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PRIDE - HAD TO SWALLOW THAT, TRUTH - DON'T WANNA HOLLOW THAT, YOUR HEART COULD GET BROKEN; YOU DON'T WANNA FOLLOW THAT.
.. but fuck it, i'll jump. we had our little months. he took me through the 905, we had our little fun.. your dislikes, i did like. yeah i remember them nights.. went home thinking "man i don't do shit right". i'm damned if i stay & i'm damned if i leave ya.. you just wasn't ready, and i wasn't either.THROWBACK THURSDAY
THE EX-BOYFRIEND EDITION
he was the first hip hop head to ever impress me. i know. bold statement.. but it's true.
at the time i was seventeen. i wasn't really a bad kid, but i was no angel. i was having a rough time trying to place myself into .. what i wanted to be. i was struggling with who i was, and my actions helped me none. i was partying like a fucking rock star. i went out literally every fucking night and just got wasted. wait what?! have things even changed?! hahaha. basically i was getting my heart broken, and this dude was there for me. & for the sake of story-telling, we'll call him.. cam (dipset!).
anyway.. it started out as him being a really good friend. we would talk on the phone fooooorrr houuurrs. literally hours, about hip hop and weekends.. and about five months deep, AS FRIENDS..
the very first day we hung out, was AWKWARD AS SHIT. we met at harvey's on gerrard street.. and i was hungry.. so i got in line to buy food.. as i'm standing in line, my wallet breaks.. AND ALL THIS CHANGE FALLS OUT.. literally like $5.00 worth of coins all over the fucking place.. and i'm like "fuck. really?". it was embarrassing as shit, but that didn't stop cam from asking me to be his girlfriend.
literally almost everyone we knew was against us being together, at least, that's what he told me.. and i could kind of understand why seeing as i kind of ..some what.. had a thing with his cousin jim (which you can re-visit HERE).. whatever, so people hated us. i didn't give a fuck. i was into him, and he was into me, that's all that mattered at the time.
we had a good four month run. we laughed at each other's jokes. i got him into sneakers. we had endless hip hop debates (A WHOLE HOUR ON KRS-ONE! you remember that shit!?).. and it was an over-all good time. he was even the first dude i ever admitted to dating. i told my mom. i was like "i'm dating cam, mom".. and she was all "yeah cool. don't get pregnant". LOL.
i was in toronto (where he was from), without any money to my name, and no place to stay.. so i ended up staying at my friend's AUNTS house. i know. what? haha. it's what i had to do after blowing all my moms money. she refused to wire me more after i blew so much.. mostly on cigarettes and coke (the drink people, not the drug).. might i add. gross. there was a heatwave in toronto at this time, and our dorm room (where i was staying before maribeth's aunts') didn't have air conditioning.. maribeth and i would take turns hanging out in the freezer.. LOL. anyway, i was staying there, and he would make the 2 hour mission every morning to come and hang out with me and my friends aunt, who basically became our aunt, made us breakfast EVERY MORNING. every morning, when i woke up.. there would be two places set, one for me, one for cam.
we did all the typical teenage love gay type relationship shit. one day we were outside on the stoop of our aunts apartment while i was having a smoke.. i made him try smoking and he did. we made out and some four year old yelled at us "get a room!!" and cam was all "HEY!! come back here!" hahaha.. we had some classic moments.. i got this dude DRUNK for the first time. i made him skip work for the first time. he bought cigarettes for me! i wasn't legal in toronto, he was lol.. i was the bad influence in his life, and for some reason.. that worked.
.. and then.. then i came back to winnipeg.. figuring maybe it could still work.. so i was staying at my mom & stepdad's house, and we were on the phone.. and here's what happened:
cam: .. i love you.
botch: what?
cam: .. i do though!
botch: don't say that
cam: hold on a second.
AND HE COVERS THE PHONE OKAY.. as he answers his cell phone, all i hear is "yeah i'm kinda busy right now.. i'll call you before i go to sleep though.. yeah baby, i'm not doing anything! don't worry. i'll call you later. love you too".
OH NO THIS BITCH DID NOT!! lol..so i ask him
botch: where'd you go?
cam: oh my mom just asked me to help her with something right quick.
botch: oh yeah?! who called your cell phone?!
cam: ... what?
botch: BYE. *hang up.*
and he kept calling. he called like 10 times, and my cell phone was dead, so he was calling my step dad's.. at like 2 in the morning okay. i had to leave the phone off the hook so the ringing wouldn't wake them up.. I WAS INFURIATED, and broken. i cried myself to sleep on a couch. there i was. i was broke, so many people hated me, i was sleeping on a fucking couch, crying my ass off thinking "this mother fucker".
