, well known for often remixing hip hop and rnb. So what? My like.. dream electronic producer? This song just makes me feel so good, or sad. It's one of those, whatever you're feeling, it will capture that emotion. I loveeeee. It's the bass for me. so preeeeetttyyyyyy. Plus, we love us a good r&b sample.



Original sample from this beauty.

Three, two, three, only say what's up for the wifi

When I first heard this song, I was like, "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!!"

Today was my first time seeing the video after having this gem on loop for a bit. It did not disappoint. The lyrics. The vibes. The fits. The vocals. This song is a bop and I'm glad the video is great too because whenever you get a great song and a mediocre video or vice versa, it really can take the song down. BUT NOPE, we good! Damn right.

Xo,
Botch

WHAT'S A VIDEO THAT LIVES RENT FREE IN YOUR HEAD?

I'll go first..

SORRY DARLIN' DEARLY DEPARTED THE BELLS.

I HATE COVID. I hate it so much. I hate being trapped, not being able to see anyone. Seeing the casualties. I hate house shopping during a pandemic. I miss my friends. I also have no desire to go anywhere or be with anyone at all. It is a strange, strange fight.

I'm loving myself while hating myself. I've put in time to art projects and writing and definitely feel like I truly am kicking ass a lot of days. I'm inspired by fashion and music blogs, videos and the creativity that artists have poured into the world this year.

I spent a lot of my life crying over heartbreak. I just love to love! I've been cheated on in every single relationship I've been in. I've chased my exes after they've been in new relationships because I believed them when they told me I still held the top spot. I've been a dumb naive girl who believes. Why did I ever.. how could I ever.. do that to myself? I'm still not healed from past traumas. I hold trauma deep down and sometimes it bubbles over.

I'm making a difference. I know that my community work may sometimes feel small and that sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough. I run out of time and can't keep up with all commitments, but in the end.. I know I am making a difference, and my workload is actually ridiculous. I know the work I do is needed and I represent change. I won the Citizenship Excellence award when I was 8 years old, we can ONLY go up from there. I HAVE to keep this up for as long as my life lasts.

I'm sad realizing I'm losing my dogs. I'm sad when they're sick, when they're in pain. I'm sad to have two family members face major surgeries and so much death. The clouds are haunting.

I'm still hopeful. Still hopeful. That there is a glimmer of light and love, and those glimmers belong to me. I will bask in the sunshine and smile. I will dance in the kitchen. I will overcome sad days and bounce around shining bright, reminding everyone how happy I can be, how happy life can be. I will go to live shows and dance to my favorite djs, my favorite artists, with my biggest loves. I'm in love with love. I'm in love with music. This playlist is all of that, a true, tired testament of December. I hope you find a song you like. Cheers, darlin'

Xo,
Botch

CAN'T TALK, DREAMING.

Kid Cudi, photo by Pamela Littky

This is just a deadass reminder to myself that I am and forever will be madly in love with the Cudder. If you happen to look at the moon tonight, I happen to be looking at the same one. In this instance, we are looking at the moon together. Locked to earth, celestial objects staring at this celestial object, with that big big love in the sky.

I love you.

XoXx,
Botch

OKAY BUT NO.. I'm actually an alien.

November flew right past me. I've been working 6 days a week, 10-14hr shifts so I barely see sunlight. And although I was extremely busy, I was able to listen to a lot of music. I almost felt like I lost myself for a bit there. Instead of lipstick and beers it was N95 masks and tears. Instead of a cute fit, it was face shields. All of November's focus was Covid-19, more so than the entire pandemic, for me. So I really used music to escape and take me places. Take me to past dates, past parties, past festivals, friends and loves. This whole thing has been a wild ride, stay up. Love you, and as always, I hope you find a song you like.

Xo,
Botch

HOW'S YOUR MOM? SHE'S A SWEETIE.

I'ma hurry
Take my time
With a walk
See a lot
Feel so moody
Might be moody

Xo.

I think I wanna kiss you..

Remember the feeling of that specific someone grabbing you and kissing you while people continued about their business around you? Yeah, I barely remember either, but this track almost fully cemented me into a kiss that meant a lot to me. Drunken, sloppy, in the middle of a bustling city street, right there in front of everybody. Kisses should be like that. Kisses should be bold and unexpected (but still consensual!). Beautiful, smooth, sexy track.

xx.

TODAY'S FOCUS.

 Going to commit today's focus to good music, writing, my year plan, and trying not to cry while working at a Covid outbreak site. I know I'm a bit behind on keeping in touch with people, especially since my workload has been insane.. but I hope you remember I love you. I hope everyone is staying well, staying home, and not putting themselves at risk. I'm focusing on that too.

Stay focused, Botchy.

Xo

EVERY DAY.

What do you want?

What do you really want?

Is it me?

SANDHOG - GYOZA

Here's a cool house track I found that made me flip the fuck out. In the pandemic crazy, stay home, listen to good music, and as always, happy to help you reach that dreaaaaaaaam. Once that du-du-du-du-du part hits, I HOPE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND LIKE I DID. Also who can translate? I gotta know if what's being said is as sexy as it sounds. Okay back to copious amounts of overtime and no sleep. Take some vitamins!

Love ya, bye.

Just watching my cutie pie get beautified..

 

There was something real crazy about the times of AsianAvenue. We all knew SO MUCH ABOUT EVERYONE. Browsing people's pages, having our layouts that took us HOURS to make completely stolen, the guestbooks, the hits, who viewed our page.. but the music. The music was something else. AsianAvenue was pretty much how we found out about music. And, if we didn't right click to check that embed src, well then maybe you should work on your song game. If your crush danced with someone else at the sock hop, well we have a song to reflect THAT now don't we?! Unless you had the right click blocked, damn you're good, can you share that code?! I spent today composing this AsianAvenue playlist, I hope you find a song you like. I fully recommend listening to it on random. AlSo, HoW wAs iT sO eAsy to TyPe LykE tHiS bAck ThEn, WheRe DiD wE FiNd tHe TiMe?!

xX.

