GO TO THIS.

I'll be in Winnipeg for this. If you are, you should be there too.

Thank you again to everyone for their continued support. Let's do it big for the guy who deserves nothing less.

ALL THE WAY FROM TEXAS.

There aren't many things that have touched me as much as this one. There is something so surreal about having an audience that reads your words and actually feels them. There is something even more surreal about that same audience connecting to you and going out of their way to try and heal you.

Well. Let me tell you how Kim from Texas did that.

This girl wrote me the most touching, heart-warming, thoughtful card I have ever received. Along with that, she included a simply beautiful piece of jewellery. Her words stated that it was a heart so my cousin could be kept close to mine, his birthstone was also on the chain, and that the angel wing reflects him always being my angel in the sky. I cried for days. No one has ever done anything so wonderful for me. No one has ever been so thoughtful, so sweet. This is the absolutely most perfect piece of anything I have ever gotten.

For that, I shall treasure this little piece of silver for the rest of my life.

I can't say thank you enough. I really can't. If I could find some way to thank you every second for the rest of my days, it still wouldn't be enough.

My dearest Kim, thank you for being a reader. Thank you for reading. Thank you for this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You truly are one of the most treasured people to ever step into my little cyber world, and believe me when I say, you opened the door and made it a whole lot bigger. I can't wait til the day we meet. I owe you a trillion hugs.

Xoxo, all my love, Houston stand up!

NO SLEEP AND A WHOLE LOTTA HYDRO..

and by hydro, I mean coffee and energy shots.. I'm freaking exhausted. I did so much today while living like a zombie.. and I haven't packed yet. I'm not so stoked on packing, ever.. really. BUT! At long last the day has arrived! I am officially off to see some of my top favorite musicians! SBTRKT! Justice! Frank Ocean! The Weeknd! Radiohead! Santigold! Childish Gambino! Noisia! SebastiAn! Azealia Banks! Awolnation! Dj Shadow! A$ap Rocky! Should I keep gong?! Sorry. NOT SORRY! Gotye! M83! St Vincent! Zed's Dead! I .. can't.. even.

I've completely taken my focus off it considering my emotional/damaged state.. but now that the day has finally come, I am excited. I am excited I get to go with music lovers, and excited to be re-united with my love, Perla.

I know I'm still about a month behind in replying to e-mails and what not.. and I promise I will fully step up my game once I get back.. but for now, it's party time. For my cousin in the sky, and for my music loving self.

Lize, Jheff, Randy, Perla, let's go. BEW BEW BOH BEW.

GRIMES.

I swear to you, I've heard this song every day for about a month now. If it isn't randomly linked from my computer, it's playing in a store I'm shopping in. A few days ago, I thought I finally escaped. Til I heard it across the hall. It's haunting me. What's the deal with this song?! For really rill. Yeah, I said "for really rill".

SWAGGIN' GOIN' SWELL.

Life is easier when you're surrounded by good music, good people, and a lot of beer.


























Happy Birthday, bezzie.

LIKE A WILD FIRE.

Diiirrrrtttttyyyy 30. So we're here. You're 30! 30 is the new 20, so I expect nothing less of you..!

You're one of the spunkiest, wildest, biggest firecrackers to ever step into my life. Along with that though, you have a supportive shoulder for me to cry on. Which I never cry on 'cause I'm such a G. In all honesty though, I fully admire the craziness in you. It makes me laugh in pitches only dogs can hear.. and I appreciate that you've been there to tell me that everything I do is okay. I appreciate that you've never judged me, and took what I do in this world and thanked me for it. You're one of few that actually take the time to tell me how good of a job I'm doing, and you always seem to do so at the hardest moments.
So even with our stubborn-ness clashing together sometimes, I am always fully aware of one thing.. If I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, in a snowstorm, and I was drunk out of my mind and had no money.. You'd drop everything (possibly even a date with Diplo?) and come get me.. and for shit like that, I am so lucky.
When we were kids we weren't nearly as close as we are now. I think we spend more time together than we do eating and sleeping combined. Actually, we do a lot of that together too! Fine by me. Your jokes, your huge heart, your dancing, your smile.. 30 years of greatness, my lovely, let that part of you shine always. It's something we all adore and want to see for the rest of our time.

Xoxo, happy birthday.

AFTERNOONS WITH TYLER DURDEN.

