I'M REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FUCKING SICK.

I had strep throat over the weekend, and just when I thought I was in the clear, I caught something viral. Fever. Headache. Congestion. A lovely lady at work took a listen to my chest and I only had a slight wheeze. Took my temperature and it was only 36.6, but I felt awful. Then I came home and fell apart. I went for soup with my mom and finished about a third of it because my appetite disappeared. After dinner I came home and took two sinus pills. Which takes me to now, moments after I puked out udon noodle soup, OUT OF MY NOSE. Have you ever puked udon noodles out of your nose?! Best. Time. Ever. Blowing your nose and having green onions come out like I'm some sort of overworked-just-got-a-divorce superhero.
This is the worst. Do I have to take two new pills now?! I feel like I get sick A LOT. That, or I talk about it a lot so it makes it seem like I'm always sick. Whatever. I'm sick right now, shut up. Stop talking. I took two more pills.
It's crazy to think of how repairable the human body is yet at the same time, so fragile. All these tiny wires and fragments and compartments and twists and turns.. all to throw some noodle down your snot chute. Fuck, that hurt. Worst wire cross, ever.
I feel so defeated. You always forget how bad being sick is until you reach the point again and then you're all, "Oh yeah! This was the worst time ever! Why did I ever think it was just video games and juice time?!".

I took the nighttime pills instead of the daytime. I need the extra hours to redirect some noodles.

SEARCHING FOR..

Silence. I rested my head on the inside of my arm. The blood passing through my veins sounded like a faint heartbeat. The ceiling fan spun, sending what sounded like a rake scraping pavement down toward my eardrums. The tears dripped from my cheek, making my arm wet. The sheets rustled as I changed positions to stop it. The tiny voices in my head were screaming at each other. Each team looking for their own, wrong, and right. Each corner turned out empty. The wind blew against the window, ghouls and ghosts of mother nature, taunting the tiny voices.
Maybe I'm not here. Maybe I've disappeared. Into a land of nothingness, into a fortress built by tiny voices, and scrapes, and rustles, and ghosts, into.... numb? We're here. I'm numb.
Find yourself. "FIND YOURSELF!", I tell the tiny voices in my head. Maybe if you circle back to yesterday. Ugh no, not yesterday, that is where the heart is from. Try going forward. Take a left once you reach vitality and catch your breath. Take a second, catch your breath. Jesus Christ, why can't you catch your breath?
It's cold now. I'm wearing my jacket, my sweater, but it's cold now. I'm in the fetal position, but I'm cold, now. I don't mind it. I want to be cold. I hate warmth. I just wish they would stop shouting at me. I don't know where the right or wrong is, why can't they hear me? Why do they ignore my pleas?
My heartbeat slowed and grew louder with every beat. The thumps seemed to be pounding out of my chest. I gripped myself tightly, trying to muffle the pounding but my arms were too weak. I closed my eyes hoping that the inside of my eyelids would help the tiny voices to have less distraction.

Silence.

It has never been this loud.

SO FUCKING BUSY.

I'm so busy, my head might fall off. I'm not totally freaking out, a normal person probably would. My list of tasks exceeds the length of time I have to complete them, but I feel like if I have a panic attack now, I'm going to lose time, so I'm refraining.
I won't say no to any favors. If you'd like to clean my room, do my laundry/dishes, mow my lawn, attempt this paper, answer my e-mails, change over some forms, go to work for me, re-html my blog, copy edit these stories/poetry, or make my phone calls for me, I'll kindly accept.

I've always been the girl to say "yes" to anything anyone asks me, now everyone's getting pissy because I'm giving out a few "no"'s. Y'all can suck it, assholes. Fuck you, and your shirt, lame ass.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, SOMEONE HELP ME.

Oh. What? Sorry. Was that a mini panic attack?! My apologies, let me return back to my meditation and always chaotic zen mode.

...

If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back.. something. Some cliche quote that is so cliche and quotey but extremely legit.

Tomorrow I graduate college; with this new movement in my life, I plan to go and get more school. Professional student tings.

I'm sad at how things are kind of biting me in the ass.. but I have to do what's right and will help me grow. I'm only trying to do the right things, even if they're sucky as fuck.

Let's all cry and read books and write things and grow together.. or apart, with our pets. You know. Whatever.

Emotions run wild. Even worse at night.
Stay up, Botch. For the love of everything, stay up. Stay up.

OMYFREAKINGLANTA.

I AM SO FUCKING BEHIND. You know, I figured if I did like a little every day, I wouldn't be in this situation. EH. WRONG. I am fucking behind. I have shit to mail, stories to edit, walls to paint, clothes to pack, pillows to cry on.. BASICALLY. I am not going to get everything done by my deadline, even if I stay up all night.. which is my exact plan.
Yes, we are planning an all-nighter. Should we add in the following factors, work at 8am, and leaving the city at 6pm. Yeah. Why not. Let's just add those in to make it all a little more exciting. WHY OH WHY DID I SAY YES TO SO MANY THINGS?! Why oh why did I party so much?! Oh yeah. 'Cause it's fun.
Whatever, I brought this all upon myself, blah blah yeah, save your lectures people! This is my blog and I complain however the fuck I want! YEAH. OKAY. LET'S CRY NOW.

