Monday, February 15, 2016


I always imagined myself as a roamer. I pictured myself as a successful writer, writing on a mountain, sipping a beer, admiring, thinking, living. That's not what I am right now. That's not where I am. But I'm still holding onto the fact that that's who I am.

I feel like I'm a risk taker by heart, but not by mind. I'm careful and strategic, I'm planned and organized. That's my mom. My mom has always been have a savings, pay off your shit, attain things, attain stuff. Now my dad, my dad was skiing in the winter, skydiving in the summer, drinking cocktails in the jungle, and basically.. always just working toward an adventure. I think both my parents exist in my being in some sort of way. That.. is both a gift and a curse. The gift is that I do not believe in luck, I believe in effort. The curse is that sometimes I hate how cautious I am.

The guy I dig is a nomad. He's able to pick up and leave whenever he wants. He's built himself to let go and live wherever anything takes him. I admire that sooo much. I'm almost.. jealous about it.

I've got to do more, you guys. I've got to be more. I owe myself that. I wrote in my diary at the age of 6, "I like to write". SOO.. I at least owe it to her right?! Whether that be at school, in notebooks, on napkins, or here.. I owe that to myself.. my 6 year old self.

I need to do what I want, I don't really know what I want, but that's okay. I think everyone reaches this point more than once in their life. I hit it like every week. It could be something simple like, "Tomorrow I'm going to fold my laundry". JUST DO THAT. OR DON'T SAY IT. Stop making these tiresome goals that are less. No one's encouraging you here, you need to do it yourself.

Every single trip I've been on, I've thought, "I should just stay". I've thought that. Every trip. That should say something, shouldn't it? Whether you make yourself to stray and return, or continue on adventures, you shouldn't give that up, and you should make that happen. I really don't know what's best for me, or maybe I do, but don't want to.. but if I don't find out now when will I?

I'm dedicating the next month to myself. There will be a lot of tears, and a lot of booze, and probably some mistakes.. ugh. I am not looking forward to that part. Just excuse me while I pre-cry a little bit...

Hey, Botch, what's happening? I'm not really sure but hopefully I find out soon. See you guys thereeeeee..!!!!!