CHEERS.

A few Halloweens ago I bumped into you at a party. I had to go to the bathroom and when I opened the door you were in there. On the floor. With an open briefcase surrounded with fake money. I wasn't even phased, didn't wonder why you were on the floor at all, but I did have one question, "HEY! YAY! What the hell is all this fake money for?!". You replied, "It's for throwing, Jesus you're dumb. Here. Let's get drunk.", and handed me the hugest bottle of the most disgusting vodka I have ever tasted.
We danced and threw money all night.

Still trying to tone down my excitement of the thought of possibly running into you tonight. Wish it were true. Miss you like crazy. Cheers.

OH HEY, IT'S ME BOTCH.

You may remember me from such blogs as, my livejournal.. or .. this one; which I have neglected a lot for the past few. I have no good reason, either. I mean, I have been in school, but it's not like I've been studying my ass off or anything. Quite the contrary as of late, actually.
I'm super tired. It must be that whole winter creep. As soon as I get home, I just want to go to bed. Waking up is extremely difficult.. but blah blah. First world problems.
Thanksgiving just passed. I'm Canadian, we get ours early. It was our first without Anthony. Every year, it's tradition we gather around the table and take turns saying what we're thankful for. No one was really into it this year. It was really sad. Everyone felt it, but no one said anything for a long while. Then after our dinner, there was a huge piece of cake left, and I asked who it was for. "That's for Anthony!", my cousin shot at me. It was sweet, lovely, but made me cry all over the place. We ended up carving an "A" into the icing.
Ugh, I miss him so much. I came across a picture from a concert we went to last December, he was in the background, smiling his ass off. Looking mad geeked out. I wanted to place myself back at that moment and give him the biggest hug, and tell him how much fun I was having. Super bummed. I don't even want to think about Christmas. He always gave out the best gifts, and always wrapped in newspaper. Last year he got me a Wu-Tang record and a batman tee. YOU GUYS. It's still, not, real.
I know together we're moving forward, but I feel a lot of that is because we have to. I just fucking miss you, dude. I miss you so much. Don't ever take small moments like concerts with your fave people for granted.

Saturday was a friend's birthday where he wanted everyone to dress up (formally vintage). I don't understand people who show up to theme parties not themed. Especially if you knew about it beforehand. I mean, if you're randomly showing up because you heard about it, or coming from work, fine. But the whole "too cool" to participate is all sorts of silly to me. Regardless it was super fun. Conversations with strangers and wine make for excellent Saturdays.

Deadlines and tests and exams are hitting me from all directions. One of my e-mail accounts is on lock and I have a shit load of things just cyberly milling around until I can re-access them.

It's cold out now, and tea and soup are my current boyfriend.

My mom rules.

And there's your life update.

Thanks for stopping by. Xo.

EAT EM UP FOREVER.

COOL GUY.

The little things get to me the most. Every time I grab ice, I'm reminded of how when you were over, there was never ice; you would never fill the ice cube tray. As much as it annoyed me then, full ice cube trays have the same annoyance. I hate a filled ice cube tray so much.

I miss you cleaning out my cupboards, and coming over for dinner. I miss you covering the peephole with your eye or your mouth. I miss running into you.

I miss you so much, still, every day.

This shit is still un-real to me.
Please dream visit me.

THE MAN.

I miss him a lot today. I've just spent the past few looking at pictures of him and re-capping stories in my head. It still feels so un-real. It still almost feels like it hasn't happened. I have this idea warped in my head that I just haven't seen you in awhile. It really kills to force in reality. You're so amazing. Tears and laughter are on over-flow today.

I hope that wherever you are you're doing what you did best.. I don't know what the word for that is, but I still know you did it best.

I miss you so so so so much. Xo.

ALL THE WAY FROM TEXAS.

There aren't many things that have touched me as much as this one. There is something so surreal about having an audience that reads your words and actually feels them. There is something even more surreal about that same audience connecting to you and going out of their way to try and heal you.

Well. Let me tell you how Kim from Texas did that.

This girl wrote me the most touching, heart-warming, thoughtful card I have ever received. Along with that, she included a simply beautiful piece of jewellery. Her words stated that it was a heart so my cousin could be kept close to mine, his birthstone was also on the chain, and that the angel wing reflects him always being my angel in the sky. I cried for days. No one has ever done anything so wonderful for me. No one has ever been so thoughtful, so sweet. This is the absolutely most perfect piece of anything I have ever gotten.

For that, I shall treasure this little piece of silver for the rest of my life.

