I THOUGHT THAT I WAS DREAMING WHEN YOU SAID YOU LOVE ME..

I remember being alone in my Mom and Dad's room, at around the age of 8. I remember staring at the ceiling, trying hard to see my Dad. Searching and searching, seeing strobes of color from looking at the light too long, but never seeing him. I begged for it. I pleaded to the ceiling, to give me anything. "GIVE ME ANYTHING!", I sobbed. I'd spend hours here, I never let my pain show. I hid my pain from Mom, because even at 8, I understood I had to be strong for the both of us. These ceiling searching moments were the only time I ever showed weakness. Waiting. Waiting for Dad to tell me he existed, that he didn't leave me.

Every new moment of pain, I still find myself, looking at the ceiling, searching for answers I never receive. I pay close attention to different sounds, the slight buzzing of a light, the creaks of my house, the wind against the window, a car driving past, but none of it is ever what I'm looking for. I'm not even sure I know what I'm looking for, ever. But I know it isn't *this*.

I'm really sad right now. I feel really empty right now. I'm an atheist now, so I no longer search for spirits, for voices, for faces, but for some reason, I just can't stop searching the ceiling for something real. Perhaps it's still *wishing* on Dad, perhaps it's less.

I thought that I was dreaming when you said you love me
The start of nothing
I had no chance to prepare
I couldn't see you coming
The start of nothing
I could hate you now
It's quite alright to hate me now
When we both know that deep down
The feeling still deep down is good
If I could see through walls, I could see you're faking
If you could see my thoughts you would see our faces

DAD AND GOOD DEEDS DAY.

Tomorrow marks 19 years in my dad's passing. To celebrate the superman that touched the lives of many, I am leaving a sneak attack sack of kindness in a lower income neighborhood. My good deeds day bag couldn't have come at a better time!

What's included:
4 rolls of toilet paper
Package of facial tissue (8)
1 box of tea
2 bottles of water
Canned chili
Granola bars
Juice boxes
2 toothbrushes
Shampoo and conditioner
4 memo pads
5 pens
4 packages of instant noodles
Bandaids
1 reusable water bottle.
Baby wipes
Emergency weather poncho
1 deck of cards
1 flashlight
1 canned coffee
Deodorant
Toothpaste
6 individual jellos

My dad always gave us everything so we could give back. Love is love.

You can find out more about Good Deeds Day here: http://gdd.goodnet.org/
And also what we do! Here: http://thegaryeffect.ca/

LOVE IS LOVE.

My parents had that commercial, home-run, movie, romance novel, never fading kind of love. That real real kind of love. They had so much of it, they were able to share it with three kids and a huge collective of nieces and nephews. They are love. And love is love. Today is their wedding anniversary. To honor them, my sister and brother in-law also got married this day. SO MUCH LOVE ON NOVEMBER SECOND! It's also COMIC CON WEEKEND, and HALLOWEEN WEEKEND PART TWO! Hoorah!

JUST KEEP SHINING.

If someone who didn't know me asked me what life was like, I'd say, "I work my ass off then mellow out and have solo dance parties at music festivals a lot". This one I attended with my grandma, she didn't mind the naked people all over the place, and she loved my pink boots. So I really know where my inner music hippie came from.

An eclectic mix of music. Bluegrass, reggae, electronic, hip hop, rock. A little poppy, but worth every cent. $25 for a weekend?! Not to mention my uncle put on an excellent firework show!

More deets after the jump.

FOREVER MY FAVE FIREWORK IN THE SKY.

"Hey, this really is the greatest country in the world. We just like to help people remember that.."

-DAD.

Every Canada Day, I get super emotional. This past week has been a real test to see just how well I can maintain tears and laughter.. at the same damn time;) It's so easy to admire someone who gave back to the community. Someone who put on a firework display, gave out free hot dogs and burgers, free drinks, simply because.. they loved the community, and this country. I'm even luckier to have had that person as my dad.



Canada Days without you just aren't the same. Forever remembering every single thing you gave me, every single firework, every single hot dog, every single smile.. and by smile, I mean the ones you gave to thousands. You did that! You showed such love to complete strangers, and I owe every bit of kindness in me, to that.

If I could ever become even just a speck of what you are.. if ever I am JUST that, just a speck, I am thankful. You are the most amazing man to ever have graced my life, and I miss you more today than ever.. these tears keep coming, but I use the moments to keep every memory alive.

Happy 145th birthday, Canada. The greatest country in the world.

FLYER.

Thanks for this one, Leah. He's wearing my dad's shirt in this pic. Love, love, love.

A TRIBUTE.

My dad was always looking for a way to give back to his community. This year, my sister and I took it to our childhood neighbourhood, and decided to do just that. Upon going house to house, eventually word got out.. and we would have kids anxiously waiting by their doors. One girl screamed from her house as we approached hers, "THEY'RE COMING! THEY'RE COMING! SANTA'S HELPERS ARE COMING!". The feeling was so surreal. Completely nostalgic of my father. I truly believe he was with us that day, because I swear, I could almost feel his big bear hugs around me.
My sister and I met these kids who were so grateful for their gifts, they started to cry. Which in turn, made us cry. We couldn't believe how 5 year olds could be that grateful for something that they felt that strong of an emotion. In summary, it was a complete success. More pics, hit the jump.

YOU ARE, MY.. SUPERHERO..

I had the opportunity to see Tabi Bonney in February, and he was amaaazing. This was one of the songs he did. I caught the video for the first time about a half hour ago. & it's a good one. Shot in Washington, Malibu, and Hollywood. Not to mention the whole Superman relation. My dad's nickname was superman because everyone thought he looked like him.. I can see the Christopher Reeve association, but he always truly was my very own superman.
This is officially my favorite song in life right now, I seriously can't stop playing it. & I'ma throw the love to the sky tonight. This one's for you superman !

JANUARY 2 1956 - APRIL 29TH 1995

I miss you, so, so, so much. Sometimes I catch myself thinking "come back".. and that's when it hurts the most.. it's that split second where my mind forgets.. that you can't.