SMOKEY.

HAAHHWOOWWZAAHH.

I've received a writing offer. A paid writing offer. I don't want to say more than that, because I don't know what I'm going to do with it. My words have been used before (even stolen, wahhhh), in press write ups, and once for a gallery opening.. but other than that, everything I've ever written has been personal. I was told the other day, "You have a spark when you write, I get nervous that if you were to choose to write for a company, you'd lose that.". I dream big. I always have. When given the push/nudge/help though, that I always scream for, I tend to stray away from it. I always get nervous about not being good enough. About being criticized.
I think that being terrified of professional writing is proper when everything you've ever written has been personal. Aside from the press write up and gallery opening, my only boss.. and by boss, I mean the only person I've ever had to please, has been myself. And who am I!? I see a pretty ass bird or a rainbow and my happy continues for days. Weeks, even.
My biggest fear, has, and always will be, myself. I conjure up these thoughts of bad "what if"'s. I can't help it. My mind literally digs up the worst possible scenario, and convinces me that it's the only possible outcome. I have people saying the most ominous things about me, and I drive toward the opposite direction. NOW. The irony in all of this, is I do this because of my limited list of used works.. but the only way I could make that list longer, is by shutting fear out and stepping forward. OR, maybe not shutting fear out, but overcoming it. Damn this scatter brain!
I still want to do a few entries on Anthony. I think about them a lot, but haven't took them to a keyboard yet. I think that also holds hands with the fact that I haven't been able to listen to his albums. Nor have I gone through a pile of things he's given me. Nor have I listened to his tribute shows. Nor have I read his article completely. Nor have I.. the list goes on. I'm not in a place to do that.. yet. And, I want to be.
I'm busy as fuck, and took everything I have to do and buried it in my bag somewhere. Forms to fill, places to go, people to see, bills to pay, deadlines to make, things to study, whistles to blow. Taking a leap has never been this difficult for me, I'm fucking trying though. Although, my efforts aren't as great as they could be. I haven't completely dedicated my time.. but FUCK. I haven't had a fucking break in months. A few hours of vegetable are needed. I can't even begin to process where I should begin. Who I should run to. Where I should.. fuuucckkkkk. I'm not angry, just over-whelmed.
Cappucinnos, rain, Awolnation, and small sentences. There are few people who step into your lives and give you moments of nothing that become the best somethings. Rain hitting the dashboard has never sounded so lovely. Has it? Maybe I'm just hearing it better. Bezzies. How did I get to be that lucky?! Never ever do I take these things for granted, never.
Hi Alex. Hi Perla. Hi Kim. Hi Bonibelle. Hi blog readers. Thanks for giving me everything you have. I fucking promise each of you, you give me way more than you know. I hope to spend my entire life proving that to you. World domination, one small fear face at a time.

"THE WAY YOU WRITE IS SO DESCRIPTIVE, IT'S LIKE YOU TAKE ME THERE.. LIKE YOU PAINT A PICTURE. A KODAK MOMENT.. BETTER THAN THAT."

- TEEJ.

VIA TEXT MESSAGE:

#1: Why can't I send you bbms?!
#2: Why don't I know who this is?!
#1: Oh. Well now this is going to be fun. Purple monkey dishwasher!
#2: Lol you're funny. No wonder we're friends...
#1: I'm hilarious. Someone should pay me for this kind of material.
#2: I don't have a lot of guy friends, so u must be one of the 20 or so supermodels I've been talking to. This IS fun.
#1: I'm actually a troll living in the depths of the forest. A fairy gave me your number and a mystical box that lights up and connects me to people. She was the sweetest.
#2: That fairy knows what she's doing. She connects the right people. Fuck this might get weird, Botch. I knew it was you. Troll? Haha.

Lose. Jheff - 1. Botch... Zero.

GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

Wake me up when March is over. Hmph.

SAIL.