I can't say thank you enough. I really can't. If I could find some way to thank you every second for the rest of my days, it still wouldn't be enough.

My dearest Kim, thank you for being a reader. Thank you for reading. Thank you for this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You truly are one of the most treasured people to ever step into my little cyber world, and believe me when I say, you opened the door and made it a whole lot bigger. I can't wait til the day we meet. I owe you a trillion hugs.

Xoxo, all my love, Houston stand up!

LIKE A WILD FIRE.

Diiirrrrtttttyyyy 30. So we're here. You're 30! 30 is the new 20, so I expect nothing less of you..!

You're one of the spunkiest, wildest, biggest firecrackers to ever step into my life. Along with that though, you have a supportive shoulder for me to cry on. Which I never cry on 'cause I'm such a G. In all honesty though, I fully admire the craziness in you. It makes me laugh in pitches only dogs can hear.. and I appreciate that you've been there to tell me that everything I do is okay. I appreciate that you've never judged me, and took what I do in this world and thanked me for it. You're one of few that actually take the time to tell me how good of a job I'm doing, and you always seem to do so at the hardest moments.
So even with our stubborn-ness clashing together sometimes, I am always fully aware of one thing.. If I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, in a snowstorm, and I was drunk out of my mind and had no money.. You'd drop everything (possibly even a date with Diplo?) and come get me.. and for shit like that, I am so lucky.
When we were kids we weren't nearly as close as we are now. I think we spend more time together than we do eating and sleeping combined. Actually, we do a lot of that together too! Fine by me. Your jokes, your huge heart, your dancing, your smile.. 30 years of greatness, my lovely, let that part of you shine always. It's something we all adore and want to see for the rest of our time.

Xoxo, happy birthday.

IT'S BEEN ..

40 days. It's been 40 days without you. In significance of that, my family is hosting a prayer to say our final goodbye. Religiously, my family believes that today is the day we set him "free". I, personally, am totes not into this whole religion thing. A lot of us younger folk aren't. I stopped going to church with my mom when I was like.. 10. I think I've only been four times since that, and two were for weddings. Or some shit like that.
Regardless of my questions and beliefs (let's never talk about religion, why do we do it?!), I know today is going to be super really crazy hard. I've been trying to avoid the thought of it all day. A coffee break earlier almost had me break down in tears, but I was with company so I held it in. You gotta be strong to keep the people around you strong. I believe in that. There's also another side of me that says I don't gotta be shit though. Like, I can be weak if I want to. Right?! Whatever. Today I agree with that half. So, at this prayer/final goodbye/Kuya's 40 days I'm not going to try to be anything. I'm going to let it all out if it comes out.

Grab your tissues guys, tonight's gonna be a doozy.

SUNDAY NOT SO FUNDAY.

Sunday family dinners just aren't the same without you, cuz. I still find myself packing extra turkey for ya in my take-out box. This weekend held for a lot of beer, a lot of tears, but a lot of laughs too. Even without a cell phone, I can certainly count on the people who matter most to find me.. and that screams special.

Thanks.

And to everyone who hates me right now, well.. I've got nothing for ya. Continue to pick your reasons. I'm still here.

I'm meeting a lot of new people, and having a glorious time with my usuals.
Phasing in and out between crying like a basket case and laughing my ass off. Now I know that it might be a little tired, but for me.. I think I'm doing a lot better.. Actually, I want to refrain from saying the word "better". Let's just say I'm grasping the rope a little tighter.

Time to hit the books with a glass of wine.

Love. Xoxox.

FLYER.

Thanks for this one, Leah. He's wearing my dad's shirt in this pic. Love, love, love.

LAST NIGHT I HEARD EVERYTHING IN SLOW MOTION..

There are a zillion things I wish I had said to you, but I think the main one is, "I love you".

I know I have said it.. but not enough.

You gave me so much. You did. One day you came over, and you handed me a Wu-Tang poster. I was so stoked. It wasn't my birthday, it wasn't Christmas. It was just an ordinary day. And you bought it, for me. It goes so much further than material things. You taught everyone around you to LIVE. When trying to gather thoughts of what it was you were good at.. there's so many to list. You were an amazing musician, a comedian, a wrestler, a brilliant artist, a character, a terrific dancer, a respected critic.. and with all of that; what you gave to the world was life.
You truly gave off a charisma and charm that no one could ever match. Even your insults made me smile because as my brain scurried for a comeback, I couldn't get over just how much you were making me laugh.