Botch: "Hi, I'm here to beg for my phone back."
Tyler Durden: "Okay. So beg."
B: "Oh please oh please, fix my phone it's been a week!!"
T: "Good begging. Okay let me try some things and i'll see if that works.."
*fifteen to twenty later*
T: "Okay! So I tried some stuff.. and it didn't work!"
B: "Fun."
T: "The good news is, I found the problem.. it's your data port."
B: "..... ..... okay.. and.. then. So? ...???"
T: "It's a big job, I gotta take it apart and solder it."
B: *dies a little inside* "Okay, so when?"
T: "A couple days."
B: "I shall return, Tyler Durden, I shall return."


P.S. I think his real name is Rob.
P.P.S. Although he's mighty pleasing on the eyes, his news is never fine.
P.P.P.S. Wah :(

24 YEARS.

I got you forever, B. Don't wanna polly with us thunn, thunn. It's funny how your fave rapper is Talib, mine is Nas, yet whenever I think of us.. I think of Mobb Deep. I think it's cause of that time I dj'd your place while you made music videos. Remember to the speakers popping?! "Shorty, I'm only here for one night..", bew boh bewwwww, BEW. Uh, hi. Happy birthday. We've known each other for .. 11 years now. And hawwoww, what a ride it has been.
I know we have moments where we jump in and out of each other's lives, but this past year has been one for the record books. You, dear child of mine, have been one of the people I have grown to respect the most. You've got a strong mind, a beautiful soul, and the warmest heart. Barely ever lining up for the complaint department. AND, if I was working a job, teaching like three different classes, going to school full time, and keeping a Botch from falling apart, I dunno.. I feel like I'd have a ton of complaints. You're super mom before even becoming a super mom.

Thanks for being so awesome, dude. I love you and your face.

Happy birthday.

IT'S BEEN AWHILE..

The wine and beer are starting to sink in and so are my emotions. I forgot my purse. Dammit! I'm about to get my sleep on to my fullest potential, but before I do.. Lemme just say tonight was all sorts of.. Well, it held a lot of crying, but a slight tug on the rope of moving forward. I just needed that seven minutes of silence and a cigarette to myself. Crying til you can barely breathe really lets you reflect on what's important.

I love my cousin, a lot. I love my entire family, a lot. I'm really fucking stupid annoyingly bummed that I don't get to see one on the daily. That fucking sucks. Especially with the fact, that I saw him so much it made me sick sometimes. I'd give anything for one more day. I can't get that. So now.. with all of that being pushed into reality, I am going to say this.. I am so thankful for what I have. And I'll hold the simplest moments closer for the rest of my life.

So, fuck.
Fuck the booze that's been making me make poor decisions, and falls to the ground. Fuck the people asking me what happened. Fuck not having a cell phone. Fuck Tyler Durden. Fuck ex-boyfriends trying to contact me. Fuck all of that.
I have more than what I need, and although he isn't here, I am going to make sure that I live the rest of my life as if he is. Even better, I'm going to live a portion of it for him. CHIN UP. TEARS WIPED.

I have the illest family on the fucking block, son.
Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

"PRETTY GIRLS LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T CRY."

- ALEX R.

IT'S BEEN ..

40 days. It's been 40 days without you. In significance of that, my family is hosting a prayer to say our final goodbye. Religiously, my family believes that today is the day we set him "free". I, personally, am totes not into this whole religion thing. A lot of us younger folk aren't. I stopped going to church with my mom when I was like.. 10. I think I've only been four times since that, and two were for weddings. Or some shit like that.
Regardless of my questions and beliefs (let's never talk about religion, why do we do it?!), I know today is going to be super really crazy hard. I've been trying to avoid the thought of it all day. A coffee break earlier almost had me break down in tears, but I was with company so I held it in. You gotta be strong to keep the people around you strong. I believe in that. There's also another side of me that says I don't gotta be shit though. Like, I can be weak if I want to. Right?! Whatever. Today I agree with that half. So, at this prayer/final goodbye/Kuya's 40 days I'm not going to try to be anything. I'm going to let it all out if it comes out.

Grab your tissues guys, tonight's gonna be a doozy.

TASTE THAT LEAN WHEN YOU KISS MY MOUTH.

All I wanna do is leave cause I been zonin for a week.. and I ain't left this little room, tryin to concentrate to grieve.

Ex-man hollering, keep him out..

Just one night, I ain't trying to fuckin leave you out..

that north, north, that up top, that OVO and that XO..

TAKE ME BACK TWO MONTHS AGO.

SUNDAY NOT SO FUNDAY.