LOVE IS GOING TO KILL ME.

Big love.

A poem by Botch.

I love you.

With every beat of my heart, and every song I hear.

I love you.

With every waking moment, and every empty beer.

I love you.

With every second of every minute of every hour.

I love you.

As the clock ticks on and I question if time is ours.

As I wake alone in my bed staring at the pillow that should be yours.

When I think of all the festivals, and trips and tours.

And all that I want to accomplish, and all that I want to do -

success isn't mine if it doesn't include you

I want to be a helping hand and help you grow.

I want to wake up each morning and kiss you so you know

That, oh that.. I love you.

I love you.

I want to say it again. I want to say it again.

I want to say I love you, please hear it again.

The second time heard just isn't enough 

to conjure up all the love, it's from down to up

From the ground to the sky, deeper than the bottom of the sea,

more than drops of water in a lake, as many degrees as there are degrees,

as many calls as telemarketers make at dinner time

the amount of echoes in the breeze from wind chimes

as grand as pianos in marble floored ballrooms from the first key to the last

my love is bigger for you than all the grains of sand that were made to make skyscrapers glassed

more than the amount of times I've cried when I see too cute of a dog,

that's a lot, I know you know, you've seen me sob.

your love makes me hot and when I'm not with you I'm cold

Always searching and waiting for your arms to hold 

me. The way you do.

The way I fit in that nook, puzzle pieces, two.

Ugh. You smell good. And I love that chin.

Love when we play fight, love when I win.

Love when you show me songs, and when you ask me what I'm playing

Love how the whole world disappears when it's just us, I'm saying..

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

This is a draft, somehow it feels complete and incomplete at the same time. I'll add it to the list of unfinished poems. Wish me luck.

YOU MUST BE MESSED UP TOO.

 

Covid-19 is fucking hard. I'm really thankful I've been spending the last few months focusing on music. It's really aiding my journey as I navigate through this craziness. Now that there are positive cases at work, my workload has been insane. We are short staff (because what healthcare facility isn't right now?!) and there isn't enough time in the day. I had SEVENTEEN sick calls the other day. I worked a 13hr shift and as I was leaving I said goodbye to staff that were there LONGER THAN ME. Some healthcare staff can't go home due to the risk of bringing the virus home and are sleeping at the hospital or hotels reserved for healthcare workers. Routines have changed and everyone is putting insane overtime to meet the demands that Miss Rona requires. With all of that, we're also trying not to get the virus. Being a link in the chain of transmission is and has been my greatest fear throughout all of this.. and it really makes me miss everything.
I miss friends, I miss routine love, I miss my mom and my family. I know what's important, and I want everyone who is in my world to stay safe and happy, and that is definitely hard sometimes. So what's the answer? Small improvements, self-care, and doing things that help. For me, music is a huge part of that healing. Meghan told me the other day, "I've never met anyone who felt the way you do about music". It's literally my first love, and these past months of curating playlists continue to solidify how important it is to me. Thank you so much for the positive feedback. Shit is really real right now, but we just gotta focus on doing the next fifteen minutes. That's it. Get through that, and then another fifteen. My inbox is always open for anyone that is feeling challenged and would like to vent or cry or even just chat. I hope you find a song in this one that you connect with.

All my love,
Botch
Xo

HOT NIGHTS, COMING. KEEP THE CAR RUNNING.

Lavender fingers
Swallow my pollen
Gold, I swam into your spell
In the rite of god we fell
You were blush and I laid bare
You had me howling
Cold I fell into your skin
In the night you let me under your sin
You had me howling

I listened to this song every single day in July. Every. Single. Day. It still tugs at my heart every time I hear it I hear it throughout the years. Good music can last a lifetime. Love you.

Xx

A HARD KNOCK.

Covid has finally arrived at my workplace, and I can fully say I'm not thrilled. I don't want to answer the door, but the bang of the knock grows louder and louder with every draining minute. I am so so tired.

THE NIGHT WE MET, I KNEW I, NEEDED YOU SO..

So won't you say you love me? I'll make you so proud of me..

IT'S ALWAYS AROUND ME, ALL THIS NOISE BUT..

I AM OBSESSED WITH TAME IMPALA. OBSESSED. I can name a few artists this has happened to me with. Nas, Childish Gambino, Atmosphere, Justice, Daft Punk, Kid Cudi.. it happens, but it's rare. However, at the beginning of a field trip, this song played.. and I knew I liked this song.. BUT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Front to back this song is a journey. Absolutely 100% perfect, and to have Soulwax (WHO I ALSO LOVE SO MUCH) remix it!! I can't even begin to .. I can't tell you how much my love for music was reaffirmed. I could listen to this song on loop for days, and I already have. My brother and I are both convinced we introduced Tame Impala to each other. He says I heard Tame from him, and I say he heard it from me. I'm not sure who introduced Tame, but I can't believe I wasn't on this level of appreciation right away.

HE IS SOOO GOOD, and he's all I want to listen to right now. This song really makes me feel like everything is going to be alright. Relax your mind, relax your body, relax your soul, it's gonna feel so good. Go away other music, we vibin'

A N N I V E R S A R Y

In case you almost missed it like I did. 