Awolnation's "sail" is currently my favorite song. So when you're feeling really down, and you head into an empty bar, and you hear this song.. And you've spent the night telling your best friend how much you miss your cousin, and you could spend that entire four minutes not talking, hearing your fave song.. well.. that's .. something.
I've been telling my mind to stop the sadness, and I've been doing it with a lot of beer.. and a lot of good people. Drinking from midnight til 7 in the morning will really fuck you up.. but I can't lie and say it didn't help. Being without a cell phone was weird, and also kind of nice. It was anything goes. I flew where everyone else was flying..
I'm really fucking blue, guys. Being out in an atmosphere where everyone's happy and trying to get laid isn't for me right now.. but when I'm with my favorite people in rooms where music is blaring, I almost feel like I don't exist.. and I guess in wording, that may seem sad, but it's not. Feeling like you don't exist for a few hours takes you away from all the bull shit going on.
Not to say I don't face random moments where I completely break down. That's still happening.. but the few hours where I can just have people who actually give two shits, that's fucking wonderful.

I appreciate all the e-mails, phone calls, text messages, and whatever else social media notifies me of. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with them all. Slow responses aren't meant to throw up an impression I don't want to speak to any of you.. I just don't want to speak.

All words I have are lyrics, blog entries.. and all silences are drowned out by a bottle of beer and really loud music.. and that's what I want right now.

I have good people surrounding me, down to let me cry, down to let me not say a word.. and I couldn't be any more thankful. These blues couldn't be any better. Ha. Good problems.

My name is Botch, and I've got a serious case of the blues, man.

SAID IT'D BE ALRIGHT.. BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW.

Smoke. Coffee. Lex. Teej. Bonibelle. Tina. Eliza. Colin. Maribeth. Kaitlin. Kalliane. Niki. Perla. Meaghan. Bianca. Amber. Richard. Bex. Manna. My brother. My sister. Mom. Beer. Wine. Jamie. Brian. Esco. Beer. Cousins. Family. The Albert. Vodka. Take-out. Symphonies. Music. Hip hop. Death Cab. Oliver Tank. Text messages. Phone calls. Notebooks. Pillows. Sunglasses. Tears. Belmonts. Movies. Youtube. Sweatpants. Lipstick. Hot showers. Car rides. City lights. Airplanes. Backpacks. Puddles. Rain boots. Sneakers. Boat shoes. Dreams. Blurry moments. Whispers. Pets. Heels. Jewellery. Credit card. Canada. Waterfalls. Letters. College. Sleep. Tub. The Foreign Exchange. Loud speakers. Winnipeg. Toronto. Montreal. Flowers. Niagra. Books. Authors. Soups. Tea. Honey. Kind strangers. Thesaurus. English. Compliments. Fireworks. Long nights. Early mornings. Support. Hugs. Kuya Anthony.



.. thank you.

LAST NIGHT I HEARD EVERYTHING IN SLOW MOTION..

There are a zillion things I wish I had said to you, but I think the main one is, "I love you".

I know I have said it.. but not enough.

You gave me so much. You did. One day you came over, and you handed me a Wu-Tang poster. I was so stoked. It wasn't my birthday, it wasn't Christmas. It was just an ordinary day. And you bought it, for me. It goes so much further than material things. You taught everyone around you to LIVE. When trying to gather thoughts of what it was you were good at.. there's so many to list. You were an amazing musician, a comedian, a wrestler, a brilliant artist, a character, a terrific dancer, a respected critic.. and with all of that; what you gave to the world was life.
You truly gave off a charisma and charm that no one could ever match. Even your insults made me smile because as my brain scurried for a comeback, I couldn't get over just how much you were making me laugh.

I wish I could at least thank you. The idea of you ceasing to exist is not one I would like to keep in my head, but it's a thought I can't escape. I don't wanna face the facts that you won't be here with us anymore. I keep phasing in and out of this state where I force myself to think about it and essentially fall into a zone of sadness. I don't want to be sad, but I also feel that when I'm not thinking about you, my mind tricks me into thinking you'll come around the corner with that crazy smile, aviator sunglasses, leather jacket, and you'll call my name and I'll say, "HEY! What are you doing?! Where we going!?". I don't know which of the two phases is better. I can't seem to pick one that will help me.

