CHEERS.

A few Halloweens ago I bumped into you at a party. I had to go to the bathroom and when I opened the door you were in there. On the floor. With an open briefcase surrounded with fake money. I wasn't even phased, didn't wonder why you were on the floor at all, but I did have one question, "HEY! YAY! What the hell is all this fake money for?!". You replied, "It's for throwing, Jesus you're dumb. Here. Let's get drunk.", and handed me the hugest bottle of the most disgusting vodka I have ever tasted.
We danced and threw money all night.

Still trying to tone down my excitement of the thought of possibly running into you tonight. Wish it were true. Miss you like crazy. Cheers.

OH HEY, IT'S ME BOTCH.

You may remember me from such blogs as, my livejournal.. or .. this one; which I have neglected a lot for the past few. I have no good reason, either. I mean, I have been in school, but it's not like I've been studying my ass off or anything. Quite the contrary as of late, actually.
I'm super tired. It must be that whole winter creep. As soon as I get home, I just want to go to bed. Waking up is extremely difficult.. but blah blah. First world problems.
Thanksgiving just passed. I'm Canadian, we get ours early. It was our first without Anthony. Every year, it's tradition we gather around the table and take turns saying what we're thankful for. No one was really into it this year. It was really sad. Everyone felt it, but no one said anything for a long while. Then after our dinner, there was a huge piece of cake left, and I asked who it was for. "That's for Anthony!", my cousin shot at me. It was sweet, lovely, but made me cry all over the place. We ended up carving an "A" into the icing.
Ugh, I miss him so much. I came across a picture from a concert we went to last December, he was in the background, smiling his ass off. Looking mad geeked out. I wanted to place myself back at that moment and give him the biggest hug, and tell him how much fun I was having. Super bummed. I don't even want to think about Christmas. He always gave out the best gifts, and always wrapped in newspaper. Last year he got me a Wu-Tang record and a batman tee. YOU GUYS. It's still, not, real.
I know together we're moving forward, but I feel a lot of that is because we have to. I just fucking miss you, dude. I miss you so much. Don't ever take small moments like concerts with your fave people for granted.

Saturday was a friend's birthday where he wanted everyone to dress up (formally vintage). I don't understand people who show up to theme parties not themed. Especially if you knew about it beforehand. I mean, if you're randomly showing up because you heard about it, or coming from work, fine. But the whole "too cool" to participate is all sorts of silly to me. Regardless it was super fun. Conversations with strangers and wine make for excellent Saturdays.

Deadlines and tests and exams are hitting me from all directions. One of my e-mail accounts is on lock and I have a shit load of things just cyberly milling around until I can re-access them.

It's cold out now, and tea and soup are my current boyfriend.

My mom rules.

And there's your life update.

Thanks for stopping by. Xo.

EAT EM UP FOREVER.

COOL GUY.

The little things get to me the most. Every time I grab ice, I'm reminded of how when you were over, there was never ice; you would never fill the ice cube tray. As much as it annoyed me then, full ice cube trays have the same annoyance. I hate a filled ice cube tray so much.

I miss you cleaning out my cupboards, and coming over for dinner. I miss you covering the peephole with your eye or your mouth. I miss running into you.

I miss you so much, still, every day.

This shit is still un-real to me.
Please dream visit me.

THE MAN.

I miss him a lot today. I've just spent the past few looking at pictures of him and re-capping stories in my head. It still feels so un-real. It still almost feels like it hasn't happened. I have this idea warped in my head that I just haven't seen you in awhile. It really kills to force in reality. You're so amazing. Tears and laughter are on over-flow today.

I hope that wherever you are you're doing what you did best.. I don't know what the word for that is, but I still know you did it best.

I miss you so so so so much. Xo.

ALL THE WAY FROM TEXAS.

There aren't many things that have touched me as much as this one. There is something so surreal about having an audience that reads your words and actually feels them. There is something even more surreal about that same audience connecting to you and going out of their way to try and heal you.

Well. Let me tell you how Kim from Texas did that.