During the pandemic, my friend Julius and I have had occasional weekend video chats since we can't hang out with real people. We drink, we chat, like we're at a bar. Eventually we both just get really in our feelings, and one night he expressed how when we were done chatting, he was gonna listen to Bryson. And that my friends, is when I decided our chats were, "The Bryson Tillery Distillery". Visit any time, it's a terrible, wonderful time. Coincidentally this album dropped on Julius' birthday! How fitting. Happy birthday, bud!

This album has a lot to live up to, I'm on my second listen in and it's definitely nowhere near the greatness of "Trapsoul". However I might have a drink or two at the distillery tonight and compose a better review after the "in my feels" listen. *Sobs. 

Update: Well the album's kind of boring to be honest. I've listened to it a couple times and nothing has really stood out to me. Trapsoul is just that good.

Have a nice weekend.

Xx,

Botch

LIFT ME UP ON TOP OF YOU, AND CALL ME YOUR GIRL..

 

See I was swiping through me memories to see you, boy 

When we're apart you know I miss that energy 

 And that’s something they just can’t deny 

 No matter how many hours have passed 

 How many miles apart , nothin' else ever lasts 

 'Cause no one can make you feel like this 

 See you could wash any man right out of my hair 

I could make you wish to god that she was never there  

So lift me up on top of you and call me your girl 

We're hitting 4th gear, I’m on top of the world

IT'S A WALK IN THE PARK, IT GOES..

Despite things being a little heavy and my head being a little crazy, I have been carrying myself very well. This month's playlist was one that I really, really felt. I felt the beats, I felt the lyrics, I felt the emotion and the stories. A lot of them are chillwave or indie, but you'll still find a few classic bops. I did A LOT of listening to music this month as I was in situations that allowed me to do so. Two people asked me to create them playlists this month, so I listened to some of my old favorites and researched blogs and new artists and also compiled them into mine. Some of these songs are absolute favorites but I knew nothing about the artist(s) behind the music, so I took time to do that. Some days I felt sad, some days I felt ok, some days I felt sexy, some days I felt anxious, some days I just felt. I am so many things. A disco queen. A hip hop head. A punk rocker. A sad girl. An indie lover. An electro bunny. I really have a vast taste in music because I am committed to good music, period. The genre has never mattered. My personality is all over the map, why would my music taste be any different?! Anyway, this playlist is really, really, me. I hope it finds you well.

Xx,

Botch

MAKES IT HARD TO BREATHE, WORDS COME OVER ME.

If ever you've wondered what it's like for me to simply *EXIST*.

This song is a bop and rings very true!

I THINK I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Xx

YOU SAVE ME.

There'd be no song without you.

I JUST WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

 

Yeah that's the drive, as I remember. And that's the one, the one I wanted, yeah. Pull me close, don't ask me nicely. Don't be polite, I want it all. I just want to hear from you. Ask me questions. Oh, I just want to hear from you. Out of context.

You won't forget it, so don't even try. We drank too much, we killed our nerves though I - let myself fall just to feel you catch me. I know that's not fair.

DEAR GODDESS, GIVE ME PATIENCE

 

WELCOME TO THE SAD FEMME CLUB, baby, you are enough.

Tired of trying to explain
I've got zero tolerance
When they fuck with my sacred space
Bar the trolls, hit the corners for escape
Build the platforms, take up space
Code the scripts to infiltrate
'Cause you're never not fighting
A racist system that keeps powers in place
And that fails to acknowledge the root of your pain
Took it too personal, over-emotional
Where are you from? Are you beauty or brains?
Over the top, I'm too little or too much
Damned if I do and I'm damned if I do not

EVERY STAR I SEE, I THINK OF YOU.

Artist: Maria Uve 

Wake Up.
a poem by Botch

Wake up. Softly. Reach across the sheets.

Somewhere between the moon and where the stars meet.

I open my eyes, I reach. Empty hands. Empty me.
Empty. Longing. Wishing. One more dream.

Woken. Too loud, this single heartbeat.

You're there, somewhere between the moon and where the stars meet.

The next room. The next bed. The next, next.

Early morning rises, no goodnight text.

Somewhere between the moon and where galaxies are tucked.

Goodnight, goodnight, and always good luck.

Xoxo, 

B

"WILL YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU POST YOUR FIRST ONE?"

 A 9 year old asked me if I had a TikTok over the weekend. I immediately responded with, "Why did you ask me that?"

Her response? "You look like a famous TikToker. Your hair and lipstick are pretty".

This was followed by a couple telling me they spoke about me for hours after a poetry reading one night, that my words resonated and sat with them when they laid in bed before rest. Alright well the sadness ye ol' Botchy feels went poof, dissipate.

If you've ever thought complimentary about someone, tell them. Tell them! Took my super sad month into a new direction and had me actually feeling like, "Maybe I can do this."

Someone remind me to let the little girl know when I make my first TikTok.

I've been livin' bummy

Wake up, shake these hips and strut
Catch me actin' dummy
I've been feelin' anxious
I've been feelin' sunny
I've been up and down as fuck
Tell me, do you love me?
Say it to me like you mean it
Top down, sinking with my thoughts down

This song SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. SOOOOOOOOO HARD. When the "I got 20 bands.." hits, brace yourselves. This is the kind of rap you shake the car with because you and your friends are seat dancing too hard. Issa bop.

Enjoy, bye.

Xx

BOYLIFE : INSTAGRAM ||| TWITTER

Won't you come around to my place?

Slow down, won't you come around?
Slow down, won't you come around to my ways?

THERE WAS NOTHING MUCH TO SAY..

Every word I read, I think of you. Every song I hear, I think of you. Every love I have, I think of you.

