I TELL YOU WHY SHE DO IT..

alive on saturdays is officially the greatest thing in life right now..!! i will be there every saturday for the rest of august. red jumpsuit apparatus on the 18th, and pete rock on the 21st come in second. i am officially on a $40 budget for weekends. absolutely NO going over. if something comes up, too bad. suck it up and be ghost. i decided to quit smoking today. yesterday the boys wanted to go to the park. that turned into sushi. i'm running on zero hours of sleep and mass amounts of red bull.. so let's get to bloggin. forgive me for the lack of blogging, my brain wilted momentarily.

i've been writing since i was seven years old. it's not always great writing, but i'd like to think my piecing of words is greater than the average. sure, my journals from the age of 7 were solely about the ninja turtles, strawberries and swimming, but i grew lol. i started keeping a journal in 1995. i was sittin in my mom's restaurant, annoying her to shit, when she gave me a journal. i started writing like crazy.. i remember thinking that one day my journal would be found and that would be the way i got famous. my dad passed away in 1995, and when that happened, i went on a writing binge. my spelling was awkward, but my emotions, my emotions were described so vividly, that even though i was seven years old, i remember the exact stings of emotion that ran through me the moment my pen hit the paper.

i don't plan to share the seven year old botch diary with you (maybe some day!).. but i would like to take you through things that i have experienced. some things are crazy redic, and others are spits of truth.. remember, these are snippets, so it's not all going to make complete sense, but hopefully you get the vibe, cause that's all i'm aiming at. "......" represents pieces of more writing that i just didn't include cause it wasn't necessary. 25 excerpts from my journals, one time for ya fucking mind.

25 SNIPPETS

1. OCTOBER 6, 2007
"...my tears are making my world blurry and the pain is shattering all the glass that used to be the words, 'stay up'...."

2. NOVEMBER 19, 2008
"..CORMEGA! too fucking under-rated man. he's one of the only emcees who kept his music fucking gangster, along with his attitude.. and he stayed underground! hip hop being compared to a woman is always the best metaphor.. dude's so right on everything. we gotta read, we gotta learn, we need that knowledge.. in order for our minds to stay.......bold."

3. DECEMBER 29, 2008
"they say, 'live life like every day is your last'.. uhhhh WHAT?! i'd be like partying and sky-diving every day if i lived up to that statement. like honestly, that shit would be exhausting.."

4. FEBRUARY 4, 2009
".. i'm all for progression. i know that technology evolves daily. sounds, and music in turn will be different. hip hop has grown and evolved so much in the past fifteen years... mp3's took over cassettes, and fuck a turntable when you have a mac, that shit is brutal....i'm all about the veterens. the people that came first, they created what i love, and i will never let that fade. i take music seriously, it's my fucking life, and that is said without hesitation. the people that are casual listeners, FUCK EM'. how they gonna stand there and tell me what's dope?! fuck you! soon stevie and sinatra won't be getting their props!! not all music fans can be music students, i can't force hip hop on the world, and i can't control the industry. it's business. all i can do, is support who's ill to ME, and educate what i know, but only to those who are WILLING to listen. music is art. van gogh only sold one painting his entire life. real art gets recognized, even if it takes awhile. & hip hop, hip hop is art. clock, keep ticking."

5. SEPTEMBER 21, 2008
".. he's a compulsive liar, and he's ugly as fuck! SO WHY CARE!? frustration took me here. i thought once i started writing, an answer would follow, but nope. nothing yet. fucking a."

6. AUGUST 19, 2008
"i don't know if emotional writing is the best kind of writing, but i do a lot of it..."

7. AUGUST 20, 2007
"he called me at 7 this morning. i won't lie, i was so fucking happy to hear his voice."

8. JULY 28, 2008
"i love toronto.. back to winnipeg tomorrow, but that's fine cause i'm homesick. i'm sure once i get back to winnipeg i'll be toronto-sick. why can't they just be side by side!!...."

9. APRIL 3, 2007
"...it drives me crazy that i'm not the girl who drives him crazy."

10. OCTOBER 9, 2006
"i'm losing myself to a battle. let me re-phrase that. i lost myself to an asshole....i end up crying to songs that put the emotions that are tying up my stomach in knots into words i didn't know were explainable. i'm not gonna say i love dude, but i would love to know what it's like to love. cause if it is this, it hurts too fucking much."

11. NOVEMBER 13, 2008
".. really when it comes down to it, what makes race?! one day, that is, if humanity doesn't destroy itself, everybody's gonna look like everybody anyway, everybody's going to be the same. the only thing that's going to be able to define a person is your mentality, what's in your heart, what you believe in. that's why i write. everybody says, 'racism, racism' blah blah, bull shit! there's only one race, HUMANITY! the idea of seperation, of color seperation, only exists because we choose for it to exist. what will happen once we're all the same? how will we seperate ourselves then?! by what we look like? by what we eat? nah. by what we believe in. by character, by philosophies, by the stuff that's interenal, because the external will be the same.."

12. AUGUST 17, 2005
"..tell the world, they ain't ready for us kid. they just ain't ready."

13. AUGUST 7, 2005
"dear toronto, you can hate me all you want! another day another struggle.."

14. AUGUST 4, 2005
"so yesterday i spent the whole day with ryan face. genuinely nice guy, a fucking gentleman. if we work out, we work out. if we don't, nah fuck that. we'll make it work."

15. AUGUST 5, 2005
"i leave toronto todaaaaayyy. i hate departures."

16. APRIL 25, 2005
"coming of ages was SICK. dunk competition was LIVE! blaze blaze. juice juice.."

17. APRIL 21, 2005
"420 yesterday was too crazy. the ledge was too nuts. 420 was nuts. all of yesterday was just nuts. i think i'm still head bust..."

18. APRIL 4, 2005
"my brother found out i smoke today. i was giving him money and my belmonts fell out of my pocket..."

19. APRIL 2, 2005
"WHAT?! you're gonna MSN BLOCK ME!? mother fuck you. like is that supposed to hurt my feelings or something!? it's msn douche bag."

20. MARCH 22, 2005
"...when she said it, my world stopped. my hands got cold, and i felt the knots in my stomach build up. my superstar?! MY number one?!....all i want is yesterday. yesterday. when sunshine filled the sky, when pain was never an option, nor a thought. where she was healthy, and we were happy. when she was mine, and i was hers, and nothing could break that..."

21. FEBRUARY 14, 2005
"'steady. be strong, don't cry no more' - nasty nas.....i trust one person, and one person only, MYSELF. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY..."

22. DECEMBER 21, 2004
"I HATE YOU PRE-CALCULUS!"

23. JUNE 27, 2007
".. it's like i have to cross a bridge because on my side there's a bunch of hungry wolves, but on the other side, there's hungry lions. either way, i'm fucked yo."

24. NOVEMBER 18, 2004
"...so i was complaining to him, like 'my basketball team sucks, steven sucks, and it's getting so cold outside' and his word was like, 'so come here, fuck steven. i'll play ball with you every day and i promise to never criticize your game, and you can wear my shirt.' he really is the best...."

25. MAY 3, 2009
"an update in life, gotta make it happen. so i'm in love with alex now. fack! alex!"


a lot of changes went down in my life.. haha. this took me almost two hours to re-type from my notebooks so i hope yall approve. i didn't go any earlier than 2004, just because i THINK i might do a part two. we'll see. 1!