I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT MEAT.

I went to Tony Roma's yesterday and was super close to ordering a steak AND ribs. This might not seem like much, but I've been a vegetarian for some odd years now, so yes. It's something. I didn't end up ordering the steak or ribs. But I still think about it. One of my best friends recently had chicken after being a veggie head for over four years, and I don't see her as a failure. I mean, I don't see it as failing. It's a choice. We just chose to eat something, right?

I go through these weird phases/self-contests. I went through a year of cutting out white rice, a three year streak of no pork, a ten year streak of no carbonated drinks. I decided to go with the whole carbonated drinks thing again, with the exception of beer. I don't know why I do these things, it's almost just a test of will power. If I was a complete health nut, I'd probably quit smoking... I haven't.

These inner battles of determination and discipline stem from a place I can't remember.

I think about burgers a lot lately.. but I feel like if I give in, I have to start from square one.

Stay tuned, I might blog a burger, steak, carbonated drink, cigarette break soon......

IT'S AS IF..

It's as if everything I've done prior doesn't matter.
I've completely faded from the most important thing to a stranger.

I am not given time to speak, or be heard, or recognized.
Words of praise quickly turned into words of hate.

So many people hoped for this and wanted this.

Immaturity before adult conversation, because my existence should not matter unless I abide to every rule in the life book and never have any thing close to a human mistake/break down/emotion.

Hold everyone else's mistakes in your hands, so that your level of superiority does not leave you.
Grasp tight to the fact that you are perfect, constructed robotically to ensure your entire self-less being is only slightly out-shined by your holistic presence. Hold on to all of that, for the sake of us no good-fuck up-useless-cold-hearted shit bags who have no remorse or regret for the almighty being that is you.

I couldn't find the gears to transform me into everything I was supposed to be, so let me continue down this downward spiral until my existence isn't plaguing yours.

Send all of your continued disgust down the road of no forgiveness. I'm trying to hitch a ride under the sign that says "Wrong turn, all the time". A place that *you've* never driven down, even though it's the only road home.

UGH. THE INTERNET IS MAKING ME CRY SO MUCH TODAY.

Here's why:

Thanks, internet.

MORE THINGS.

Oh god. Send help. Guys, send help. I need all the stuffz.

I WANT TO BUY EVERYTHING.

Like ugh, seriously. I'm going to become a homeless bum lugging around a backpack full of not so essential things. Can we please?! Like intervene me. Please. You should hurry. I have student loans to pay off.

I want all the things!

BOUNCING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE HEALING AND THE HOLLERING.

March is get your ass on track month. I'm a sad, emotional, party-going wreck right now. Breaking down for a half hour and laughing the next. I've been fighting inner demons but maybe not to my fullest potential. I really miss my cousin. It hurts more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. BUT. I'm okay. I'm pushing and pushing to be okay. Some days, I am. Other days, I'm a little crazy. The group of people around me is so supportive that it makes anything appear possible even when I haven't achieved shit all yet. YET. Key word y'all, yet.

I'm not gonna sit here and rant about how you should feel sorry for me. I've always hated people who did that. People who feed you their petty problems. Whenever someone comes to me crying, my mind is yelling "Ugh get over it!". SO. I know how that is, people. I've never really known of a person or story of someone who was exactly where they wanted to be. I mean, everyone always wants to improve their situation, right?

I'm a private person when it comes to emotional stress, as well as emotional well-being. Although it's funny, my number one shoulder to cry on is a blog.. which in essence, isn't very private at all. Unless no one reads it, then fuck. WHERE ARE WE GOING WITH THIS?!

Okay. Here's what I really want to say. I don't want to approach the world with how I'm feeling, because I'd always rather write about it than speak it. This way it's a choice on whether you would like to see what goes on in this girl's fucked up head, or whether you'd click on to a Photo Friday. Either choice won't hurt me. I've been an independent psychopath since forever. I said psychopath as a joke, I'm really not going crazy. I am having a fun time right now. I am beginning to prioritize on paper, but need to relay these goals to reality, it's tough but I'm working on the discipline part. I am a little sad but I am handling it in a healthy way. My friends rule. Hip hop is life. Wu-Tang forever. Love is love.

Fuck you March, I'm going to destroy you.

Mean mugs, up.

...

If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back.. something. Some cliche quote that is so cliche and quotey but extremely legit.

Tomorrow I graduate college; with this new movement in my life, I plan to go and get more school. Professional student tings.

I'm sad at how things are kind of biting me in the ass.. but I have to do what's right and will help me grow. I'm only trying to do the right things, even if they're sucky as fuck.

Let's all cry and read books and write things and grow together.. or apart, with our pets. You know. Whatever.

Emotions run wild. Even worse at night.
Stay up, Botch. For the love of everything, stay up. Stay up.

STUFF THAT HAPPENED TODAY..