EXES AND O'S

I keep having these weird dreams of past lovers with new girls. Oh, these new girls. They're pretty. They're skinny. They have time for nail polish and haircuts. They make time to cook meals and do outdoor activities. They have a sense of humor. They laugh when you whisper the funny thing in their ear, and their laugh echoes so sweetly. They sleep like an angel, they don't snore. They wear skirts and dresses that sway in the wind, gently and modestly. Their makeup is perfect and their eyeliner is sharp, but they don't even need makeup. They're a winner with parents and the waiter pays extra attention to them. They have a sparkle in their eye and not a blemish covers their skin, nor a scar, or a mark.

.. and then I notice.. so faintly.. a familiar sound, it gets louder, and louder and the familiarity intensifies with the increasing of every notch in volume..

..you're playing them songs I showed you.

And that, is my greatest fear, and my biggest delight. I will always, have that.

Hello nightmare. Sleep well.

BUT.. BUT.. I NEED YOU..

This month's playlist was based around long drives and old blog entries. Went through a few waves this month. I didn't focus too hard on discovering music, but more so, I let music discover me. This time around, I wasn't obsessing too much trying to discover bops on music blogs (which is what I was forcing myself to do as I made the transition of getting back into music). I didn't check listings or album reviews. I caught a song playing on a speaker outside, so I shazammed it. I let people play me their favorite tracks, and added the ones I liked. I went into a deep, deep, deep dive of some old Livejournal entries and listened to the ones that tugged on my heart strings in the past. Caught a few from Ubers, and Snapchats from friends. Music can come at you from any way and all ways, and this month, it totally did. This one felt very chill for me, I put a lot of time into writing this month and with that, I needed music that wasn't too heavy, but I also needed music that spoke to me. Minimal party/dancey chunes, a little more of the in your feels. Hope you find something you like.



Xo,

Botch

How is it gonna feel?

Things are gonna feel different
Days are gonna slow down
It's amazing how these things make us
Just rollin' around in our minds
Waiting for you
I'm waiting for you

Kind of a Smiths vibe to this one, it is just so beautiful. I can't, it's too pretty. I've listened to it a bunch of times as it's in my August playlist, and every time it comes on, it hits me right in the gut.. and when I first heard it.. YOU GUESSED IT, I cried. We all have an Amelia, don't we? This track carries me to that moment you urge for that one special person to not let go, and even if they do, we'll be waiting.

Follow Majestic on Spotify » https://majestic.lnk.to/spotify
Follow Seb » https://majestic.lnk.to/sebwildblood

CAN I CALL YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE OKAY?

Syd. Kehlani. Disclosure.
This fits. This is what I'm looking for in a Disclosure track. Not like "My High", which for me felt really out of character. "My High" was an alright track, but not from Disclosure. I don't want any sort of booty bounce, we can get that elsewhere. WE WANT THE DISCLOSURE THAT SLAPS. Thankfully I heard this today which reassured me, it's fine! Everything is going to be fine! Disclosure is still Disclosure! Phew. AND SYD, WELL SEEING THAT NAME ALMOST MADE ME CRY. I slept a little bit on Kehlani for a while but she has grown on me recently and I'm very pleased with this track. We can sleep now, but before we sleep, let's decide.. should we call them on their birthday? Is.. is.. is that, cool?

Xx

I promise.

John Baldessari, and you.

I FEEL ALL YOUR PAINS LATELY.

Lately, I ain't movin how I wanna move..

A track to keep on repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat while we all deal with quarantine.

https://ontrck.fanlink.to/socialabsence

WE ALL TRY - A MIX BY KILUSAN

You can always count on Kilusan to dig deep into your feels and take you on a musical journey of healing. Love is tough and love is beautiful. Love is hard and love is wonderful. Be it on your own or partnered up, this mix offers a taste of what it is to love. Yes, it certainly is 7 in the morning. Grab a coffee and let Summer Walker's voice join you, let smooth vocals join you, let your feels join you, and let's ride out this R&B mix like we fully updating our 2020 AsianAvenue relationship status.

Xo,

Botch

Took you for granted, only now I understand it

I'm all alone in isolation
And the only thing I'm testing is my patience
Thankful I'm alive and waiting, yeah yeah
Out front your place I hide emotions but can't mask depression
You get me high, I'm at your gate
I missed our close connection
Hope I'm not banned from trying again to make it work
I lost you first, make matters worse
I lost my job, I'm non-essential maybe
Don't wash your hands of me
We should be closer, why are we distant?
You hate what we've become but you'll love what we plan to be
I'm focused but still randomly my thoughts will sway
My whole life's a awkward phase
In short I say

We don't make the mistakes that we used to
They've been replaced by something useful
But I'm still strange
Nothing's changed
We told lies, now we're truthful
Can't go back to what we're use to
But I'm still strange
Nothing has changed

Wow. Wow. THIS TRACK, is thee track off the EP. Track 6 off "Odd Cure", boosting that old jazzy type hip hop that we commonly associate with lyrics that are actually palpable. Yup. They're palpable, and it's a relief. This is the medicine we've been looking for. Oddisee takes what lost loves and lovers are feeling during a pandemic and somehow puts it all into words, paired with vocals by Priya Ragu. A nice dose of hip hop for 2020, this one is sure to tug on your heart strings and make you feel some type of way. Lil at night in bed track might be too much for ya head top, I suggest having this one over a cup of coffee so we don't get too into our heads and start calling our exes :P

Xo,

Botch

Spending my dollars on the sunshine.

Spice up your life, come get a freak

Freak like me
You want a good girl that does bad things to you
You never been with no one as nasty as me

When I first started dating my ex, actually the very first time we hung out, his best friend came along. I hadn't met either of them before this night. We went to a bar, danced, drank, had a great time, and that was it. My ex took me home. We parted ways. No goodbye kisses, nothing, just two kids who had small crushes on each other, keeping it very cordial and PG-13. I met up with my ex the next day, and he told me that after he dropped me off, his friend asked him, "She a freak? She look like a freak."

