STUFFZ.

My computer won't read my memory card.
Coachella pictures are taking longer to upload than Lupe's album
That joke sucked, my apologies.
I mowed my lawn, my neighbor wins.
Maybe since he loves mowing lawns so much, he should just mow mine.
It was fucking hot out today.
Have you guys listened to Fiona Apple yet? I like her a lot.
I could listen to Climax for a really long time.
The new Hypetrak is so ugly.
UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Blah.
I wish my friends would have a BBQ.. with veggie burgers.
Hey guys remember when we'd stay up real late and go to work the next day?!
Yeah. Those were the days. I got like 12 hours of sleep last night and still felt haggered.
It's funny how that works though. Week days I need my sleep.
Weekends, I can party til 6 in the morning and work at 8 in the morning. HOW!
Alex got a hell of a lot better at scrabble, you guys. He's all about the double word.
I miss Perla. I wish she was here with mango four loko and we were jumping all night.
My life vacation ends in two months. I am not looking forward to it.
I'm super nervous because I'm already exhausted like.. all the time.


Hi. It's Thursday.

IT'S BEEN AWHILE..

The wine and beer are starting to sink in and so are my emotions. I forgot my purse. Dammit! I'm about to get my sleep on to my fullest potential, but before I do.. Lemme just say tonight was all sorts of.. Well, it held a lot of crying, but a slight tug on the rope of moving forward. I just needed that seven minutes of silence and a cigarette to myself. Crying til you can barely breathe really lets you reflect on what's important.

I love my cousin, a lot. I love my entire family, a lot. I'm really fucking stupid annoyingly bummed that I don't get to see one on the daily. That fucking sucks. Especially with the fact, that I saw him so much it made me sick sometimes. I'd give anything for one more day. I can't get that. So now.. with all of that being pushed into reality, I am going to say this.. I am so thankful for what I have. And I'll hold the simplest moments closer for the rest of my life.

So, fuck.
Fuck the booze that's been making me make poor decisions, and falls to the ground. Fuck the people asking me what happened. Fuck not having a cell phone. Fuck Tyler Durden. Fuck ex-boyfriends trying to contact me. Fuck all of that.
I have more than what I need, and although he isn't here, I am going to make sure that I live the rest of my life as if he is. Even better, I'm going to live a portion of it for him. CHIN UP. TEARS WIPED.

I have the illest family on the fucking block, son.
Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

SUNDAY NOT SO FUNDAY.

Sunday family dinners just aren't the same without you, cuz. I still find myself packing extra turkey for ya in my take-out box. This weekend held for a lot of beer, a lot of tears, but a lot of laughs too. Even without a cell phone, I can certainly count on the people who matter most to find me.. and that screams special.

Thanks.

And to everyone who hates me right now, well.. I've got nothing for ya. Continue to pick your reasons. I'm still here.

I'm meeting a lot of new people, and having a glorious time with my usuals.
Phasing in and out between crying like a basket case and laughing my ass off. Now I know that it might be a little tired, but for me.. I think I'm doing a lot better.. Actually, I want to refrain from saying the word "better". Let's just say I'm grasping the rope a little tighter.

Time to hit the books with a glass of wine.

Love. Xoxox.

STUFF.

When I say life has been hectic lately, I mean... life has been hectic. I wish there was a more hectic word for hectic. Anyway.. I really can't keep up with shit, so I'm trying to do that now. I don't even know why I'm writing this entry, I have no idea where to go with it..

Ummmmmmmm.. I'm working on shit. Tears and laughter all over the place included! Get yours now!

Emotional time bomb at your service..!!

OH, IT'S TUESDAY.

Which I've chosen to re-name, "I don't give a fuck" day.

Never let your audience see you sweat.
You're either the last one standing, or the last one to fall.
Stick with who stuck by you.

And for now, for a couple hours, for tomorrow, for forever, stay the fuck up.

Tunechi.

BLAME IT ON MY A.D.D., BABY.

I'm the kind of person who stands in line, and if that line isn't moving forward, I'll go into another one. However, once I get in that "new" line, I realize the line isn't new at all, I've already tried that one! What's worse? That the line I left is now moving forward.
I'm a fucking train wreck, and the outlets I chose to relay my emotions weren't the best ones. In fact, they were the worst ones. I'm not saying I hate myself for it, I'm saying I did wrong, I know I did wrong, and now I have to do right. I turned into something that wasn't me this weekend. I have never ever ever in my entire life regretted choices I have made. I've already conjured up all the excuses in the book to take my guilt away. Shit is a novel. Reality of it, I can't take shit that I've said or done back. It's over, it happened. All I can do is apologize. I just need to take all the things I'm feeling and transfer them to more positive outlets. The way I've been doing for 24 years.
Sooooo.. now what? Now. I try another line.. and if it isn't moving forward, I need to be patient, respect myself, respect my choices and do nothing but right. Not for anyone else, either. I need to focus on myself. I was told today by a very wise lady, "Your moral compass has always been on point. You don't fuck up, you just don't." THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE. That shit right there.

