KDA - Hate Me ft. Patrick Cash

Thanks for this gem, Julius. Finna be my New Year's anthem. YAYAYA

PRINCESS NOKIA

Having mixed feelings about this one. Lyrically.......ummm.. but cadence, flow and beats are nice. I'm always trying to find my next female rapper to love. What do you think?!

GTA ft. Jarina De Marco - True Romance

Okay, well damn. This song sure takes you on a wonderful little wave, doesn't it?! Smooth as heck. This song is what silk lingerie feels like against a smooth, shaven, well moisturized body. Tiny spaghetti straps and into bed she goes, a bed with satin sheets. I don't own silk lingerie or satin sheets, but I'm damn sure this song sounds exactly what that would feel like.

Lotion up. Ayo.

The Walters -- Fancy Shoes

Kiddy Smile 'Let A B!tch Know'

I only want to go to parties like this for the rest of my life.

Nilüfer Yanya - Golden Cage

WARM ENOUGH FOR YA?

Why is it so hard to accept the party is over?
You came with your new friends
And her mom jeans and her new Vans
And she's perfect and I hate it, oh so glad you made it
I'm so glad you could come by
Somebody get the tacos, somebody spark the blunt
Let's start the Narcos off at episode one
Bring the gin, got the juice, bring the sin, got that too
Whoa, just shut up know you're my favorite

SZA

Misplaced.

CAN THIS GIRL GET A CONTEST WIN OR..?!

or a lottery win.. or a 50/50 win.. or just any, "win", really.

Times is hard. Care to buy a joke?

THIS CITY GIRL GONE BEACHED.

Dear summer,

I've spent these last two weekends at the lake with my best friends, my family, and the man close to my heart. It's been a slice. I've always prided myself on being a devout city girl. I like pubs, I like concerts, I like night life. BUT.. boy oh boy, I love the outdoors. I'm not super good at it. I don't mind bugs, they can do their thing, as long as they're not on me. I'm not big into fishing, I was when I was younger, but the interest has been a little lost since I've become a vegetarian. I like make-up and dying my hair - and both of these go to shit in the outdoors.
However, there's nothing like the smell of trees. The sounds of the lake. Shoulders warmed by sunshine. Campfires and beers. I found myself last night sitting on the dock, taking in the reflection of the moon on the lake and the laughter of my friends back at the cabin that bounced over the water to echo dance in my ears.. and I just.. wanted to be in these moments forever.

I might get a lil shook when a beaver splashes in the water at 2am, but other than that, I'm a great time. Can I housesit your cabin for you?! Need myself a little weekend getaway, life goals, for sure.

Thanks, summer. You've been great.

TUNE.

Let me get something out in the open, I am a hip hop enthusiast ALWAYS, but I dip my hand in other genres A LOT. Now when hip hop people tell me they don't like house music, I'm like.. um.. do you like Kaytranada? Childish Gambino? KANYE?!!?!!!

That's what I thought. Get your learned on.





Can always count on Eton Messy for blessing us with the tunes. WOWHOWHOW. HOLD THE PHOONEEE AND LISTEN RIGHT THE FUCK UP. Loud loud loud.

"Um Botch, I did not see you at MEME". Um, yes I know I am very sick. Puking out my guts and getting cuddled by my mom so, just gonna have to listen to this and cry! It's cool, it's cool, it's cool.

TAKE ME TO THE MOON.

Still out here.

THE CURSE OF THE BLOGGER.

For 14 years I've been putting my life on the internet. Halt. I have definitely slowed down from such the past few years. I have many reasons.

People became too invested in my life. I say that with the least amount of arrogance possible. It actually wasn't even my life, it was in breaking my life. Everyone loves a gossip. Words I said would turn into things that weren't and people then turned into things that were.

Alex and I had a very hard time with the internet goons breathing down our backs. Watching our every move. We still do. I always knew that letting people in would be testing. However, I always thought that by letting people in, they would see me for what I was. That wasn't the case. No matter what you write, it can always be read differently. In turn, the person is read differently.

I've only ever written to document things that I felt I wanted to look back on. I wanted to write my name in cement and come back to the block years later, remembering the feeling of rebellion. Welp, I've never *actually* written my name in cement. I had the chance once, but chickened out. So, instead.. I blogged.

I find myself often facing this battle between rule breaking and rule obeying. For instance, at a pizza place the other day I brought the parmesan shaker to my table, quickly poured parm on my pizza and then ran back to bring the shaker to the counter because of the worry over a sign that said, "Please do not take shakers to table, they're for everyone to share!". There. Were. No. Other. Customers. In. The. Store. ..BUT STILL, I ran - in fear of the paper sign that told me I was rebelling. I've been the last to sneak into shows behind groups of friends, second guessing myself, and being the only one to get caught because I'm literally too slow due to second guessing and missing the door of opportunity. I've also been the one to convince people that climbing this fire escape to star gaze for a few hours was a good idea. I've had the courage to run backstage in attempts to meet inspiring musicians as soon as security turned for half a second.