All of the love that you got inside..

One of the few great things to come out of a global pandemic was the ability of artists to collaborate world wide thanks to the internet. As crazy as the world is, this track (and shoot, the video too!) stops and gives you a moment of absolute real magic. I hope you were all able to find some sort of comfort amidst the chaos of planet earth's current state, and if not, I hope this song brings you some.

Ricky noted this song was created from a livestream experiment. WHAT. Artistry.

Put it in your music on your downtime
Real magic happens every once in a while

Just take your time
Count your blessings
Just lay right here for a second
It’s a free world, let me get lost up in it

And all of the people that you know
Are all on their way to the show
And all the light that you left behind
Is way up somewhere in the clouds coming back around

FOLLOW RICKY REED
https://www.instagram.com/rickyreed/
https://twitter.com/rickyreed
https://www.facebook.com/RickyReedMusic/

FOLLOW NICE LIFE
https://instagram.com/nicedotlife
https://soundcloud.com/nicedotlife
https://twitter.com/nicedotlife
https://facebook.com/nicedotlife
http://nice.life
Xo

THE STUDIO

Jacknife Lee carrying a torch with this one, it's a beauty. Smooth vocals paired with inspiration and support from Bibi Bourelly and Barny Fletcher have you feeling like you could conquer anything, and I promise you, you can. Bibi Bourelly has co-written for major chunes, like Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money" so I promise you, this bop isn't one to sleep on.
Hints of pop, R&B, and hip hop make for a nice musical cocktail. Drink up.

I'mma find me a trap boy and I'mma make him my man
He gon' have my back and I'mma have him
If we ain't got the bag, then we gon' get the bag
Who says that I can't if I know that I can?
I'mma stay up when everyone's sleeping
If I go broke, I'mma sing on the street
I'mma make foes and I'mma make friends
I'mma talk back, but I'mma listen
And when the bad-bad days come around here
I'mma light up, then pour me a beer
But there's no way, no way in hell I'mma die here

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME ON ME.

There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight
If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me
And take me away, yeah

Where are you?
And I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick, strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stare I counted
The webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?
Stop this pain tonight

Look, I don't make the rules. We're listening to Yellowcard and Blink today, that's just the way it is. Send me your biggest Skatepark Livejournal angsty blog post songs, issa mood. Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head.

Xo

IT'S COLD.

 What is our affliction to past memories? Sure, I could have gotten up to a lot today. I could have went for a coffee, I could have written the greatest poem I've ever put to paper. I could have. Instead I spent most of it reading old Livejournal comments and e-mails.

There really is no ending to anything, is there?

Through the walls, the end you feel it calling
There's not so much about it you could do
Out the window skies, oh skies are falling
But the last thing you would want is something new
It's cold

JULY WAS A RIOT.

 

 A LOT HAS HAPPENED LATELY. I broke away from hardship, I fought for love, I had to go to the hospital, I was approved for a mortgage, I crashed my bike, I busted up my hand, I met new friends, I cried, I laughed, I wrote, I read poems in front of strangers, I got a promotion, I started renovations, I started consistent counselling, I started a podcast with a friend, I started a new project to help the homeless, I dyed my hair, AND I DANCED MY ASS OFF, all in the midst of a pandemic (in the safest of ways possible, of course). 

This playlist definitely is a sum of everything from all over the map. I went through a bit of an indie wave, a lil bit of a punk wave, a lil bit of a sad wave.. it all hit me this month, OH BUT WHEN DOES IT NOT. 

My main take away this summer is: I'm accepting that people really could give a fuck about me, regardless of how much they pretended to in the past. And honestly, at least for today, I am okay with that. The only person you need to carry you is you. I hope you find a song that helps give you some muscle to carry the weight. 

My current closest circle is keeping me happy and the swim is every bit of refreshing. Ride the wave, baby. 

Xo, 

Botch

LEAD ON, BRIGHT STAR.

Every road that I walk
Has a bend, has a fork
And I make the choice I make
And I take the path I take

Every road, every street
Has a corner I meet
And I have to make the turn
Because we have to make the turn

Lead on, bright star
Lead on into the night
I have no faith
But we all need light

I sleep, I dream
And I'm climbing
Perfect timing
Now I'm turning
The stars are burning

Strings! Organ! Solid track from 2010, hope this remix takes you back.

I'VE BEEN FORGOTTEN.

And we all have, haven't we? Once. Or twice. Now. Or forever.

There was one day where we didn't cross their mind.
There was a moment when they thought of someone new, instead of you.
There was a time when they ate your favorite food and you were not even a thought, and food was simply a meal.
There was a second when your favorite song played, and your singing did not echo in their head.
There was a point when you sent a text but either a distraction proved more important, or time erased your existence.

I've been forgotten, many times.

I've been forgotten when my friendship wasn't enough.
I've been forgotten when a different girl replaced me for fragments of what I called relationships.
I've been forgotten at basketball practice.
I've been forgotten by the phone call delay, and delay, and delay.
I've been forgotten on the guest list.
I've been forgotten on the invitations.
I've been forgotten in the counts of "How many people today" at restaurants.
I've been forgotten in the group photo.
I've been forgotten by death, by sleep, by meals.

I've been forgotten, many times..

I'm forgetting.

But, I'm still here.

Xx

ESCAPIN' THE MACHINE.

This is easily one of the best songs I ever heard.

