I JUST WANT TO BE IMPORTANT.

I want to be important. I don't want to be needed. I could give less of a fuck about that shit. Just important. I don't need to be at the top of the ladder, I don't need to own the world. Just important. I don't want a statue with my name on it.I don't need to be the park bench that everyone sits on but ignores the gold plated piece of memory on it. GOOD IMPORTANT. I don't want to be that phone bill you keep in your drawer of important things. No, fuck that. I want to be an antique necklace that you received from your grandmother. You keep it in an engraved box a top your dresser. You only wear it on special occasions. That kind of important.

IMPORTANCE OF BEING IMPORTANT HAS NEVER FELT MORE IMPORTANT.

BOUNCING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE HEALING AND THE HOLLERING.

March is get your ass on track month. I'm a sad, emotional, party-going wreck right now. Breaking down for a half hour and laughing the next. I've been fighting inner demons but maybe not to my fullest potential. I really miss my cousin. It hurts more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. BUT. I'm okay. I'm pushing and pushing to be okay. Some days, I am. Other days, I'm a little crazy. The group of people around me is so supportive that it makes anything appear possible even when I haven't achieved shit all yet. YET. Key word y'all, yet.

I'm not gonna sit here and rant about how you should feel sorry for me. I've always hated people who did that. People who feed you their petty problems. Whenever someone comes to me crying, my mind is yelling "Ugh get over it!". SO. I know how that is, people. I've never really known of a person or story of someone who was exactly where they wanted to be. I mean, everyone always wants to improve their situation, right?

I'm a private person when it comes to emotional stress, as well as emotional well-being. Although it's funny, my number one shoulder to cry on is a blog.. which in essence, isn't very private at all. Unless no one reads it, then fuck. WHERE ARE WE GOING WITH THIS?!

Okay. Here's what I really want to say. I don't want to approach the world with how I'm feeling, because I'd always rather write about it than speak it. This way it's a choice on whether you would like to see what goes on in this girl's fucked up head, or whether you'd click on to a Photo Friday. Either choice won't hurt me. I've been an independent psychopath since forever. I said psychopath as a joke, I'm really not going crazy. I am having a fun time right now. I am beginning to prioritize on paper, but need to relay these goals to reality, it's tough but I'm working on the discipline part. I am a little sad but I am handling it in a healthy way. My friends rule. Hip hop is life. Wu-Tang forever. Love is love.

Fuck you March, I'm going to destroy you.

Mean mugs, up.

DEAR FACEBOOK TIMELINE,

Hey, timeline. You're un-organized. People can see all my embarrassing moments from the past, they're supposed to work for that. Your boxes don't even line up. My eyes don't know where to look. You probably have no friends. Everyone probably hates you. When you show up to a party, people say, "Fuck, Timeline's here. I'm out.". You probably have a messy room, with a mess that's not even cool. It's probably just receipts and wrappers from un-cool things. You probably listen to Nickelback.

DON'T JUST WANDER BACK AND FORTH..

We're losing our ability to speak truth. If we've learned anything, it's that we get along best because we fully put ourselves out there. Flaws and all. No judgements, almost an understanding of mistakes.
I will always be there for you. There's something about our relationship that fully makes me want to take care of you. I don't feel the need to, I WANT to. Reality of it is, I can't fully do that. There's only so much I can do and say. All your choices are just that, your choices. I can only hope they get better daily. That's not an insult, I question my own choices a lot.

This year has been so fucked up.

I've finally grasped the fact that I can let things go a lot easier now, but I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Does that shit make me heartless, or grown?

I'm drowning in a pool of doing right and pleasing everyone. It feels good some days, but if I could take myself to the shallow end, maybe these deep waters wouldn't feel so cold.

SUNDAY NOT SO FUNDAY.

Sunday family dinners just aren't the same without you, cuz. I still find myself packing extra turkey for ya in my take-out box. This weekend held for a lot of beer, a lot of tears, but a lot of laughs too. Even without a cell phone, I can certainly count on the people who matter most to find me.. and that screams special.

Thanks.

And to everyone who hates me right now, well.. I've got nothing for ya. Continue to pick your reasons. I'm still here.

I'm meeting a lot of new people, and having a glorious time with my usuals.
Phasing in and out between crying like a basket case and laughing my ass off. Now I know that it might be a little tired, but for me.. I think I'm doing a lot better.. Actually, I want to refrain from saying the word "better". Let's just say I'm grasping the rope a little tighter.

Time to hit the books with a glass of wine.

Love. Xoxox.

WORD VOMIT.

Childish Gambino is that dude. Can't get enough.
I need to attend le gym.
I'm collabing with Winston Salem this week, watch for that.
I have no questions in my formspring inbox.
I hate females. Any females that aren't in that boss click, I should say.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
I enjoy text messages, even if I don't always reply.
That north, north, that up top, that OVO and that XO.
I forgot what it was like to be a girlfriend.
I don't feel like being a nice person, nah!
DJ Jayceeoh was fun. I love my friends.
Greenroom is my fav room.
Initiation is still being repeated.
I take my sad feelings and drown them out with loud music.
No emo.

DEAR ABEL TESFAYE,

I would do dirt nasty raunch type things to you. The kind where we break tables and work out some ill bruises. We would listen to "Initiation" on repeat, drink a lot of vodka and smoke out the entire room. In between all of this, we would have intense make out sessions. Then you would go on your laptop and show me remixes of both our favorite songs. Then we'd head to the balcony of your condo and breathe in some fresh air, and perhaps a glass of merlot. Afterwards we'd stumble to your couch or your bed, which ever one is closer. Then we'd sleep, wake up, eat cereal, and do the exact same thing over again.

I fucking love The Weeknd. Unnnffffff.

SUMMMMMERRR!

- that new asher roth summer song is AMAZING
- staying in on a friday night is cool
- i got the most amazing package today
- so thankful and lucky for moments like that
- tylenol, you do wonders, but i hate you
- when i say i'm broke, i really mean, "i don't dip into my savings"
- i want pizza
- i'm gonna post the most pictures i have ever posted in a row, ever
- where is everybody?!

I DON'T SPIT, I VOMIT, GOT IT?

- everyone's telling me to listen to childish gambino
- tried listening to "let me dope you", got two minutes in.
- don't know how i feel about him as of yet.
- i almost bought kid cudi tickets today..
- til i saw they were $70, in the nosebleed section.
- once the rock the bells line up is finally announced, i will be at ease.
- lex wants the washington show this year, while i want nyc again.
- DECISIONS, DECISIONS.
- i don't even have money to blow; yet i talk like i do.
- yo, lemme buy that.
- i don't get this "pierce cruz" phenomenon. help?
- i need a new phone so fucking bad!
- i don't hate on mac miller, i don't personally like dude, but he has proper cadence.
- some beezy @ shoppers wrote her number down on my boyfriend's receipt.
- no one has ever slipped me their number. i need to step up my game.