TASK NUMBER ONE: Organize your billion tasks.

I held back in calling myself a dumb fuck a lot in this post. Yay.

HELP!

My bills are ridiculously high right now. So that's happening. I could pay them, but I'd much rather pay for concert tickets. Hey cell phone bill, destroy yourself. Also, I'm busy up the fucking ass. What?! Yeah. Also, I'm going to be having classes on Saturday and Sundays. I can't imagine my life being busier than it is right now, but apparently it's going that way! ACK! HELP ME.
I've started editing stories for an organization that helps people with disabilities. I'm already a week behind on that. I CAN'T FUNCTION. When's the last time I slept?! I can't remember. What is sunshine?! Where is summer? Why does four loko taste like poison?! When will I rest?!
I'm nearing sick. Scratch that, I'm really sick. I've vomited every morning for the past four mornings. It's kind of disgusting, really. I think I need sleep. I think the deprivation is starting to get to me. I HAVE NO TIME FOR SLEEP. Who sleeps!
In other news, I'm moving forward, kind of, I guess? I dunno. I need help. SOMEONE COME TYPE STUFF FOR ME. Wahhh. Dying.

I WANNA WATCH PROMETHEUS ALREADY! Did I spell that right?! Whatever. Aliens and shit! I'm too busy to blog, what am I doing here?!

CREEP REPELLANT, ANYBODY?

WHAT'S WACK WEDNESDAY!?!?! I'LL TELL YOU..

Hit the jump.DAY 1 - MONDAY: I meet this guy, who we shall call, Frank, for the sake of story-telling. Frank is nice, introduces himself and we have a chat about hockey. A random stranger, acting randomly kind. I didn't mind, work brings in a lot of random kind strangers, who I don't mind being randomly kind to in return. Then he asks if I have a Christmas tree. When I reply no, he says, "I could go get you one. They're only like 20 bucks!". I kindly, refused.. but said I'd ask my family, although they weren't really into it. (A kind, lie, that I made up). During this, a woman had slipped, and went into shock.. so I had to stay with her and make sure her legs were elevated until more paramedics came (Thanks college, you helped me help her).. so with all the commotion and business, I had to act randomly kind to another stranger, and he had left.

DAY 2 - TUESDAY: Frank returns. I'm a little un-comfortable with the situation, but put on my best efforts to be polite. This time, however.. he comes bearing a gift. A leather jacket. When I ask him why he brought me a leather jacket, he says, "because you're really nice, and do a great service". I say it's inappropriate, but he insists and leaves the jacket behind. In the jacket pocket, a note is left. It has the following message, "Hey. Here's my phone number", along with his phone number, hearts all over the paper, and also that there's a Christmas surprise in the other pocket. When I check the other pocket, there is a toothbrush, and a condom. I was livid. I'M NO FUCKING HOOKER. I'm HALF your age, and the fact that he even thought I would say yes to this sleepover package made me want to vomit and punch someone out. After crying with anger and trying to calm down, I take matters into the best way I know how. With this, comes the following plan: A friend, who is a police officer will come to my workplace at the same time he arrived today and will try and figure out a solution.

DAY 3 - TODAY (WEDNESDAY): My police officer friend, who we will call Max, comes in at the same time. We drink coffee for about a half hour before finally facing the fact Creepzilla isn't coming around. So, as we're about to pack our things and go.. Frank walks in. HE FUCKING CAME BACK?! Really? My hand started to shake in anger and I gave Max a slight nod. When Max asks to speak to Frank, and asks for a conversation, Frank refuses. Then Max shows him his badge. Frank complies. After a stern talking to, Frank denies he ever made any advances at me, nor did he give me a jacket or condom.. but Max assures him that he needs to leave me alone, and never come back to the area.

Now.. I try to be nice to everyone I work with, and all the people I deal with.. because that's my job. I couldn't believe that this fuckin' fuck, had the idea that he was more special than anybody else I deal with.. OR, that I would even be remotely interested in something of that nature AT ALL. I have never felt so degraded and disgusted in my entire fucking life. For my well-being, and safety, I had someone who is not only an amazing person, but a great friend, come to my rescue. I don't know how the fuck he deals with these creeps on the daily without wanting to fuck up every single one. I am nobody's one night stand, nobody's hooker, and nobody's piece of meat.. and when someone decided to treat me in such a way, I am so fucking lucky that I had the support of phenomenal people willing to make sure I was okay, and comfortable.

These fuckin' creeps need to take a look at their lives and see what the fuck they're doing. You're taking innocence and random kindness and turning that into something that no one wants to do.. solely because of their fucking fear that said stranger could be a creep. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, bums on the street don't ALWAYS get change, but I give my symptahy and change to people I feel need an out. I give smiles and conversations to as many strangers as I can to try and show the world that not everyone is an asshole. BUT, this guy was. He was a fucking dirty, perverted, rude, thoughtless, senseless, bitch ass, mother fucking, prick.. who I HOPE, gets nothing but the fucking worst in life. Rot in hell mother fucker, and I hope to never see your face again. You're the wackest Wednesday that I've ever had in my entire life.. and for that, I wish nothing but the worst for you. Hmph. You can take your phony ass kindness and randomly shove it up your ass, cunt.

A g'day.