Teachers taught us money was the motive (Money was the motive)
I said, "Fuck that bitch," I’m floatin' (Floatin')
Off a tab, rah, I’m Coastin' (Coastin')
And I didn’t take half, I took the whole thing
Escaping

The machine
Life hard work, 'cause we all stuck in the machine (The machine)
The machine
Life, hard work, 'cause we all stuck in the machine (The machine)

Took their minds, so they don’t dare to dream
(They don’t dare to dream)
Took their voice, so they don’t dare to scream
(They don’t dare to scream)
Don’t think they know what it really means
(Don’t know what it means)
Busy filling buckets that are bottomless it seems

The machine
Life hard work, 'cause we all stuck in the machine (The machine)
The machine
Life, hard work, 'cause we all stuck in the machine (The machine)

This is PERFECT indie, and it's NEW. When was the last time you heard a track that made you feel like this?! Been a while for me. This easily transported me to the Lo Pub, or Ozzy's/The Zoo. I heard this song while I was writing and dropped everything to have a solo dancing party in my room. Devastated by 2020, letting all of it go with a good ol' indie dance jump off. The lyrics are ridiculously well done, the beat is phenomenal, what's there not to love?! Play this at full volume, and enjoy the dancing. Absolute BEAUTY!

BTW, when I say indie dance jump off, I mean this, don't let me down:


LIFE, HARD WORK, CUZ WE ALL STUCK IN THE MACHINE.

I can't believe this song came out in 2009. ELEVEN YEARS AGO. Are you kidding me?! Ugh. 2009 was a great year.

Say, say, my playmate
Won't you lay hands on me
Mirror my malady
Transfer my tragedy?
Got a curse I cannot lift
Shines when the sunset shifts
When the moon is round and full
Gotta bust that box, gotta gut that fish
My mind's aflame
We could jet in a stolen car
But I bet we wouldn't get too far
Before the transformation takes
And blood lust tanks and
Crave gets slaked
My mind has changed
My body's frame, but, God, I like it
My heart's aflame
My body's strained, but, God, I like it
My mind has changed
My body's frame, but, God, I like it
My heart's aflame
My body's strained, but, God, I like it
Charge me your day rate
I'll turn you out in kind
When the moon is round and full
Gonna teach you tricks that'll blow your mind
Mongrel mind
Baby doll, I recognize
You're a hideous thing inside
If ever there were a lucky kind, it's
You, you, you, you
I know it's strange another way to get to know you
You'll never know unless we go so let me show you
I know it's strange another way to get to know you
We've got till noon, here comes the moon
So let it show you
Show you now
Dream me, oh dreamer
Down to the floor
Open my hands and let them
Weave onto yours
Feel me, completer
Down to my core
Open my heart and let it
Bleed onto yours
Feeding on fever
Down all fours
Show you what all that
Howl is for
Hey, hey, my playmate
Let me lay waste to thee
Burned down their hanging trees
It's hot here, hot here, hot here, hot here
Got a curse we cannot lift
Shines when the sunshine shifts
There's a curse comes with a kiss
The bite that binds the gift that gives
Now that we got gone for good
Writhing under your riding hood
Tell your gra'ma and your mama too
It's true, true, true, true
We're howling forever, oh, oh
We're howling forever, oh, oh
We're howling forever, oh, oh
We're howling forever, oh, oh
We're howling forever, oh, oh

I had to post the lyrics in their entirety, because poetry like this deserves it.

DRINK. SMOKE DANCE. VIBE A LITTLE BIT. FUCK. CHANGE. RIDE. DIE, A LITTLE BIT.

Sometimes I can't, but I've been told I need to breathe
This life ain't something for someone like you and me
We just get caught up in the things that we don't need
Plenty time wasted, what are we waitin' for?
Searching for something in someone without a soul
Running in circles 'cause I suck at letting go
Starting to feel like there's no chance of breaking through
Plenty time wasted, what am I waitin' for?

This ho slaps.

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I CAN SAY.

I don't wanna write today.

I wanted to write yesterday, but I didn't. Today, I am.

That's it. That's the post.

I'll post some bops in a bit to make up for lost time.

WITH YOUR DUMB FACE.

Thinking of you lots today.

Lonely

Found my autobiography in the version of song.

WOW THIS TRACK IS A BOP.

There's too much clouds, above her head
And too much space, to share in her bed
No one there to see her dress when she is going out at night
Ain't no arms around her body when she's laying on her side
She's been lonely.. She's been lonely..
For quite some time..

She's not afraid of going home in the middle of the night
She doesn't wanna sleep alone, wishin' you could hold her tight..

DAMN, JUNE WAS SAD.

WHAT A MONTH FOR MUSIC.
I'm forcing myself to take time to listen to music, research music, read blogs and CATCH UP, and it has definitely been helping me with healing. So, here are all the songs that I liked during the month of June, I hope you find some songs that you like too.

Love you,

B.

I'm tired of trying to heal.

Music changed my life, and probably saved it too.

I heard this and I imagined myself with my eyes closed, standing amongst 50,000 people at a music festival, feeling like Gosford was playing just for me. I hope this beauty gives you the same feeling, and if you're going through it, I hope you heal.

Xo

I just wanna live alone, in my own little world.

Haven't felt that heart jump since Frank Ocean.

How is this even real?

WELCOME TO CRY FEST, 2020.

Wow. Everything is just, A LOT right now.

Shut up, be quiet. Speak up, get loud. Don't post that, post this. Share this. Don't share that.

Reflect. Pause.

Be patient with everyone who is still learning. Accept moments as teaching moments, and real change can take place. Consider intention, and beyond all, love love love.

Black lives matter.

I love you.

Back to our regular programming, crying (and then we gotta get back to changing the world, you have 5 minutes).

RECLUSE.

2020.

2020 has been the worst. I've been struggling to find the right words to express what's actually going on in my head.