I woke up at 7:45 AM. My alarm was set for 5 AM. I couldn't stop hitting the snooze. It was set for 5 AM so I could study for a final I had at 9 AM. Worst case scenario. Got stuck in traffic. A girl yelled at me, "What is your problem, bitch?!". Goodness, it's Friday, lady. Calm down. When I went to Tim Horton's to grab a coffee, a bird pooped on my arm. I walk into class at 9:20, 20 minutes late.. but eureka! I mixed my classes up, which meant my actual final was at 1:00 PM.
Ended up writing my final, with a final grade of 92%. Like a boss, that's how we do. I had a piece I had to write in another class so I went to go write it. I figured since the piece was from a Wednesday class, no one would be in the classroom. I scanned my card and entered. TO A FULL CLASS LECTURE. Oops. "Well, by the looks of it, I assume everything is going good here." I said nervously as I backed out the door. A few laughs helped the embarrassment. Headed to the lounge to kill time until that class was over and I could finally do work. "Accepted" was playing so I finished it. Not enough time was killed and the feeling of getting work done had left me and so I decided to go home. Saw a guy humping a lamp. Got a green tea frapp. These are the random details of a Friday.

New blog looking.. few glitches. I'm working on them! Xoxo.
- Botcheezy

THE WORK HARD LONG WEEKEND FAIL.

I knew it was going to happen, you know? I mean, I knew this all on Thursday. Sure, good Botch was all, "You have the entire weekend to work, don't freak out." but bad Botch was all, "You're not going to do shit.". I have done shit. I have! I have edited a piece and sent it, and I did study. Although, all of said work was kind of a half ass attempt on doing real solid work til your eyes collapse type work.
I tell myself not to do "fun" things like partying or indulging because then I'd feel guilty for not working.. but then I do things that are still procrastinating.. like watching youtube videos. SURE, it's not as bad as going to party for five hours, but it is still five hours wasted. So, what's really right?

I'm like super tired right now and just want to sleep; except I'm not sure if I want to sleep because I'm actually tired, or if I want to sleep because I want to avoid the lengthy list of "GET SHIT DONE YOU OUT OF WACK SLORE!". Slore, I chose slore.

Good Botch is all, "Work for an hour then wake up and work all day.". Bad Botch is all, "YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE DAY TOMORROW! Go listen to that new mixtape".

I have like a bunch of e-mails from people asking me to review their tapes. I don't know when I became a mixtape connoisseur but it's something I'm slowly adjusting to. I'm not mad at the fact, I'm completely flattered by the love.. Really! My opinion matters to people! Soon I'm gonna have so many more friends than just internet friends!

Kidding. I just feel like I don't have the tools to handle everything in the timely fashion I would like to.. at this point and time anyway. That's my fault.

I went from partying every day to a full plate of tasks every day, and the transition is beyond me. I'm not even as busy as I'm making myself out to be, I could be way busier. However, the amount of busy is a little more than I'm used to and I find every excuse to take tasks from yesterday and then add them on to today. Now I sit here in yester-yester-yester-yester-yesterday's tasks, and yo. I want to shove all of them to tomorrow.

Who wants to work when you could lay in bed and look at your fingers move, thinking, "This is me. I am actually moving my finger. I can make it move up. Down. HOLY SHIT THE HUMAN BODY IS SO CRAZY! I can't believe I can do all this shit!". Yeah. You know.

Tomorrow Botch is going to want to come to right now Botch and slap her right across the fuckin' mouth and I am so not even caring right now. Tomorrow Botch is going to be on Redbull, pulling her hair out, wishing she had her ass in gear this long weekend. Tomorrow Botch, I'm so sorry.

STUFF I GOOGLE

Isn't Google funny? It's absolutely crazy to me that in this day and age, we refer to a search engine for EVERYTHING. Seriously, everything. I don't even remember what life was like using an actual map, or trying a restaurant before a review. How did we find out about albums?! It's all so hazy.

There are however, also the times you're drunk with your friends, the vodka has gotten to all of your heads, you're at some Chinese restaurant at 4am, post-party, and someone says "Yo, google 'dwarf bunnies' for a sec.". That's where this idea derived from. That, and the utter fear of my Google history being read out loud one day. I need to beat the odds and embarrass myself before someone else does it.

I'm keeping a log of everything I Google from here on in. I don't plan on giving any explanation, because I think initial reaction will prove to be quite comedic, however, if you really want to know, ask. I'll most certainly tell the story. So, with that said, as of late, here's some stuff I Google'd:

- Pablo Escobar
- racketeering
- Atmosphere question that lyrics
- puck bunny
- seven deadly sins
- how did they make nicholson smile joker
- what is professional biking called fast
- the inventor of straws
- can dogs get STDs
- songs to sex to
- dwarf bunnies
- tennis riot
- golf riot
- David Fustino
- Marschino cherries
- stature