I guess there isn't a thing that could really help right now. I know that I have to move forward, progress, succeed, party, enjoy my life, and live.. the way you expect all of us to. I just can't do that yet. Things aren't the same. They never will be the same.. and although I get that, I'm trying to find a way to believe that things will be, at the very minimum, okay.

At present time, I don't expect okay. I know that's going to be a battle for a while, but I feel it's the only way to heal.


I miss you so much.

I can't stop bringing you up, regardless of who I'm with. Absolutely everything to cross my path reminds me of you.. and when I'm not doing that, it's only this magnetic pull of "BOTCH STOP" that I force onto myself to try and live what everyone else knows as a "normal life".

Fuck a normal life right now, man.

I fucking miss you so much, and all the screaming I do into my pillow won't bring you back.. and I know that niether will my tears.. I know that clenching my fists and smoking til my throat hurts won't bring you back.. but I don't feel like anything else fits right now.

Nothing else.. fits.

I just.. miss you. And you left us too fucking soon. And it's not fair. And I hate everything that isn't about you. And I hate everything that is about you, because it brings me back to two weeks ago.. when you were insulting me, and asking me to play smackdown.. and I just wanna go back to that simple moment.. and hug you..

I can't. I can't. And that shit fucking hurts.

You.. are all things every single one of us ever wanted to be, but were too chicken shit of reactions. You didn't give a fuck about that, and although it hurts right now.. I'm going to keep you in my head.. because I refuse to let any reaction tell me what the fuck to do. I miss you, and that's that.

You said it'd be alright.. but I just don't know.

THINGS WITHOUT HIM, JUST SUCK.

EVERYTHING I'M HAVIN', NO THEY AIN'T NECESSITY. THOUGH I'M SHININ', KEEP ON GRINDIN'. WHAT YOU SEE AIN'T ALL OF ME. THOUGH I KEEP THEM DUDES, DON'T LOVE THEM DUDES, ACCORDIN' TO WHAT Y'ALL WROTE. IT'S SO SIMPLE WHAT I NEED, YOU KNOW I KEEP MY FAM, AND I CAN'T FORGET THAT TREE.

Take me back.

MY FAVORITE "ROCK N ROLL ANIMAL".

It is with great sadness that we announce the sudden passing of our beloved, 'Anthony Lyle Bueno', born December 17, 1977. Peacefully, at home, Anthony passed on to begin his journey in the heavens.

Anthony is predeceased by his father, Celso Bueno. Left to mourn his passing, is his mother and step father, Elsa and Don Lazaruk, his brother Jimi Bueno, his step brother, Chris Lazaruk, and numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and friends.

Always the entertainer ('squareheads') Anthony touched many lives through his music and sense of humor. He was always quick to bring out a smile, and bursts of laughter, during any given situation. He will be missed by all that knew him. Prayers will be held at Glen Eden memorial (4477 Main St) on Friday, March 9, 2012 from 6:00pm to midnight, with funeral services at 1:00pm on Saturday, at St. Edwards Church (818 Arlington St.). Interment to follow at Glen Eden Memorial.

He passed away like morning dew,
Before the sun was high,
So brief was his time, he barely said goodbye.

He is not lost, our dearest love,
nor has he travelled far.
Just stepped inside the heaven's lovliest room,
and left the door ajar.

A very special thank you to Eugene and Patrick...forever his cousins, always his best friends.

Good night 'rock and roll animal', till we meet again.

Thanks again to everyone who offered thoughts, memories, support and love to Anthony and our family throughout.

COUSINS ARE EXTRA BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

And even though I'm in Toronto right now, I feel you with me. I miss you so much, cuz.

TODAY ISN'T ANY EASIER.

I MISS YOU SO, SO, MUCH.

& I WISH EVERYTHING BUT FOR THIS TO BE TRUE.

I don't even know what to say. I'm just.. really, really, really sad.

Miss you so much.