In summary: No longer accepting the things I cannot change, and working toward changing things I cannot accept.

Treat people like people, love more.

i'm just no good at love..

I really am a muse in her feelings.

WE HAVE MILES TO GO, BEFORE WE SLEEP.

What are you doing, for the rest of your life?

Perhaps our frame of mind is clouded by a certain change of heart.

DEAR LOVE,

I give up.

GOODBYES.

An acquaintance passed away this week.. which is CRAZY to me, because we were literally snapchatting each other last week. Over quarantine we had been talking quite a bit, sharing recipes and memes. And just like that, a young man in his 30s, no longer on this planet. I've been thinking a lot about death lately and how one day I will just stop existing. I look at my current life and wonder if it was enough. Did I do enough? Did I say enough? Have I loved enough?

I work extremely hard, have I appropriated enough time to friends, to family, to love? Have I listened? I love you, and this I know. I love to love, I'm just not good at it. I have so much love to give, I want to wrap it around you, two, three, four times, just so when a sad day breaks through the first layer, you still have three layers of love to remind you how much you are loved. I want to scream to the highest of heavens and tell you, and you, and you, that you are loved further than my arms can stretch, and I can only stretch my arms out this wide but the space is reserved for you should you want to stay.

I would like to listen more. I would like to be attentive and I want you to speak freely, not judged, for as long as you care to speak. I want you to tell me every single thing.

There's so much of everything, isn't there?

I did not know this young man that well, I can only say we were growing closer over the past few months and that we were on our way to developing what seemed like what could have been a wonderful friendship. I will make one of the recipes he sent me and reflect on his existence. He seemed to really live.

IT WAS GOOD UNTIL IT WASN'T.

A monthly playlist of everything I listened to in May. I actually listened to a lot of music this month and made time to curate this one. I hope it finds you well.



Xx

Would you like to go, like to go with me?

I spent my Tuesday night in urgent care. Nothing life threatening, when you work in healthcare, sometimes you get hit - hard. I got hit! And had to get treated, and it really sucked, and the doctors were really mean and no one wants to be with you because they're terrified of Covid and everything else. At least I got a day off?

Well, while in my mask, with a patient vomiting to my right, holding in my tears, I had this song playing over and over in my head.. and it really got me through the night. After leaving urgent care, I took a long walk, and even though I'm such a terribly sad girl, I'm thankful. For what I have, and what I've had.

Xx

It's so cruel what your mind can do for no reason.

Arlo Parks just cemented their way into my top poets with this gem. I felt this song on another level.

President of the sad girls club.

I have had people tell me, "fake it til you make it", and without a doubt, I often do. However, there are times when I feel like sharing this immaculate poem and asking, "Do you understand, now?"

Wishing you well.

Let my mind fall in, head to toe

...

It's been at least another year

And still I haven't got the chance to say
Always rolling off the tongue
Never said but nearly sung about a million ways
Every photograph and story
Trickled through the lengthy web of friend
I over thought but understood
Distant look but looking good
And not the other way

But you fail to remember
Do I still cross your mind?

Your face still distorts the time
With heat struck afternoons long through
Those idle dreams go back to you
The echo's seem somewhat displaced
Ever further from your face, I'm drifting off to
Bored of mere flirtations
That's what's made of constellations that I've sought

Was this only in my head
Just like most things go misread
When overthought

But you fail to remember
Do I still cross your mind?
Your face still distorts the time

APRIL 2020

Enjoy.

REMEMBER.

As I navigate my way through Covid-19, I often find myself bouncing back and forth between the healing and the hollering. I found that as people began working from home, or not working at all, they found time to reestablish connections with people they've been missing. I did too. I'm still working but two other places I help support were work from home which meant there were days they required less of me. I started connecting with people and these online chats were so wonderful and time flew by, but they were long. Then I found myself behind in reports I had to write and commitments I made.
Even with these online connections, it's incredibly lonely. I'm so alone, and it's poetic. I long deeply for kisses and conversations, hugs, and just taking in the smell of someone so deep that you never want to let them go. It's been a long time without someone, though I'm content on my own, I miss having someone. You see? Bouncing.

After long exhausting days, I'd sit down on my bed and face two realms of guilt. The first: you don't have enough time to take this break, look at your list of things to do. The second: you're going to take 5 minutes when you could be creating/working out/cleaning? Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. I couldn't shake the feeling. My mind was spinning with the "have-to"'s.

So I switched gears. I stopped opening messages of memes, I deleted messaging apps. I told people I was busy, and I said no. I was selfish. I needed to be. I took a bath (selfishly) and made some choices. All this pressure to come out of this pandemic a "better person" because you might not "have this chance/time" again, along with the added pressure of "wanting to change the world". We can't do it to ourselves. Deliver a care package. Clean the closet. Watch movies all day. Cry for a few hours. None of these are wrong. There is no "right way" to do this. And if you need a moment, take it for yourself and share your experience with someone you trust, or the internet, so others know that they're allowed their moment too. I'm taking mine now, because I need to start feeling like myself again. Basically my hot take is: feeling pressured? Don't. So maybe you shouldn't listen to me at all!

Oh, and with the first day I took for myself, I created something.

Xo
B.

I, SURRENDER.

Let's go to the movies, get a coffee
You need to know me
Talk a walk on the river
And melt in your company

Maybe it's the fact that I connected this song to the current world covid situation right now, or maybe it's just one of those songs.

This song made me cry a million tears. I lost it. I lost it! I absolutely lost it. This song broke my heart.

I hope we get a movie and a coffee soon.


