BOUNCING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE HEALING AND THE HOLLERING.

March is get your ass on track month. I'm a sad, emotional, party-going wreck right now. Breaking down for a half hour and laughing the next. I've been fighting inner demons but maybe not to my fullest potential. I really miss my cousin. It hurts more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. BUT. I'm okay. I'm pushing and pushing to be okay. Some days, I am. Other days, I'm a little crazy. The group of people around me is so supportive that it makes anything appear possible even when I haven't achieved shit all yet. YET. Key word y'all, yet.

I'm not gonna sit here and rant about how you should feel sorry for me. I've always hated people who did that. People who feed you their petty problems. Whenever someone comes to me crying, my mind is yelling "Ugh get over it!". SO. I know how that is, people. I've never really known of a person or story of someone who was exactly where they wanted to be. I mean, everyone always wants to improve their situation, right?

I'm a private person when it comes to emotional stress, as well as emotional well-being. Although it's funny, my number one shoulder to cry on is a blog.. which in essence, isn't very private at all. Unless no one reads it, then fuck. WHERE ARE WE GOING WITH THIS?!

Okay. Here's what I really want to say. I don't want to approach the world with how I'm feeling, because I'd always rather write about it than speak it. This way it's a choice on whether you would like to see what goes on in this girl's fucked up head, or whether you'd click on to a Photo Friday. Either choice won't hurt me. I've been an independent psychopath since forever. I said psychopath as a joke, I'm really not going crazy. I am having a fun time right now. I am beginning to prioritize on paper, but need to relay these goals to reality, it's tough but I'm working on the discipline part. I am a little sad but I am handling it in a healthy way. My friends rule. Hip hop is life. Wu-Tang forever. Love is love.

Fuck you March, I'm going to destroy you.

Mean mugs, up.

...

If you love something, let it go, and if it comes back.. something. Some cliche quote that is so cliche and quotey but extremely legit.

Tomorrow I graduate college; with this new movement in my life, I plan to go and get more school. Professional student tings.

I'm sad at how things are kind of biting me in the ass.. but I have to do what's right and will help me grow. I'm only trying to do the right things, even if they're sucky as fuck.

Let's all cry and read books and write things and grow together.. or apart, with our pets. You know. Whatever.

Emotions run wild. Even worse at night.
Stay up, Botch. For the love of everything, stay up. Stay up.

HOW THE FUCKY?!

A mandatory class. A mandatory class which you essentially need to complete the semester. A one time class. Five hours of your life. The class is on October 24, 2012. Your semester ends November 5, 2012. Fucking sounds easy as shit, right?
Your class is cancelled. They tell you five hours before you have the class to make sure you can't get into the others because they're all full.

I'll tell you what that is! TONS OF FUN. It's also kind of wack.

So should I just drop out now, or walk out wih my pants down, my hands in the air, asking, "WHO WANT IT!"?

THE WORK HARD LONG WEEKEND FAIL.

I knew it was going to happen, you know? I mean, I knew this all on Thursday. Sure, good Botch was all, "You have the entire weekend to work, don't freak out." but bad Botch was all, "You're not going to do shit.". I have done shit. I have! I have edited a piece and sent it, and I did study. Although, all of said work was kind of a half ass attempt on doing real solid work til your eyes collapse type work.
I tell myself not to do "fun" things like partying or indulging because then I'd feel guilty for not working.. but then I do things that are still procrastinating.. like watching youtube videos. SURE, it's not as bad as going to party for five hours, but it is still five hours wasted. So, what's really right?

I'm like super tired right now and just want to sleep; except I'm not sure if I want to sleep because I'm actually tired, or if I want to sleep because I want to avoid the lengthy list of "GET SHIT DONE YOU OUT OF WACK SLORE!". Slore, I chose slore.

Good Botch is all, "Work for an hour then wake up and work all day.". Bad Botch is all, "YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE DAY TOMORROW! Go listen to that new mixtape".

I have like a bunch of e-mails from people asking me to review their tapes. I don't know when I became a mixtape connoisseur but it's something I'm slowly adjusting to. I'm not mad at the fact, I'm completely flattered by the love.. Really! My opinion matters to people! Soon I'm gonna have so many more friends than just internet friends!

Kidding. I just feel like I don't have the tools to handle everything in the timely fashion I would like to.. at this point and time anyway. That's my fault.

I went from partying every day to a full plate of tasks every day, and the transition is beyond me. I'm not even as busy as I'm making myself out to be, I could be way busier. However, the amount of busy is a little more than I'm used to and I find every excuse to take tasks from yesterday and then add them on to today. Now I sit here in yester-yester-yester-yester-yesterday's tasks, and yo. I want to shove all of them to tomorrow.

Who wants to work when you could lay in bed and look at your fingers move, thinking, "This is me. I am actually moving my finger. I can make it move up. Down. HOLY SHIT THE HUMAN BODY IS SO CRAZY! I can't believe I can do all this shit!". Yeah. You know.

Tomorrow Botch is going to want to come to right now Botch and slap her right across the fuckin' mouth and I am so not even caring right now. Tomorrow Botch is going to be on Redbull, pulling her hair out, wishing she had her ass in gear this long weekend. Tomorrow Botch, I'm so sorry.

COOL GUY.

The little things get to me the most. Every time I grab ice, I'm reminded of how when you were over, there was never ice; you would never fill the ice cube tray. As much as it annoyed me then, full ice cube trays have the same annoyance. I hate a filled ice cube tray so much.

I miss you cleaning out my cupboards, and coming over for dinner. I miss you covering the peephole with your eye or your mouth. I miss running into you.