.. but the internet?! Damn. What exactly are the rules here?!

For a time, I've sang vocabulary blog entries on heartbreak, love, loss and whatever I thought was revolving or destroying my tiny world. I'm trying to find a balance now between finding what's worth sharing, and what's worth keeping, mine. Not to say that blogging is no longer special to me. It really truly is. A lot of the time when I think of writing a post, my intent is to write a five sentence quick lil' blurb, as such was my intent tonight.. then we just go on and on, without editing! I'm sorry. Blogging obviously, truly, is so important to me. And right now, I truly have such special people in my life.. and they're mine. I'm going to scream it out to the world one day. Security's still watching me though, so I'd prefer to keep my private life, private.

The posts that often find their way to length usually sound off with, "Focusing on being better", or something silly like that.. and I hate to run the cliche.. but that's exactly what it is. There are parts of my life that are falling apart right now and there are parts that are really great. I've spent wayyyy too much money lately, so I'm just working on you know, working. On myself, on my career.

Sometimes you just gotta live it. And sometimes, you just gotta leave a person alone! Geezeeeee.

So if you were looking for a quick little summer update, um.. summer was weird, I'm shocked it's over. It kinda sucked at times. Whatever, I'm the Sad Girls Club President, but I for sure had a few good times. Is that enough?! I'll debate at some point whether I feel like giving more details, or maybe you won't hear from me until December! Who really knows?!

Thank you though, for the anonymous concern. The anonymous hate. We couldn't do it without you. Love you, bye.

LITTLE LIFE CURVE BALLS

Life throwing some crazy shade as of late. My garage was broken into. Again. My laptop keyboard isn't working. I'm straight up using a clickable keyboard app rn. My washing machine just broke and flooded my house. I mean if anyone was ever considering being financially dominated by me, or donating to some strange girl on the internet, now would be the perfect time. WHAT IS GOING ON?! Send life help. Send monies. Send booze. I really want to write a long rant, but I can't even bring myself to do that because clicking this stupid keyboard is taking forever.. heeeelllppppppppp mmmmmmeeeeeeee

This is truly no good for my panic attacks lemme telllll yoouuuu

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TIPS ON THE SAD.

Oh, hi there. I'm generally a very sad person. Which is crazy right?! Sure, sure. I do things, I go out and laugh, but a lot of the time, I'm screaming on the inside.. and after all of it, I usually go home and cry. Not all days are terribly sad, not all days are terribly good. However, for me, there are certain things that help contribute to which way my emotional strings will be pulled.

"ARE YOU OKAY?"

My least favorite. I HATE IT. People ask me this all the freaking time, and I can't stand it. There is nothing worse than being in a social environment, especially when you're having a great day, and someone asking, "You okay?". Ugh, yes. I mean, I was, now I'm just going over a billion situations in my head as to why you would ask me that. Do I look sad?! Am I acting weird? Should I be smiling more? I'm a people watcher. I like getting to places and observing, sometimes interaction is very little for me, despite me being somewhat of a social person. Plus, even if I'm feeling down, this question really doesn't really make me feel like opening up. It feels like a non-considerate pry. I know the intention may be good, but I'd prefer..

RECOGNIZING EMOTION

.. and you've already half way done it! I'm very picky with the people who I open up to, generally I tend to write more. Alors, when I do choose to share my sadness, it's nice to get some assurance. For instance, I was feeling really down about my Dad yesterday, and a friend who saw my instagram post, called me and said, "I'm sorry today is a rough one for you. If you're up for it, I'd love to hear what your Dad's faves were? What'd he like to eat?". UGH! Let's break that down. First, telling me my sadness is okay with, "I'm sorry today is a rough one for you". This validates my emotion. Next, "If you're up for it, I'd love to hear what your Dad's faves were..".  That, gave me the choice. The choice to choose whether I wanted to share a story or not.. and next, asking me to talk about my Dad. Sometimes when people ask me, "What's wrong?", I get so flustered because I don't know where to start. By asking for a specific something about my Dad, I wanted to talk about it, and I didn't even have to think. It also brought up positive memory, Dad LOVED T-bone steak.

DO NOT TURN THE STORY INTO YOUR OWN

I had a conversation a few weeks ago, where the person asked why I was sad (ugh) and when I answered that it was just a general sad day, they started talking about how I'm such a happy person, and they admired how happy I was when they were feeling shitty, which turned into how much of a worse time they're having, and how horrible things are for them. Trying to out-shine people is never a good conversation. WAIT. FOR. YOUR. TURN. I believe it's fine to share that you had similar experiences in dialogue, but you should never take over and story dump.