I won't let a few bad actions define me. I do a lot of good for myself and others. A LOT. I will continue to focus on that for now.. it's all I got, man. My words, and my soul. A few demons have slipped past me, but once you've reached your bottom, you can only go up. I can only move forward. Stay tuned.

GET BACK, GET DOWN, PULL ME CLOSER IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HANG.

HAAHHWOOWWZAAHH.

I've received a writing offer. A paid writing offer. I don't want to say more than that, because I don't know what I'm going to do with it. My words have been used before (even stolen, wahhhh), in press write ups, and once for a gallery opening.. but other than that, everything I've ever written has been personal. I was told the other day, "You have a spark when you write, I get nervous that if you were to choose to write for a company, you'd lose that.". I dream big. I always have. When given the push/nudge/help though, that I always scream for, I tend to stray away from it. I always get nervous about not being good enough. About being criticized.
I think that being terrified of professional writing is proper when everything you've ever written has been personal. Aside from the press write up and gallery opening, my only boss.. and by boss, I mean the only person I've ever had to please, has been myself. And who am I!? I see a pretty ass bird or a rainbow and my happy continues for days. Weeks, even.
My biggest fear, has, and always will be, myself. I conjure up these thoughts of bad "what if"'s. I can't help it. My mind literally digs up the worst possible scenario, and convinces me that it's the only possible outcome. I have people saying the most ominous things about me, and I drive toward the opposite direction. NOW. The irony in all of this, is I do this because of my limited list of used works.. but the only way I could make that list longer, is by shutting fear out and stepping forward. OR, maybe not shutting fear out, but overcoming it. Damn this scatter brain!
I still want to do a few entries on Anthony. I think about them a lot, but haven't took them to a keyboard yet. I think that also holds hands with the fact that I haven't been able to listen to his albums. Nor have I gone through a pile of things he's given me. Nor have I listened to his tribute shows. Nor have I read his article completely. Nor have I.. the list goes on. I'm not in a place to do that.. yet. And, I want to be.
I'm busy as fuck, and took everything I have to do and buried it in my bag somewhere. Forms to fill, places to go, people to see, bills to pay, deadlines to make, things to study, whistles to blow. Taking a leap has never been this difficult for me, I'm fucking trying though. Although, my efforts aren't as great as they could be. I haven't completely dedicated my time.. but FUCK. I haven't had a fucking break in months. A few hours of vegetable are needed. I can't even begin to process where I should begin. Who I should run to. Where I should.. fuuucckkkkk. I'm not angry, just over-whelmed.
Cappucinnos, rain, Awolnation, and small sentences. There are few people who step into your lives and give you moments of nothing that become the best somethings. Rain hitting the dashboard has never sounded so lovely. Has it? Maybe I'm just hearing it better. Bezzies. How did I get to be that lucky?! Never ever do I take these things for granted, never.
Hi Alex. Hi Perla. Hi Kim. Hi Bonibelle. Hi blog readers. Thanks for giving me everything you have. I fucking promise each of you, you give me way more than you know. I hope to spend my entire life proving that to you. World domination, one small fear face at a time.

"THE WAY YOU WRITE IS SO DESCRIPTIVE, IT'S LIKE YOU TAKE ME THERE.. LIKE YOU PAINT A PICTURE. A KODAK MOMENT.. BETTER THAN THAT."

- TEEJ.

SAID IT'D BE ALRIGHT.. BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW.

Smoke. Coffee. Lex. Teej. Bonibelle. Tina. Eliza. Colin. Maribeth. Kaitlin. Kalliane. Niki. Perla. Meaghan. Bianca. Amber. Richard. Bex. Manna. My brother. My sister. Mom. Beer. Wine. Jamie. Brian. Esco. Beer. Cousins. Family. The Albert. Vodka. Take-out. Symphonies. Music. Hip hop. Death Cab. Oliver Tank. Text messages. Phone calls. Notebooks. Pillows. Sunglasses. Tears. Belmonts. Movies. Youtube. Sweatpants. Lipstick. Hot showers. Car rides. City lights. Airplanes. Backpacks. Puddles. Rain boots. Sneakers. Boat shoes. Dreams. Blurry moments. Whispers. Pets. Heels. Jewellery. Credit card. Canada. Waterfalls. Letters. College. Sleep. Tub. The Foreign Exchange. Loud speakers. Winnipeg. Toronto. Montreal. Flowers. Niagra. Books. Authors. Soups. Tea. Honey. Kind strangers. Thesaurus. English. Compliments. Fireworks. Long nights. Early mornings. Support. Hugs. Kuya Anthony.



.. thank you.

GOOD VALUES AND WARM WISHES.

Live your life, enjoy it, do what you can to make it better, change what needs to be changed, learn more, read more, treat yourself, discipline yourself, smile, laugh, take the weird, indulge, conquer, balance the good, balance the rough, learn to move forward, dance, sing, listen, shout, remember what's behind you, stand up tall, get warm, get cozy, appreciate it, smell fresh air, tell them you love them, have a 'just because' day, take walks, look out your window even when it isn't scenic, and most importantly.. stay up.

Happy Holidays. I love you all, and am really excited to give back this year, alongside the people that mean the most to me. Miss you, dad. Xo.