I'M SORRY, YOU'RE EXPIRED.

It's kind of ridiculous how clubs don't take expired ID. I don't understand it. Can some club owner out there explain this to me? So here's the thing - our driver's licenses get scanned, and they tell the "bouncer" that our license is expired. They don't let you in. HOWEVER, this is STILL identification. Isn't the whole point of ID just to prove that you're old enough to drink alcoholic bevvies? So fuck, you miss a payment, or your license is suspended, AND NOW YOU CAN'T EVEN DRINK ABOUT IT?

It's almost as bad as the hoops people have to jump through to get a paycheck while on stress leave. You take an absence from work, because you're stressed out, your benefits pay you.. but not right away. You have to go to a bunch of different offices, your doctor, your insurance company, they have to fax, you have to fill out form 24A section 6, you have to call your bank, bring the paperwork to your employer, bring your employer's paperwork to your insurance company, get your insurance company to fax your doctor to get a signature.. don't ever go on stress leave, you'll end up more stressed than you were.

I don't mean to rant, so let me get positive for a second.. it's supposed to snow :)

Love ya, bye.

YUP.

Let's face it. She a queen.

ALL OF THE THINGS.

I met a guy who lived on an off-the-grid community. They own about 118 acres and there's about 12 of them. Almost completely. Off the grid. Like, I met him at a party and he had to rush home the next day because he had to put wood in his wood-stove so his house didn't freeze. Off the grid. Like, he pickles and freezes his food so it lasts, the food that he grows. Off the grid. Like, doesn't own a computer or a TV or a phone. Off the grid. I actually met him at a house party that was only being heated by a fire place on one of the coldest days.. -37C. AND I was like, "This is cold". Maybe I actually don't even know what cold is at all? How different is that life? I asked him if it was hard, and he didn't really think much of it, because it was just life.. like regular life hard, but not more than that.
We had to put my cat down. It was devastating. I still wonder where his meows are. I occasionally tear up when I see a cat video or a cat picture.
I'm working my butt off. I'm staying extra time, I'm hurting, I'm so sore.
All of my friends are getting married. I'm invited to like 7 weddings right now. They're all out of town. I keep debating which ones to go to and which ones not to go to. It's hard to pick and choose. I want to be at all of them but it's just financially draining. I took a quiz today that is supposed to help you decide which weddings to go to and which ones not to go to. It was.. successful! It totally made me weed out a bunch, except.. I don't fully know how to follow through with that. I always want to say yes to everyone.. but I'm trying to save up hard for a future.. or something adult like that. Don't praise me yet - I'm moving at the rate of a dizzy 2 year old blind folded trying to pin the tail on a donkey. I have no idea what I'm doing.
I turn 30 next year. I'd really like to go on a solo trip for my 30th.
I honestly am trying to build myself up and have been selfishly ignoring calls and texts. Some of that seems okay to me. Part of that is anxiety.
I had my first ever panic attack! I've had 2 now. I always thought the ones I've had prior to these 2 were real. Um. Yes. I. Was. Wrong. These two were insane. My first one happened at around 2am, and I immediately called my mom, who explained to me, that yes, this was indeed, a panic attack. It was not fun. My second one came a week later. I thought someone had died - even though no one had died. That's how panicked I was. This immense sense of worry. The puke cry. The heart pounding through your chest. Unable to find a breath and searching aimlessly. This is a thing now I guess?
I thought about fighting a girl this weekend and stopped myself. I left. I immediately left that social situation. That isn't me anymore. I no longer believe in any forms of violence and as soon as I felt that part of me building up I got the fuck out of there. My mind terrifies me sometimes but I'm working on it.
It's disgusting outside and there's nowhere to walk.
I'm poor and need money.



Send beer, bye.

Thoughts with BPM.

BPM was such a remarkable experience for me. There is such a close-knit sense of community that follows this festival, and everyone seems to be there for the music. When I heard about the shooting that happened last night, I was beyond disbelief. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? At truly one of the most loving festivals where everyone gets along? I remember waiting for a while as my bags were searched before entering *most* venues but I imagine security will get a lot tighter. Truly saddened for the 5 who lost their lives, as well as the 15 injured, and so thankful friends who went are okay.
Things like this should not be happening. It is so scary to think that these happy times can change so quickly. Blue Parrot holds such good memories for me, and now for others - the memories are so tragic.

Beyond devastated, I hope everyone affected by this finds their peace. Love to the BPM community.

29.

Still a baddie doe.

OH HEY.

I'm 29. Where did that come from?
How did we get here?
My birthday always comes with the "excitement" of the new year, because it's.. at the beginning of the new year. The feelings are always fumbly. I've never really liked New Year's. It's expensive, it's usually shitty, and the ball gowns and champagne are usually filled with too much money spent and cheap ambiance smelling of low grade alcohol that is somehow selling for $12 a glass. I also usually lose something.. and occasionally cry.

Anyway. That part is *somewhat* over, and now we're here, at January 4th. I'd like to join the hate wagon for 2016, and that is generally where I usually find myself - "Man, this year sucked". We all do that, don't we? We try to shit on the last year in hopes that it will feed our energy for the next one. HELL YA THIS IS GONNA BE MY YEAR. Ha. My thoughts are bouncing. I feel like I still don't have my shit together. So, in order to cover up what could be detrimental to my feel good at 29 birthday party (sitting on my couch sifting through rap music), here are a bunch of things I'm thankful for:

• Changed the blog layout. WE DID IT.
• New York - twice. Attended a warehouse party in Brooklyn which changed my life. Made new connections and immersed myself in old ones. 
• Toronto - forever my second home. Islands, walks, beaches, shops, AND ALL OF THE NAPS.
• Victoria - first time! A ton of hiking, a ton of forests, and visiting my grandma's home - ugh. She had all these amazing toys from her childhood that I could appreciate better as an adult. She had pictures of family I hadn't seen or maybe forgotten. What a way to paint memories. 
• Mexico - more hikes and forests! Kayaking, food, music, and family.
• Beat my blog posts from 2015! By one entry!
• I fully paid off my driver's licence. Hell ya.
• I went to counselling. It was helpful.
• I rowed in the dragon boat competition with such a fun group, and we placed well! We improved over and over again and it was brilliant.
• I completed Mud Hero! A marathon with obstacle courses that was ridiculously fun. I took two girls with me and we kicked ass.
• Threw a masquerade fundraiser with a team of phenom people. We worked hard for a few months and were able to pull in a bunch of performers and it was a great success.
• Held a successful project of random acts kindness, where we were able to distribute 3,500+ gifts to random strangers.

So.. good things did happen. I don't like resolutions because they terrify me. The thought of failing myself is too big to handle. I'd *like* to find motivation to blog more. I'd *like* to take more photos, take more videos. I'd *like* to attend a music festival. I'd *like* to take a hike with my boyfriend. I'd *like* to improve my home and organize my chaos into something more manageable. 

Those things would be nice. Last year to say I'm in my twenties. First year to really do shit.

Let's get thankful.