I wish I could at least thank you. The idea of you ceasing to exist is not one I would like to keep in my head, but it's a thought I can't escape. I don't wanna face the facts that you won't be here with us anymore. I keep phasing in and out of this state where I force myself to think about it and essentially fall into a zone of sadness. I don't want to be sad, but I also feel that when I'm not thinking about you, my mind tricks me into thinking you'll come around the corner with that crazy smile, aviator sunglasses, leather jacket, and you'll call my name and I'll say, "HEY! What are you doing?! Where we going!?". I don't know which of the two phases is better. I can't seem to pick one that will help me.

I guess there isn't a thing that could really help right now. I know that I have to move forward, progress, succeed, party, enjoy my life, and live.. the way you expect all of us to. I just can't do that yet. Things aren't the same. They never will be the same.. and although I get that, I'm trying to find a way to believe that things will be, at the very minimum, okay.

At present time, I don't expect okay. I know that's going to be a battle for a while, but I feel it's the only way to heal.


I miss you so much.

I can't stop bringing you up, regardless of who I'm with. Absolutely everything to cross my path reminds me of you.. and when I'm not doing that, it's only this magnetic pull of "BOTCH STOP" that I force onto myself to try and live what everyone else knows as a "normal life".

Fuck a normal life right now, man.

I fucking miss you so much, and all the screaming I do into my pillow won't bring you back.. and I know that niether will my tears.. I know that clenching my fists and smoking til my throat hurts won't bring you back.. but I don't feel like anything else fits right now.

Nothing else.. fits.

I just.. miss you. And you left us too fucking soon. And it's not fair. And I hate everything that isn't about you. And I hate everything that is about you, because it brings me back to two weeks ago.. when you were insulting me, and asking me to play smackdown.. and I just wanna go back to that simple moment.. and hug you..

I can't. I can't. And that shit fucking hurts.

You.. are all things every single one of us ever wanted to be, but were too chicken shit of reactions. You didn't give a fuck about that, and although it hurts right now.. I'm going to keep you in my head.. because I refuse to let any reaction tell me what the fuck to do. I miss you, and that's that.

You said it'd be alright.. but I just don't know.

THINGS WITHOUT HIM, JUST SUCK.

MY FAVORITE "ROCK N ROLL ANIMAL".

It is with great sadness that we announce the sudden passing of our beloved, 'Anthony Lyle Bueno', born December 17, 1977. Peacefully, at home, Anthony passed on to begin his journey in the heavens.

Anthony is predeceased by his father, Celso Bueno. Left to mourn his passing, is his mother and step father, Elsa and Don Lazaruk, his brother Jimi Bueno, his step brother, Chris Lazaruk, and numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and friends.

Always the entertainer ('squareheads') Anthony touched many lives through his music and sense of humor. He was always quick to bring out a smile, and bursts of laughter, during any given situation. He will be missed by all that knew him. Prayers will be held at Glen Eden memorial (4477 Main St) on Friday, March 9, 2012 from 6:00pm to midnight, with funeral services at 1:00pm on Saturday, at St. Edwards Church (818 Arlington St.). Interment to follow at Glen Eden Memorial.

He passed away like morning dew,
Before the sun was high,
So brief was his time, he barely said goodbye.

He is not lost, our dearest love,
nor has he travelled far.
Just stepped inside the heaven's lovliest room,
and left the door ajar.

A very special thank you to Eugene and Patrick...forever his cousins, always his best friends.

Good night 'rock and roll animal', till we meet again.

Thanks again to everyone who offered thoughts, memories, support and love to Anthony and our family throughout.

COUSINS ARE EXTRA BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

And even though I'm in Toronto right now, I feel you with me. I miss you so much, cuz.

TODAY ISN'T ANY EASIER.

I MISS YOU SO, SO, MUCH.

& I WISH EVERYTHING BUT FOR THIS TO BE TRUE.

I don't even know what to say. I'm just.. really, really, really sad.

Miss you so much.

GONNA HAVE YOU TREMBLIN.

Hey guys, wanna hear about the best weekend of my life?! Then go ahead and get lost between god and a shot of scotch.



It started out Friday. Meet ups for the beautiful Kalliane's birthday. I don't think we've ever jumped that much in our life. Did I mention I have the baddest team in the universe?! I love my friends so much. You know when random strangers come up to you and tell you, "yo you girls are always the illest ones here".. that it was a good night. Drinks were spilling, fashion was blazing, and music was bomb. Not even gum in my hair and three girls ripping my hair out to get it out could ruin the night. It was actually kind of funny.