Xx

March 2020 Playlist

My cousin and a friend of mine make monthly playlists, and I look forward to them every month. There's something that got lost as our need for immediacy increased. Everything is shared so quickly, but it isn't really shared. We're sent videos, but we watch 10 seconds of it before we move on to the next thing. There was a time when we shared mixtapes. You didn't "skip" tracks, because you couldn't. You could fast forward, sure, but did you ever? I didn't! Something about Leslie and Suraj sharing these carefully curated playlists that tugged on my mixtape heart strings, and they provided the pencil to wind me back up so I could hold enough attention to listen.

I'm sharing what I listened to the past month. I find myself often jumping around to different genres, something I've always done. I enjoy going to the ballet, I enjoy grunge-type pubs, I enjoy dimly lit lounges that serve overpriced cocktails, so why should my music taste be any different?



If you have any suggestions on what I should call this monthly series, let me know. And if you have anything you'd like to send my way, send itttttttt!

Xo,

B

OPAL - France

When I first heard this song, I was at work. I was in a situation where I couldn't listen to it loud, so I paused it, went to the bathroom, and listened to it with earbuds.

THIS SONG IS RIDICULOUS, and one that I could listen to over and over, so I hope this gets your toe tappin, and gives you a little bit of happy. Xo.

"DURING THESE TIMES OF UNCERTAINTY.."

Wow, we sure went to never hearing that sentence at all to hearing it nearly every day.

On February 3rd, my blog entry read, "I'm at a very weird point in my life where I'm trying to identify myself, for myself. Except, I feel like I never have the time to do so.. and making time just seems so, MINE".

WELL. HOW THE TURNS HAVE TABLED.

The youth outreach centre I work at, has closed, the Women's Centre I work at, has closed. I'm still working in the healthcare sector, because .. well, during this time, healthcare definitely won't close.

So, although, yes, I am still working through this global pandemic, AND, I will be putting in a lot of overtime, and have been.. I've definitely been "given" time.

I am no longer seeing my friends, I go from work, to home, and occasionally to the grocery store, but that's it. There is no in between. We HAVE to. I realize I am privileged to continue to work, I realize however that I am also at a higher risk than most of my friends and family members due to my career. I feel a great deal of wanting to continue to help, but also feel limited in doing so, I somehow wish I could do more.

So, although certain areas of my life have definitely gotten busier. Some areas of my life have slowed down, and I need to use it. I write this to hold myself accountable. CREATE. DREAM. WISH. Do your makeup now and then. Get dressed up. Have a dance party in your room. Brainstorm on how you can be effective during this situation. HELP. Aim to help in any way you can. Write. Make a poem. Read. GROW. Use these times, we often ask for it and aren't given it.

Plus, you're doing your part. Staying home ensures the safety of humanity.

Staying home is just as important as the frontline healthcare workers, it's just as essential as grocery store and city working employees. Stay home, grow, and continue to live. Resiliency is key.

In knowing that this has now become a cliche, I must reiterate, we are in this together, be well.

FOUR TET - BABY

WELP.. Four Tet has done it again! Consistency, people.. it's what the music world NEEDS! I can almost smell summer between these popping bubbly beats and soothing vocals.

Bravo, Four Tet!

I'M ADDICTED TO TIKTOK.

It's a problem.

I spent the last week on "holidays". The quotation marks are because I actually worked for most of it. I helped organize a fundraiser, I worked a fundraiser, I volunteered in teaching kids how to write and mail letters, I built things, I crafted, I helped paint props for a show, and I wrote. I have not been able to sit still for very long since I was a child. I grew up watching my mom and dad work long hours, 6-7 days a week, 12-24hr shifts.. THAT ISN'T AN EXAGGERATION. They really worked that. However, I also saw them get glam and party every weekend. They were business owners and often attended large fundraisers or award shows. Well.. the apple doesn't fall very far..

However, my mom and dad always took one day a week, and set a slot of time, anywhere between an hour to ten hours.. and they STOPPED. They probably collapsed from exhaustion.. but they either sat by the pool, napped, or had a drink to themselves.. and during that time, we weren't allowed to talk to them. It was theirs, so leave 'em alone.

Well during one day of my vacation, I SKIPPED EVERYTHING. I stayed in bed and watched TikToks for legitmately 6 hours. I.. I don't even know what to say. I can't stop. In discussing TikToks, my brother said something like, "How can you watch other people?! Yuck!".

I mean, I guess.. So if you're in my close circle, I apologize for all the TikToks I send you, but I can't stop, and I likely won't stop because all of this shit is comedic GOLD. I need to make a blog post of my fave TikToks one day.. however, here's one til that day comes (if ever :P)..

I DEDICATE THIS TO THE PEOPLE

who have stopped in once a year.. Hey, how's it going?! We have a few things in common?
Someone told me yesterday that I need to prioritize scheduling time for writing.
It pissed me off. Actually, it put me into a full blown meltdown.
WHO AM I?! WHAT AM I DOING?! HAVE I EVER DONE ANYTHING?! WHERE AM I GOING?!

I can't pinpoint the reason, but the reason is probably because I'm stressed out, busting my butt, hustling like crazy, that I felt attacked.
So I cried for hours, questioned my existence, and again.. floated to a space right above my body, watching this sad girl try to figure out what her mind was trying to tell her.

I'm at a very weird point in my life where I'm trying to identify myself, for myself. Except, I feel like I never have the time to do so.. and making time just seems so, MINE. I wanna do whatever the fuck I want, when I want, and having someone tell me what to do, feels wrong.. BUT, am I running out of time? Is this actually a warning?!

Every once in a while, I come back here and I tell you, this time it'll be different. I'll post more. I'm back to blog. Let's do this.

Would you believe me if I said it now?



Play this song if you wanna feel things.

When morning comes again
I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by
Until finally my time descends on me
I go to sleep, sleep

I'll post more.

Xo