This girl wrote me the most touching, heart-warming, thoughtful card I have ever received. Along with that, she included a simply beautiful piece of jewellery. Her words stated that it was a heart so my cousin could be kept close to mine, his birthstone was also on the chain, and that the angel wing reflects him always being my angel in the sky. I cried for days. No one has ever done anything so wonderful for me. No one has ever been so thoughtful, so sweet. This is the absolutely most perfect piece of anything I have ever gotten.

For that, I shall treasure this little piece of silver for the rest of my life.

I can't say thank you enough. I really can't. If I could find some way to thank you every second for the rest of my days, it still wouldn't be enough.

My dearest Kim, thank you for being a reader. Thank you for reading. Thank you for this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You truly are one of the most treasured people to ever step into my little cyber world, and believe me when I say, you opened the door and made it a whole lot bigger. I can't wait til the day we meet. I owe you a trillion hugs.

Xoxo, all my love, Houston stand up!

LIKE A WILD FIRE.

Diiirrrrtttttyyyy 30. So we're here. You're 30! 30 is the new 20, so I expect nothing less of you..!

You're one of the spunkiest, wildest, biggest firecrackers to ever step into my life. Along with that though, you have a supportive shoulder for me to cry on. Which I never cry on 'cause I'm such a G. In all honesty though, I fully admire the craziness in you. It makes me laugh in pitches only dogs can hear.. and I appreciate that you've been there to tell me that everything I do is okay. I appreciate that you've never judged me, and took what I do in this world and thanked me for it. You're one of few that actually take the time to tell me how good of a job I'm doing, and you always seem to do so at the hardest moments.
So even with our stubborn-ness clashing together sometimes, I am always fully aware of one thing.. If I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, in a snowstorm, and I was drunk out of my mind and had no money.. You'd drop everything (possibly even a date with Diplo?) and come get me.. and for shit like that, I am so lucky.
When we were kids we weren't nearly as close as we are now. I think we spend more time together than we do eating and sleeping combined. Actually, we do a lot of that together too! Fine by me. Your jokes, your huge heart, your dancing, your smile.. 30 years of greatness, my lovely, let that part of you shine always. It's something we all adore and want to see for the rest of our time.

Xoxo, happy birthday.

IT'S BEEN ..

40 days. It's been 40 days without you. In significance of that, my family is hosting a prayer to say our final goodbye. Religiously, my family believes that today is the day we set him "free". I, personally, am totes not into this whole religion thing. A lot of us younger folk aren't. I stopped going to church with my mom when I was like.. 10. I think I've only been four times since that, and two were for weddings. Or some shit like that.
Regardless of my questions and beliefs (let's never talk about religion, why do we do it?!), I know today is going to be super really crazy hard. I've been trying to avoid the thought of it all day. A coffee break earlier almost had me break down in tears, but I was with company so I held it in. You gotta be strong to keep the people around you strong. I believe in that. There's also another side of me that says I don't gotta be shit though. Like, I can be weak if I want to. Right?! Whatever. Today I agree with that half. So, at this prayer/final goodbye/Kuya's 40 days I'm not going to try to be anything. I'm going to let it all out if it comes out.

Grab your tissues guys, tonight's gonna be a doozy.

SUNDAY NOT SO FUNDAY.

Sunday family dinners just aren't the same without you, cuz. I still find myself packing extra turkey for ya in my take-out box. This weekend held for a lot of beer, a lot of tears, but a lot of laughs too. Even without a cell phone, I can certainly count on the people who matter most to find me.. and that screams special.

Thanks.

And to everyone who hates me right now, well.. I've got nothing for ya. Continue to pick your reasons. I'm still here.

I'm meeting a lot of new people, and having a glorious time with my usuals.
Phasing in and out between crying like a basket case and laughing my ass off. Now I know that it might be a little tired, but for me.. I think I'm doing a lot better.. Actually, I want to refrain from saying the word "better". Let's just say I'm grasping the rope a little tighter.

Time to hit the books with a glass of wine.

Love. Xoxox.

FLYER.

Thanks for this one, Leah. He's wearing my dad's shirt in this pic. Love, love, love.