Sunday family dinners just aren't the same without you, cuz. I still find myself packing extra turkey for ya in my take-out box. This weekend held for a lot of beer, a lot of tears, but a lot of laughs too. Even without a cell phone, I can certainly count on the people who matter most to find me.. and that screams special.

Thanks.

And to everyone who hates me right now, well.. I've got nothing for ya. Continue to pick your reasons. I'm still here.

I'm meeting a lot of new people, and having a glorious time with my usuals.
Phasing in and out between crying like a basket case and laughing my ass off. Now I know that it might be a little tired, but for me.. I think I'm doing a lot better.. Actually, I want to refrain from saying the word "better". Let's just say I'm grasping the rope a little tighter.

Time to hit the books with a glass of wine.

Love. Xoxox.

SATURDAY NIGHT.

"YOUR MIND DON'T CONTROL WHAT IT DOES SOMETIMES. WE ALL HAVE OUR NIGHTS THOUGH, DON'T BE SO ASHAMED. I'VE HAD MINE, YOU'VE HAD YOURS, WE BOTH KNOW, WE KNOW."

- DRIZZY.

BIRTHDAY BOY.

Took this on his birthday.

STUFF.

When I say life has been hectic lately, I mean... life has been hectic. I wish there was a more hectic word for hectic. Anyway.. I really can't keep up with shit, so I'm trying to do that now. I don't even know why I'm writing this entry, I have no idea where to go with it..

Ummmmmmmm.. I'm working on shit. Tears and laughter all over the place included! Get yours now!

Emotional time bomb at your service..!!

OH, IT'S TUESDAY.

Which I've chosen to re-name, "I don't give a fuck" day.

Never let your audience see you sweat.
You're either the last one standing, or the last one to fall.
Stick with who stuck by you.

And for now, for a couple hours, for tomorrow, for forever, stay the fuck up.

Tunechi.

WORD VOMIT!

Yo.
Been listening to MF Doom all day.
My mind is so scattered. THOUGHTS SCATTERED, ALL ACROSS THE GREY MATTER.
LITTLE BABY DOLL, she doesn't know what to say to y'all.
I miss my cousin, a lot.
I'ma clean my room til my arms fall off.
If I don't completely lose it, I also plan to read a book.
Booked a flight to Palm Springs. Get me the fuck outta here.
Bye.

FLYER.

Thanks for this one, Leah. He's wearing my dad's shirt in this pic. Love, love, love.

NEVER FORGET.

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AWOLAWOLAWOLAWOL.

Maybe I'm a different breed. Maybe I'm not listening, so blame it on my A.D.D., baby. Sail.

PAUSE A MOMENT, JUST A MOMENT.

"YOU WORK SO HARD JUST TO LIGHT A LITTLE FIRE JUST TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON JUST TO GET SO TIRED, JUST TO FEEL EVERY IDDY BIDDY GOD DAMN BONE IN YOUR BODY.."

- THE BIRD AND THE BEE.

KEEP SHOOTIN FOR RAINBOWS, BOTCH.

BLAME IT ON MY A.D.D., BABY.

I'm the kind of person who stands in line, and if that line isn't moving forward, I'll go into another one. However, once I get in that "new" line, I realize the line isn't new at all, I've already tried that one! What's worse? That the line I left is now moving forward.
I'm a fucking train wreck, and the outlets I chose to relay my emotions weren't the best ones. In fact, they were the worst ones. I'm not saying I hate myself for it, I'm saying I did wrong, I know I did wrong, and now I have to do right. I turned into something that wasn't me this weekend. I have never ever ever in my entire life regretted choices I have made. I've already conjured up all the excuses in the book to take my guilt away. Shit is a novel. Reality of it, I can't take shit that I've said or done back. It's over, it happened. All I can do is apologize. I just need to take all the things I'm feeling and transfer them to more positive outlets. The way I've been doing for 24 years.
Sooooo.. now what? Now. I try another line.. and if it isn't moving forward, I need to be patient, respect myself, respect my choices and do nothing but right. Not for anyone else, either. I need to focus on myself. I was told today by a very wise lady, "Your moral compass has always been on point. You don't fuck up, you just don't." THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE. That shit right there.

I won't let a few bad actions define me. I do a lot of good for myself and others. A LOT. I will continue to focus on that for now.. it's all I got, man. My words, and my soul. A few demons have slipped past me, but once you've reached your bottom, you can only go up. I can only move forward. Stay tuned.

GET BACK, GET DOWN, PULL ME CLOSER IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HANG.