Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I was feeling really guilty about not being able to get my goodbye in.. then, my sister and I decided to go ahead and get our goodbye in.. & now, I am at complete bliss knowing that we took the opportunity. Gza was last night, and I debated for four days whether to go or not due to these circumstances. I was then told, "You haven't left home in three days, you've finished two packs of smokes, you've been sad and crying, you're allowed to step out. It'll be good for you, you should go". So I went. & despite crying for a few seconds to rap that shouldn't make you cry, it was nice to smile. & to hear something I recognized. To be surrounded by something I love. & to even laugh a little bit.
When is it too early to move forward? If that even counted as moving forward. Ugh. I refuse to let my mind go back into the depths of sadness. Prayers will be on Friday, and final services will be in two weeks. I'm okay now, I'm not great, but I'm better. I have momentarily slips of world shaking, but I'm getting there.. and I didn't need anyone to help me get out of the funk.
I'll say this, you truly see who means most to you at times like these. People who actually take the effort to put their lives on hold to help get yours back on track...... those kind of people? Yo. I don't even.. I mean, I get it, I just.. never knew how amazing some people could be.. and also how in-sensitive other people are. Someone close to me actually had the audacity to ask, "Would you mind helping me clean my car tomorrow?". ..I'm sorry, what?! Did I not just tell you I was going to a funeral home to say goodbye to my grandpa?!

It's whatever you know. I learned a long time ago to push the thoughts of screaming at people aside and just let them be idiots on their own. I don't need a person to realize that some things in my life won't be written like a fairy tale. I am thankful for the love and support and kind words and people who have said "Do you want me to come over? I could do your dishes? Make you a meal?". Those are the kind of people that make this easier. & I'm not mad at the differences, I'm just surprised is all.

I've been ignoring the fuck out of most bbm and text messages. I figure I have good reason and if people don't see that, they can suck it. I have a big day tomorrow and Friday, and I'm pretty sure I won't get much sleep for any of it. Not that I need sleep anymore. Cigarettes have replaced sleep.

I'm drained for another day. So let's try to sleep and hope for sunshine tomorrow.