Botch: "my poor hair :( all this gum!"
Joe: "Ah don't worry Botch, you have tons of hair! Long hair!"
Botch: "Yeah you're right, fuck it". lol

The ONLY downfall of this night was having a pervy fucking cab driver pissing me off at 4 in the morning. It's never fun having to get out of a cab, drunk, in the blistering cold, at 4 am because you don't take shit from no one. Actually.. that was pretty awesome too. Don't fuck with Botch, thunn.

Saturday started out with some laughs. Which is exactly what I needed after hating the way things have been going lately. Whenever you're down in the dumps, surround yourself with good people. I think my favorite thing about going to comedy clubs is the food. It was my sister's birthday and she killed it. She's such a beauty:) The comedian was jokes too, "What flavor was this!? OH! GRAPE!.. maybe". BUT I THOROUGHLY enjoyed my dip platter, best hangover food ever. Spinach dip, HUMMUS! Omnomnom.



After that comedy trip.. It was time for dubstep Saturday. HOLY SHIT. I think we did a total of three locations, and each one was playing the most amount of dubstep you could ask for. Dj Araab Muzik was phenomenal. That guy puts in work when he djs! Oh my heart. How does a dj make you feel like you're up there playing what he's playing?! Well he did, and it was awesome.







Move on to Sunday, FUN DAY! Amber graced my life to give me a much needed haircut. Goodbye gum ripped hair! Amber time doesn't happen often with busy schedules and what not, so a night and a day with her, well.. it was a real treat.. After that, it was time for some much anticipated FEASTING. My family gets together what feels like every Sunday for some much needed eating. It's crazy. You'd think these Frenchies and Filipinos were Italians. THEY LIKE TO EAT. Seafood pasta, pasta salad, Chow Mein, Scalloped Potatoes, Roast, Lemon baked Tilapia, Battered Shrimp, dude! The list goes on. What's better than that?! Bringing Kalliane along for the ride and throwing in some rap karaoke.



After that fiasco, went to check out a cover band. They played the Beastie Boys AND the Ramones right after each other, so once that happened, I knew it would be a good night. I was right. I got a phone call at midnight that changed my entire perspective on my current situation. THANK YOU, for that. You're the reason I'm always getting faded! ANDDD it made my entire weekend. That's all I really wanted.. AND RIGHT AT MIDNIGHT! Not a minute later. Our next location was a set up for some mean hip hop. Foxy Brown, KRS ONE, Lost Boyz, AND all played by a female dj. She put on! Our next location was full of more dubstep. Dubstep all over the place!

Then.. this happened..


Don't you just love text message parties?! Afterwards finished half a bottle of wine and hit up even more dubstep. This night went til 7 in the morning. DEATH.

MONDAY! I hadn't slept but put on my "let's go get em" pants. Six hours of sleep in like four days can really fuck you up. "Rollin rollin rollin, I ain't slept in weeks". I met up with my friend Ryan for coffee. We could talk for hours, and I really miss that now that we each live in different cities. We stopped by his place and six years ago we started filling in a Wu-Tang symbol on his blinds. I think it took us like two months to finish filling. You try filling in a Wu on fucking blinds, with a sharpie, shit is hard. Plus I got to meet his turtle! What more could you ask for on a Sunday?! Then I came home and vomited my guts out. You know. Sexy type shit.





So, what did I learn this weekend?! I learned that I can't make anyone want what I want. I learned getting gum in your hair really fucking sucks. I learned that beer still rules. I learned that hip hop isn't dead, and never will be. I learned that no matter what happens to me, I have enough good to out-weigh the negative.

And fuck, if I have anything to be thankful for, it's definitely that.
Stay up.

Glorious darling, absolutely glorious.

CHERYL'S BIRTHDAY.

PHOTO FRIDAY

CHERYL'S BIRTHDAY












curse the blurriness

LE SQUAREHEADS.

THE SQUAREHEADS

the above video is footage of the squareheads song, "sweet sherry". i just finished watching the video myself, and couldn't help but want to get out of my house and hear them live. i haven't seen the squareheads yet, but they hold a pretty positive local fanbase, and there's no doubt why after watching.
they put in a full performance, completely energetic. it's dirty and grimey, and they feel the need to get the crowd involved.. isn't that what punk music's about? it's easy to see that the albert got torn to shreds that night.. and so did a few people lol.. and i'm a little sad i missed out. this shit looks fucking awesome.

the lead singer is my cousin, and i don't plan on missing the next one. i'll keep you posted.