IMMEDIATE JOKES

They aren't for everyone. The meme can wait for an appropriate time. I love a good YouTube/meme, but at these times, they make me feel like you're not hearing what I'm saying, and you're not understanding what I'm trying to say.. which brings me to..

UNDERSTANDING

If you're not understanding, that's okay! Say so. I feel like I would be okay with someone saying something like, "I'm not sure I'm understanding what you mean by that, could you explain it a little more?".

HUG - sometimes

This is a *tricky* one for me. Sometimes an arm around the shoulder is nice, and sometimes hugs are nice, but it depends on the situation. I'd say go for it, but only if you have a good read and feel it's appropriate. Personally, I wouldn't be offended if someone asked me if I would like a hug, either. Body language is a good tell, too. If I feel a little stiff, it might be me a little uncomfortable. If my physical affection is shared, reciprocate.

PLAN

Offer more time. "Is there anything else you'd like to talk about", "Would you want to finish this conversation tomorrow", etc. An important close. Let the sadness run. It's just a bad meal I have to finish. Asking me if I have any ideas on solutions, and offering solutions is empathetic and I adore it, but I don't always need it. Just knowing someone is around is great.

This might not ring true for everyone, but it definitely does for me. What do you like when you're sad? I appreciate, specific questions, recognizing my sadness, validating my emotion, listening and responsive ideas on resolution. People are too fixated on *fixing* me. You don't have to! I'm not broken. I'm a human. I need to cry, and when I'm told to "stop crying", it makes me feel like I'm being wrong for being sad, and I don't believe in that. I don't have to be "cheered" up. Just because I'm sad doesn't mean I have to change right in that moment :) I'm honestly okay with being sad more than ever, and all of the above mentioned are contributing factors. So thank you to everyone who has done so for me. Love you all, byyyyyyyyyeeeeee. Sad girls club, wut.

..BUT SWEETER

Bless up, Kim K for sharing this gem on her Snapchat today.

Can you imagine if we all had music videos to timeline the times of our life? But nah, here we are. With our blogs and Instagrams. C'est la vie, non?

Whenever people ask me why I'm snapchatting or whatever now, I'm straight up going to say, Kim K, thanks for the memories.

Look it up, boy.

JEALOUSY WILL BE WASHED OVER.

Forever a fave. Soo beauutifuuuuul.

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM..

It's weird how I've been watching the Humble video for two weeks straight.. everything was being shit so this came at the perfect time.

Yes, hi, Kendrick, it's me Botch, thank you.



I CAN'T...!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean.. Damn.

I'M SORRY, YOU'RE EXPIRED.

It's kind of ridiculous how clubs don't take expired ID. I don't understand it. Can some club owner out there explain this to me? So here's the thing - our driver's licenses get scanned, and they tell the "bouncer" that our license is expired. They don't let you in. HOWEVER, this is STILL identification. Isn't the whole point of ID just to prove that you're old enough to drink alcoholic bevvies? So fuck, you miss a payment, or your license is suspended, AND NOW YOU CAN'T EVEN DRINK ABOUT IT?

It's almost as bad as the hoops people have to jump through to get a paycheck while on stress leave. You take an absence from work, because you're stressed out, your benefits pay you.. but not right away. You have to go to a bunch of different offices, your doctor, your insurance company, they have to fax, you have to fill out form 24A section 6, you have to call your bank, bring the paperwork to your employer, bring your employer's paperwork to your insurance company, get your insurance company to fax your doctor to get a signature.. don't ever go on stress leave, you'll end up more stressed than you were.

I don't mean to rant, so let me get positive for a second.. it's supposed to snow :)

Love ya, bye.

YUP.

Let's face it. She a queen.

ALL OF THE THINGS.

