Tuesday, November 5, 2013


Silence. I rested my head on the inside of my arm. The blood passing through my veins sounded like a faint heartbeat. The ceiling fan spun, sending what sounded like a rake scraping pavement down toward my eardrums. The tears dripped from my cheek, making my arm wet. The sheets rustled as I changed positions to stop it. The tiny voices in my head were screaming at each other. Each team looking for their own, wrong, and right. Each corner turned out empty. The wind blew against the window, ghouls and ghosts of mother nature, taunting the tiny voices.
Maybe I'm not here. Maybe I've disappeared. Into a land of nothingness, into a fortress built by tiny voices, and scrapes, and rustles, and ghosts, into.... numb? We're here. I'm numb.
Find yourself. "FIND YOURSELF!", I tell the tiny voices in my head. Maybe if you circle back to yesterday. Ugh no, not yesterday, that is where the heart is from. Try going forward. Take a left once you reach vitality and catch your breath. Take a second, catch your breath. Jesus Christ, why can't you catch your breath?
It's cold now. I'm wearing my jacket, my sweater, but it's cold now. I'm in the fetal position, but I'm cold, now. I don't mind it. I want to be cold. I hate warmth. I just wish they would stop shouting at me. I don't know where the right or wrong is, why can't they hear me? Why do they ignore my pleas?
My heartbeat slowed and grew louder with every beat. The thumps seemed to be pounding out of my chest. I gripped myself tightly, trying to muffle the pounding but my arms were too weak. I closed my eyes hoping that the inside of my eyelids would help the tiny voices to have less distraction.


It has never been this loud.