I'M SORRY, YOU'RE EXPIRED.

It's kind of ridiculous how clubs don't take expired ID. I don't understand it. Can some club owner out there explain this to me? So here's the thing - our driver's licenses get scanned, and they tell the "bouncer" that our license is expired. They don't let you in. HOWEVER, this is STILL identification. Isn't the whole point of ID just to prove that you're old enough to drink alcoholic bevvies? So fuck, you miss a payment, or your license is suspended, AND NOW YOU CAN'T EVEN DRINK ABOUT IT?

It's almost as bad as the hoops people have to jump through to get a paycheck while on stress leave. You take an absence from work, because you're stressed out, your benefits pay you.. but not right away. You have to go to a bunch of different offices, your doctor, your insurance company, they have to fax, you have to fill out form 24A section 6, you have to call your bank, bring the paperwork to your employer, bring your employer's paperwork to your insurance company, get your insurance company to fax your doctor to get a signature.. don't ever go on stress leave, you'll end up more stressed than you were.

I don't mean to rant, so let me get positive for a second.. it's supposed to snow :)

Love ya, bye.

THE FAVOR MONSTER.

I have this huge issue with people who ask for handouts all the time. Especially when they get pissy when you say "no" one time. Friendship is so easy. It's fun, it's timeless, it's hilarious, and if it isn't, then it's time to re-evaluate. If you get upset when someone doesn't say "yes" to your favor, look at yourself. Do you ask people to do things all the time?! Do you need help moving? Do you need to borrow a few bucks?! Are you cleaning out your garage?! Do you need a ride?! Installing a new entertainment unit?! BUT CAN'T FIND HELP ANYWHERE?! WELL CONGRATULATIONS! You just won the title of the "FAVOR MONSTER"! Your prize includes an all-inclusive stay at being an asshole and having no friends forever!

Seriously. If you find yourself in a hole, you shouldn't have to beg for it. Shit, you should even have people offering you a helping hand without you asking! If you don't, it's because you're a prick.

How about a slice of pizza or a "thank you" for fucking once?! Gawd.
I give my help to those that deserve it and are there for me, you can move on with your favors, I am not answering.

THE SUPPLY OF BAD QUOTES NEVER RUNS OUT.

I was just on Facebook and this girl posted a picture of a shitty burned scroll with text of the following quote: "Tattoos are like stories, they symbolize important parts of your life".

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

WAIT! It gets better! Two people actually "liked" this bull shit timeline photo. I just realized I said a couple of posts ago I was trying to gossip less, does this count as gossip?! UGH FUCK I CAN'T HELP IT.

These simple-minded fucks are just too dumb for me. Like, REALLY, worst simile of all time. Also, did this piece of shit scroll illustration really hit you? Really inspire you to go, "Yeah *smiles* tattoos really are, I need to share this"?! Most tattoos are crap, or jokes, or yes they do mean something, but that quote does not represent anything remotely close to inspirational or moving.

So with that being said, here's a list of shitty quotes I'm making up. If you guys know of any illustrators to make these pieces of crap go viral, let's all contribute to making the internet worse. I mean, fuck, everyone else is doing it.

"Sometimes, break-ups hurt, but so do knee scrapes, and we get over those."

"Today might be cloudy, but the sun is somewhere."

"Friends are like popsicles, they're good."

"Puppies are best friends to humans because they have puppy hearts."

"You have to bake the cake before you eat it. Life."

"Trust is like paper, once it's ripped, it's ripped."

Do you have any shitty quotes to share?! Let's all laugh together!

5 FACEBOOK PET PEEVES.

Well. You've done it. You've logged into Facebook. What were you thinking?! Get out of there. Now you're going to be overwhelmed with inspirational quotes and memes that are nowhere near funny. Oh, Facebook. Dear, Facebook. Where you get invited to things you don't care about and block applications like they're software updates.
Facebook. The number one website in the world that helps you to "stay connected". It does a good job of that. I won't deny it. However, the swamp effect is a little un-bearable. The swamp effect. That's what I call it. Here's a list of 5 Facebook pet peeves that drive me crazy.

1. THE STATUS UPDATER
"What a nice day outside!", "Going for a walk.", "Omg so tired!", "Having dinner, then going to bed". OH, WOW. Thank you. My day certainly was not going good until THIS happened! Thank you so much!

2. THE GYM RAT
These ones. These ones. Check in at the gym. Updated status: "Make time, no excuses". Mobile photo of their protein shake. Gym quote. HOLY, FUCKING, SHIT. We get it. I completely encourage people to better themselves but if you're needing all types of attention from it, it's annoying, and we end up deleting you. Then you'll be getting a lot less "likes", bro.

3. KIDS/ANIMALS
Oh, that's your kid eating, cute:) Oh you're kid sleeping, cute:) Okay, your kid in a new shirt. Okay, kid watching tv. Kid sitting. Kid standing. Omg, you've posted 46 pictures of your kid in one day. Not much has changed. Replace "kid" with any "pet", this can go both ways.

4. EVERY SINGLE INTERNET MEME/INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE EVER
If you're showing me 10 memes per day, chances are, they aren't all funny. Don't TRY to succeed, man. "Oh this is kind of cool". NO! Kind of cool, you glance over. Share the things that FLOOR you. THAT ARE AN ABSOLUTE MUST. The inspirational quote doesn't help you none either.

5. ATTENTION CRIES:(
These statuses: "Don't even want to talk about it :(", "This is the fucking worst :(". OH THESE CLIFFHANGERS! The statuses that are just begging for someone to comment "What's wrong, hun?!". UGH. I wish all these emo fucking fucks would get blogs.