I miss you so much, still, every day.

This shit is still un-real to me.
Please dream visit me.

DON'T JUST WANDER BACK AND FORTH..

We're losing our ability to speak truth. If we've learned anything, it's that we get along best because we fully put ourselves out there. Flaws and all. No judgements, almost an understanding of mistakes.
I will always be there for you. There's something about our relationship that fully makes me want to take care of you. I don't feel the need to, I WANT to. Reality of it is, I can't fully do that. There's only so much I can do and say. All your choices are just that, your choices. I can only hope they get better daily. That's not an insult, I question my own choices a lot.

This year has been so fucked up.

I've finally grasped the fact that I can let things go a lot easier now, but I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Does that shit make me heartless, or grown?

I'm drowning in a pool of doing right and pleasing everyone. It feels good some days, but if I could take myself to the shallow end, maybe these deep waters wouldn't feel so cold.

PUKEY PANTS.

So either, A) I'm pregnant, or B) the Prometheus black gunk 3D'd itself into my system, and I am coming for all of you. Hope it's B!

If I wanted to sum up my thoughts toward Prometheus (before I got sick) it would be, the 3D isn't annoying, and everything looks awesome. The CGI in it, good show lads, good show.

In seriousness though, this pukey business really kind of sucks like a lot. Also, Rakim? Cancelled? Let the riots commence.

Also, I've been saying "also", a lot. For some reason it's quite comical to me. I thoroughly enjoy it. You can huck that shit anywhere!

I tried finishing editing today. I did about 80 pages. Which I will have to re-look over.. because every couple hours I'd have to host the puke party.

I'm feeling a little better after some Gravol and consuming 2 litres of water. I was planning on not drinking tonight, and that still is the plan.. but now that Rakim is cancelled, I think I might just try to get some more work done. We also gotta factor in the fact that my body is being an asshole.

Anyways, I'm busy. Wah.

STUFFZ.

My computer won't read my memory card.
Coachella pictures are taking longer to upload than Lupe's album
That joke sucked, my apologies.
I mowed my lawn, my neighbor wins.
Maybe since he loves mowing lawns so much, he should just mow mine.
It was fucking hot out today.
Have you guys listened to Fiona Apple yet? I like her a lot.
I could listen to Climax for a really long time.
The new Hypetrak is so ugly.
UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Blah.
I wish my friends would have a BBQ.. with veggie burgers.
Hey guys remember when we'd stay up real late and go to work the next day?!
Yeah. Those were the days. I got like 12 hours of sleep last night and still felt haggered.
It's funny how that works though. Week days I need my sleep.
Weekends, I can party til 6 in the morning and work at 8 in the morning. HOW!
Alex got a hell of a lot better at scrabble, you guys. He's all about the double word.
I miss Perla. I wish she was here with mango four loko and we were jumping all night.
My life vacation ends in two months. I am not looking forward to it.
I'm super nervous because I'm already exhausted like.. all the time.


Hi. It's Thursday.

WHAT'S NEW WITH YOU BOTCH?

Hey guys..! I must apologize for the lack of blogging lately. I mean, missing one day is really like missing a year, isn't it?!

2012 has really been kind of strange to me. I haven't been working on what I need to get done as much. I keep ignoring everything and telling myself I'll do it later. The term "later" doesn't really have a set date.. which means I basically end up not doing anything remotely close to what I need to do.

I don't want to think about it. I know I should, but I'm going to cling to putting everything off because this break is so needed.

I have been to nine different cities this year. Nine is the number I can think of right now, it could be more. It is more actually, because I just remembered another one. I always seem to do that. Get out of the place when times get tough. It works for me.

I miss Anthony a lot. I think about him all the time when I'm out with people and bite my tongue. I immediately fill my mind with a song or a sitcom clip. It's really hard. It's going to be hard forever, I know that. I'm a little more at peace with the fact I am finally in an acceptance stage over a grieving stage. Tears still flow though.

I've been thinking about moving my blog. Or at least.. re-vamping it. I really don't feel like html'ing and shit all by myself. The whole look of it really bums me out. It's so amateur and basic. I still want things to be clean, I just want it to function better and be more eye-pleasing. Maybe I can convince Bonibelle to help me once we're both in the same city. YEAHYEAH, help me! I haven't opened photoshop in like three years. Yikes.

I haven't been watching TV much. Started to finally finish about five books that have bookmarks half way through. It felt almost tedious at first. As if I was forcing it. One finished book later, I can't stop. It feels good again.

I've also been debating on whether or not I should add a writer to my blog. Truth is, I'm not here enough. I think the concept is really cool, but the narcissus in me tells me not to do it. All up in the air with my jumbled brain!

I'm going to make "later", June 15th. That's my set date for commencing "real life". Til then, please hold off all requests that make me think too much.

It's Friday. Can we have fun?

EVERYTHING SAID WITHOUT SAYING.

I never asked, nor wanted, actually wait. I never SAID. There's a difference between being angry and being un-comfortable. I'm not angry, I'm un-comfortable. There's a difference between hearing, and seeing. I saw. There's a difference between wanting and changing. I'm wanting.
I don't change my views much.. but I do try to think a certain way when I believe a different way. Does that.. wait. Sorry, what?

I know.

Life, why you so cray?!

Things happen, good, bad, shmeh. This was just a shmeh. I need to learn to teach myself that I can enjoy knowing other people's happiness won't always include me. That's totes fine.

You do you, I'll do me.

And we'll both have a good time doing it.

I bet you think this entry's about you, don't you? It's not.