SMOKEY.

HAAHHWOOWWZAAHH.

I've received a writing offer. A paid writing offer. I don't want to say more than that, because I don't know what I'm going to do with it. My words have been used before (even stolen, wahhhh), in press write ups, and once for a gallery opening.. but other than that, everything I've ever written has been personal. I was told the other day, "You have a spark when you write, I get nervous that if you were to choose to write for a company, you'd lose that.". I dream big. I always have. When given the push/nudge/help though, that I always scream for, I tend to stray away from it. I always get nervous about not being good enough. About being criticized.
I think that being terrified of professional writing is proper when everything you've ever written has been personal. Aside from the press write up and gallery opening, my only boss.. and by boss, I mean the only person I've ever had to please, has been myself. And who am I!? I see a pretty ass bird or a rainbow and my happy continues for days. Weeks, even.
My biggest fear, has, and always will be, myself. I conjure up these thoughts of bad "what if"'s. I can't help it. My mind literally digs up the worst possible scenario, and convinces me that it's the only possible outcome. I have people saying the most ominous things about me, and I drive toward the opposite direction. NOW. The irony in all of this, is I do this because of my limited list of used works.. but the only way I could make that list longer, is by shutting fear out and stepping forward. OR, maybe not shutting fear out, but overcoming it. Damn this scatter brain!
I still want to do a few entries on Anthony. I think about them a lot, but haven't took them to a keyboard yet. I think that also holds hands with the fact that I haven't been able to listen to his albums. Nor have I gone through a pile of things he's given me. Nor have I listened to his tribute shows. Nor have I read his article completely. Nor have I.. the list goes on. I'm not in a place to do that.. yet. And, I want to be.
I'm busy as fuck, and took everything I have to do and buried it in my bag somewhere. Forms to fill, places to go, people to see, bills to pay, deadlines to make, things to study, whistles to blow. Taking a leap has never been this difficult for me, I'm fucking trying though. Although, my efforts aren't as great as they could be. I haven't completely dedicated my time.. but FUCK. I haven't had a fucking break in months. A few hours of vegetable are needed. I can't even begin to process where I should begin. Who I should run to. Where I should.. fuuucckkkkk. I'm not angry, just over-whelmed.
Cappucinnos, rain, Awolnation, and small sentences. There are few people who step into your lives and give you moments of nothing that become the best somethings. Rain hitting the dashboard has never sounded so lovely. Has it? Maybe I'm just hearing it better. Bezzies. How did I get to be that lucky?! Never ever do I take these things for granted, never.
Hi Alex. Hi Perla. Hi Kim. Hi Bonibelle. Hi blog readers. Thanks for giving me everything you have. I fucking promise each of you, you give me way more than you know. I hope to spend my entire life proving that to you. World domination, one small fear face at a time.

"THE WAY YOU WRITE IS SO DESCRIPTIVE, IT'S LIKE YOU TAKE ME THERE.. LIKE YOU PAINT A PICTURE. A KODAK MOMENT.. BETTER THAN THAT."

- TEEJ.

VIA TEXT MESSAGE:

#1: Why can't I send you bbms?!
#2: Why don't I know who this is?!
#1: Oh. Well now this is going to be fun. Purple monkey dishwasher!
#2: Lol you're funny. No wonder we're friends...
#1: I'm hilarious. Someone should pay me for this kind of material.
#2: I don't have a lot of guy friends, so u must be one of the 20 or so supermodels I've been talking to. This IS fun.
#1: I'm actually a troll living in the depths of the forest. A fairy gave me your number and a mystical box that lights up and connects me to people. She was the sweetest.
#2: That fairy knows what she's doing. She connects the right people. Fuck this might get weird, Botch. I knew it was you. Troll? Haha.

Lose. Jheff - 1. Botch... Zero.

GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Wake me up when March is over. Hmph.

SAIL.

Awolnation's "sail" is currently my favorite song. So when you're feeling really down, and you head into an empty bar, and you hear this song.. And you've spent the night telling your best friend how much you miss your cousin, and you could spend that entire four minutes not talking, hearing your fave song.. well.. that's .. something.
I've been telling my mind to stop the sadness, and I've been doing it with a lot of beer.. and a lot of good people. Drinking from midnight til 7 in the morning will really fuck you up.. but I can't lie and say it didn't help. Being without a cell phone was weird, and also kind of nice. It was anything goes. I flew where everyone else was flying..
I'm really fucking blue, guys. Being out in an atmosphere where everyone's happy and trying to get laid isn't for me right now.. but when I'm with my favorite people in rooms where music is blaring, I almost feel like I don't exist.. and I guess in wording, that may seem sad, but it's not. Feeling like you don't exist for a few hours takes you away from all the bull shit going on.
Not to say I don't face random moments where I completely break down. That's still happening.. but the few hours where I can just have people who actually give two shits, that's fucking wonderful.

I appreciate all the e-mails, phone calls, text messages, and whatever else social media notifies me of. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with them all. Slow responses aren't meant to throw up an impression I don't want to speak to any of you.. I just don't want to speak.

All words I have are lyrics, blog entries.. and all silences are drowned out by a bottle of beer and really loud music.. and that's what I want right now.

I have good people surrounding me, down to let me cry, down to let me not say a word.. and I couldn't be any more thankful. These blues couldn't be any better. Ha. Good problems.