I met a guy who lived on an off-the-grid community. They own about 118 acres and there's about 12 of them. Almost completely. Off the grid. Like, I met him at a party and he had to rush home the next day because he had to put wood in his wood-stove so his house didn't freeze. Off the grid. Like, he pickles and freezes his food so it lasts, the food that he grows. Off the grid. Like, doesn't own a computer or a TV or a phone. Off the grid. I actually met him at a house party that was only being heated by a fire place on one of the coldest days.. -37C. AND I was like, "This is cold". Maybe I actually don't even know what cold is at all? How different is that life? I asked him if it was hard, and he didn't really think much of it, because it was just life.. like regular life hard, but not more than that.
We had to put my cat down. It was devastating. I still wonder where his meows are. I occasionally tear up when I see a cat video or a cat picture.
I'm working my butt off. I'm staying extra time, I'm hurting, I'm so sore.
All of my friends are getting married. I'm invited to like 7 weddings right now. They're all out of town. I keep debating which ones to go to and which ones not to go to. It's hard to pick and choose. I want to be at all of them but it's just financially draining. I took a quiz today that is supposed to help you decide which weddings to go to and which ones not to go to. It was.. successful! It totally made me weed out a bunch, except.. I don't fully know how to follow through with that. I always want to say yes to everyone.. but I'm trying to save up hard for a future.. or something adult like that. Don't praise me yet - I'm moving at the rate of a dizzy 2 year old blind folded trying to pin the tail on a donkey. I have no idea what I'm doing.
I turn 30 next year. I'd really like to go on a solo trip for my 30th.
I honestly am trying to build myself up and have been selfishly ignoring calls and texts. Some of that seems okay to me. Part of that is anxiety.
I had my first ever panic attack! I've had 2 now. I always thought the ones I've had prior to these 2 were real. Um. Yes. I. Was. Wrong. These two were insane. My first one happened at around 2am, and I immediately called my mom, who explained to me, that yes, this was indeed, a panic attack. It was not fun. My second one came a week later. I thought someone had died - even though no one had died. That's how panicked I was. This immense sense of worry. The puke cry. The heart pounding through your chest. Unable to find a breath and searching aimlessly. This is a thing now I guess?
I thought about fighting a girl this weekend and stopped myself. I left. I immediately left that social situation. That isn't me anymore. I no longer believe in any forms of violence and as soon as I felt that part of me building up I got the fuck out of there. My mind terrifies me sometimes but I'm working on it.
It's disgusting outside and there's nowhere to walk.
I'm poor and need money.



Send beer, bye.

Thoughts with BPM.

BPM was such a remarkable experience for me. There is such a close-knit sense of community that follows this festival, and everyone seems to be there for the music. When I heard about the shooting that happened last night, I was beyond disbelief. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? At truly one of the most loving festivals where everyone gets along? I remember waiting for a while as my bags were searched before entering *most* venues but I imagine security will get a lot tighter. Truly saddened for the 5 who lost their lives, as well as the 15 injured, and so thankful friends who went are okay.
Things like this should not be happening. It is so scary to think that these happy times can change so quickly. Blue Parrot holds such good memories for me, and now for others - the memories are so tragic.

Beyond devastated, I hope everyone affected by this finds their peace. Love to the BPM community.

29.

Still a baddie doe.

OH HEY.

I'm 29. Where did that come from?
How did we get here?
My birthday always comes with the "excitement" of the new year, because it's.. at the beginning of the new year. The feelings are always fumbly. I've never really liked New Year's. It's expensive, it's usually shitty, and the ball gowns and champagne are usually filled with too much money spent and cheap ambiance smelling of low grade alcohol that is somehow selling for $12 a glass. I also usually lose something.. and occasionally cry.

Anyway. That part is *somewhat* over, and now we're here, at January 4th. I'd like to join the hate wagon for 2016, and that is generally where I usually find myself - "Man, this year sucked". We all do that, don't we? We try to shit on the last year in hopes that it will feed our energy for the next one. HELL YA THIS IS GONNA BE MY YEAR. Ha. My thoughts are bouncing. I feel like I still don't have my shit together. So, in order to cover up what could be detrimental to my feel good at 29 birthday party (sitting on my couch sifting through rap music), here are a bunch of things I'm thankful for:

• Changed the blog layout. WE DID IT.
• New York - twice. Attended a warehouse party in Brooklyn which changed my life. Made new connections and immersed myself in old ones. 
• Toronto - forever my second home. Islands, walks, beaches, shops, AND ALL OF THE NAPS.
• Victoria - first time! A ton of hiking, a ton of forests, and visiting my grandma's home - ugh. She had all these amazing toys from her childhood that I could appreciate better as an adult. She had pictures of family I hadn't seen or maybe forgotten. What a way to paint memories. 
• Mexico - more hikes and forests! Kayaking, food, music, and family.
• Beat my blog posts from 2015! By one entry!
• I fully paid off my driver's licence. Hell ya.
• I went to counselling. It was helpful.
• I rowed in the dragon boat competition with such a fun group, and we placed well! We improved over and over again and it was brilliant.
• I completed Mud Hero! A marathon with obstacle courses that was ridiculously fun. I took two girls with me and we kicked ass.
• Threw a masquerade fundraiser with a team of phenom people. We worked hard for a few months and were able to pull in a bunch of performers and it was a great success.
• Held a successful project of random acts kindness, where we were able to distribute 3,500+ gifts to random strangers.

So.. good things did happen. I don't like resolutions because they terrify me. The thought of failing myself is too big to handle. I'd *like* to find motivation to blog more. I'd *like* to take more photos, take more videos. I'd *like* to attend a music festival. I'd *like* to take a hike with my boyfriend. I'd *like* to improve my home and organize my chaos into something more manageable. 

Those things would be nice. Last year to say I'm in my twenties. First year to really do shit.

Let's get thankful.