THE CURSE OF THE BLOGGER.

For 14 years I've been putting my life on the internet. Halt. I have definitely slowed down from such the past few years. I have many reasons.

People became too invested in my life. I say that with the least amount of arrogance possible. It actually wasn't even my life, it was in breaking my life. Everyone loves a gossip. Words I said would turn into things that weren't and people then turned into things that were.

Alex and I had a very hard time with the internet goons breathing down our backs. Watching our every move. We still do. I always knew that letting people in would be testing. However, I always thought that by letting people in, they would see me for what I was. That wasn't the case. No matter what you write, it can always be read differently. In turn, the person is read differently.

I've only ever written to document things that I felt I wanted to look back on. I wanted to write my name in cement and come back to the block years later, remembering the feeling of rebellion. Welp, I've never *actually* written my name in cement. I had the chance once, but chickened out. So, instead.. I blogged.

I find myself often facing this battle between rule breaking and rule obeying. For instance, at a pizza place the other day I brought the parmesan shaker to my table, quickly poured parm on my pizza and then ran back to bring the shaker to the counter because of the worry over a sign that said, "Please do not take shakers to table, they're for everyone to share!". There. Were. No. Other. Customers. In. The. Store. ..BUT STILL, I ran - in fear of the paper sign that told me I was rebelling. I've been the last to sneak into shows behind groups of friends, second guessing myself, and being the only one to get caught because I'm literally too slow due to second guessing and missing the door of opportunity. I've also been the one to convince people that climbing this fire escape to star gaze for a few hours was a good idea. I've had the courage to run backstage in attempts to meet inspiring musicians as soon as security turned for half a second.

.. but the internet?! Damn. What exactly are the rules here?!

For a time, I've sang vocabulary blog entries on heartbreak, love, loss and whatever I thought was revolving or destroying my tiny world. I'm trying to find a balance now between finding what's worth sharing, and what's worth keeping, mine. Not to say that blogging is no longer special to me. It really truly is. A lot of the time when I think of writing a post, my intent is to write a five sentence quick lil' blurb, as such was my intent tonight.. then we just go on and on, without editing! I'm sorry. Blogging obviously, truly, is so important to me. And right now, I truly have such special people in my life.. and they're mine. I'm going to scream it out to the world one day. Security's still watching me though, so I'd prefer to keep my private life, private.

The posts that often find their way to length usually sound off with, "Focusing on being better", or something silly like that.. and I hate to run the cliche.. but that's exactly what it is. There are parts of my life that are falling apart right now and there are parts that are really great. I've spent wayyyy too much money lately, so I'm just working on you know, working. On myself, on my career.

Sometimes you just gotta live it. And sometimes, you just gotta leave a person alone! Geezeeeee.

So if you were looking for a quick little summer update, um.. summer was weird, I'm shocked it's over. It kinda sucked at times. Whatever, I'm the Sad Girls Club President, but I for sure had a few good times. Is that enough?! I'll debate at some point whether I feel like giving more details, or maybe you won't hear from me until December! Who really knows?!

Thank you though, for the anonymous concern. The anonymous hate. We couldn't do it without you. Love you, bye.