IN SUMMARY: Facebook should be: WHAT YOU WOULD TALK ABOUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY. It is conversation, it is your life. If you would bring all of these things up, then fine, go ahead. Your friends/family are probably used to your annoying self already.. but if you would not, refrain. Hold back a little. Our timelines are hard to catch up on with the swamp effect. Chill yo, chill.

What's your biggest Facebook pet peeve?!

HOW THE FUCKY?!

A mandatory class. A mandatory class which you essentially need to complete the semester. A one time class. Five hours of your life. The class is on October 24, 2012. Your semester ends November 5, 2012. Fucking sounds easy as shit, right?
Your class is cancelled. They tell you five hours before you have the class to make sure you can't get into the others because they're all full.

I'll tell you what that is! TONS OF FUN. It's also kind of wack.

So should I just drop out now, or walk out wih my pants down, my hands in the air, asking, "WHO WANT IT!"?

WORST.

Having the most terrible day ever, might I quickly add before I head out the door. I have to get this quick rant in so I can actually breathe tonight. Didn't get the placement I wanted, got told I was trying to make myself something I'm not, CRANKY as fuckskies, my phone battery broke, told I was dressed inappropriately, a 92% final grade in a class is no good to my Asian mother (I don't even study mom, cut me a break!), criticized for being a vegetarian today, dunno why my blog html is getting all fucky, out of smokes, lost $40.00, missing a lot of my friends. LOVELY LONER BOTCHEEZY WHO CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE WHAT'S ON HER PLATE RIGHT NOW. HAND ME A PILLOW TO SCREAM IN, PLEASE.

Hi. Heading to rum paradise now. Oh, alcohol. You silly, silly, terrible, lovely, so yum yum, vice.

Have a good weekend, as I attempt to let my week go, I wish you adieu.

Wrote this in five. Enjoy.

DEAR FACEBOOK TIMELINE,

Hey, timeline. You're un-organized. People can see all my embarrassing moments from the past, they're supposed to work for that. Your boxes don't even line up. My eyes don't know where to look. You probably have no friends. Everyone probably hates you. When you show up to a party, people say, "Fuck, Timeline's here. I'm out.". You probably have a messy room, with a mess that's not even cool. It's probably just receipts and wrappers from un-cool things. You probably listen to Nickelback.

OMYFREAKINGLANTA.

I AM SO FUCKING BEHIND. You know, I figured if I did like a little every day, I wouldn't be in this situation. EH. WRONG. I am fucking behind. I have shit to mail, stories to edit, walls to paint, clothes to pack, pillows to cry on.. BASICALLY. I am not going to get everything done by my deadline, even if I stay up all night.. which is my exact plan.
Yes, we are planning an all-nighter. Should we add in the following factors, work at 8am, and leaving the city at 6pm. Yeah. Why not. Let's just add those in to make it all a little more exciting. WHY OH WHY DID I SAY YES TO SO MANY THINGS?! Why oh why did I party so much?! Oh yeah. 'Cause it's fun.
Whatever, I brought this all upon myself, blah blah yeah, save your lectures people! This is my blog and I complain however the fuck I want! YEAH. OKAY. LET'S CRY NOW.

TASK NUMBER ONE: Organize your billion tasks.

I held back in calling myself a dumb fuck a lot in this post. Yay.

BLAME IT ON MY A.D.D., BABY.

I'm the kind of person who stands in line, and if that line isn't moving forward, I'll go into another one. However, once I get in that "new" line, I realize the line isn't new at all, I've already tried that one! What's worse? That the line I left is now moving forward.
I'm a fucking train wreck, and the outlets I chose to relay my emotions weren't the best ones. In fact, they were the worst ones. I'm not saying I hate myself for it, I'm saying I did wrong, I know I did wrong, and now I have to do right. I turned into something that wasn't me this weekend. I have never ever ever in my entire life regretted choices I have made. I've already conjured up all the excuses in the book to take my guilt away. Shit is a novel. Reality of it, I can't take shit that I've said or done back. It's over, it happened. All I can do is apologize. I just need to take all the things I'm feeling and transfer them to more positive outlets. The way I've been doing for 24 years.
Sooooo.. now what? Now. I try another line.. and if it isn't moving forward, I need to be patient, respect myself, respect my choices and do nothing but right. Not for anyone else, either. I need to focus on myself. I was told today by a very wise lady, "Your moral compass has always been on point. You don't fuck up, you just don't." THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE. That shit right there.

I won't let a few bad actions define me. I do a lot of good for myself and others. A LOT. I will continue to focus on that for now.. it's all I got, man. My words, and my soul. A few demons have slipped past me, but once you've reached your bottom, you can only go up. I can only move forward. Stay tuned.

GET BACK, GET DOWN, PULL ME CLOSER IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HANG.

RANTRANTRANTRANT.

If you fuck with me, I'll fuck with you.. and I will go to EXTREMES to fuck with you. Making the entire world know you're an ignant son of a bitch.
I'm just saying, is all.

TODAY WAS HORRIBLE! It started out so good, then just went fucking shit! Last night was shit too. I dunno. What. The. Fuck. People are just fucking vicious. I've never made a point to be an asshole. Really, I try to be as kind as I can to everyone. Even people I dislike. I feel that being kind to someone you dislike, doesn't make you fake. It just means you're mature enough to tolerate a person so that life runs smoother. HOWEVER.. if someone were to deliberately fuck with me, I more than dislike them.. I want to ruin them and make them cry.. AND, if that opportunity arises, you can expect me to do it.

Shots fired. Don't speak up if you aren't ready to hear me speak louder.

I always win.