that was enough man. thoughts of going back to toronto went to shit after that. how you gonna tell me you love me for the first time while you're still with your fucking girlfriend?! i was fucking HEARTBROKEN. he was the first dude to ever cheat on me. i'd blast slow jams all day and just write journal entries of how much it hurt. i'd bash him all day and i partied to the extreme. i went through a straight rage period. i didn't talk to him for like a year after that.. i couldn't. all of our conversations would just be one of us yelling at each other, or one of us hanging up.
even when we did start talking again he would never admit to it.. it wasn't until he did admit to it that we finally became good again.. not great, good. we're friends now.. and in between the years that passed, we've had one too many conversations of "should we give it another shot?".
to this day, i still don't know the whole truth. i mean i do, but i don't know the details.. and i don't plan on finding out. it's over, it's done. the whole situation was just two kids being kids, but we're older now.. and it's nice to actually be in a good place.. because it took us a LONG fucking time to get here. he still pisses me off some times, and i'm sure i still piss him off.. but i'll never regret cam, i wear his dog-tags from time to time to remind me.. at one point, we really had one hell of a time. cheers to you and screw faces.
LUUUUUUUCCCKKKYYYY!!
MOST OF THESE BLOG ENTRIES I WRITE, THAT THESE PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE, ARE ABOUT YOU.. AND HOW I LET YOU INFECT MY LIFE. & IF THEY GOT TO KNOW YOU, I DOUBT THAT THEY WOULD SEE IT. THEY'D WONDER WHAT I SHOWED YOU, HOW YOU COULD LEAVE IT.
THROWBACK THURSDAY
THE EX-BOYFRIEND EDITION
you know, i try not to write too much about this one guy.. just because it's like "fuck, really?! are we really doing this right now?!". but here's the thing. every relationship molds you. every relationship teaches you something about yourself, that you never knew.. and as much as i hate it, this guy was no fuckin' different..
i'm skipping a few ex-boyfriends that were right after jim (my last exboyfriend post which you can view HERE).. SO for the sake of no confusion, we'll call dude .. john. i'm only skipping them because this is an entry that i've been avoiding.. and i need to just do it. soo, let us begin.
i met john through a friend.. and i was introduced to him about .. i'd say a month before we started dating. it was a house party, we were both drunk, and we ended up hooking up.
no fuckin fairy tale sugar coating bull shit there.. it was purely and solely bull shit from the very fuckin' start. fuck. i'm already pissed off, let me light a cigarette.
i was very distraught about my break up with the guy who was right before john.. (of whom, i'll write about next thursday).. like i was a fuckin' wreck. i got myself into a sticky situation where i wanted everything just to go back to being awesome. john was sort of a quick fix. we started out as nothing.. just hanging out. well, since i was heartbroken about exboyfriend number 2, i kind of used john to make everything all better.
do i sound mad? well i guess i'm a little pissed. every action has a point, five points make a fist.
this relationship started off rocky as fuck. he was a liar from the very beginning, and i forced myself to cling on to the fact that he wasn't. three months deep, we faced what would become our biggest and most common downfalls. he stole money from me. around $300.. but dude was smart. he knew how to twist the story to make a girl feel like it wasn't theft. he made it become a "loan" and that was fine by me. after his bull shit story of how he needed it more than i did, i believed him.. and i believed he would pay me back.
that same downfall, became routine.. and other problems soon followed. the fights got worse. screaming til your lungs hurt, and crying til my cheeks burned from tears were routine. i was used to it. i felt stuck, trapped.. in something i didn't believe to be reality. i kept on telling myself that things would get better. i kept telling myself that people could change.
.. and soon, i told myself that i loved him. i think that every girl has that nurturing instinct in them. that piece of girl that wants to change people. that wants to bring out the good in a bad person, and that's exactly what i thought i was doing.
between him buying me extravagant "i'm sorry" presents.. between him telling me how i was the greatest thing in his life. between him hurting me, there was belief, and hope. i liked how the world didn't know. i liked how the world would see this gangster ass mother fucker who bought his girlfriend everything, who would take her out. but it wasn't like that. behind close doors, there was broken dishes, there were tears, and there was a shit load of "i'm sorry's". "it'll never happen again" happened again. then the doors would open again.
this shit went on for two years. two years of a cheater. two years of a professional liar.. TWO YEARS.. until we finally reached our biggest down fall. this mother fucker wouldn't even fucking hold my hand in public. NOPE. he would buy me computers, he would buy my cell phones, but he wouldn't fucking hold my hand.
AND ALL OF THAT MONEY.. all of that fucking money, was dirty. i grew to love a dude that was addicted to fuckery, except that it wasn't love. "love" was a lie. love was me wanting to be a fucking princess, hoping that dude would finally man up.. and own his shit. that dude would finally become what he was in front of people, and that the door would remain open.. for the better.
this entry keeps circling back and forth between nowhere and nothing but i can't seem to find the words to say what i want to say.
i don't know how to say it to help you to feel what i felt, but i'll try so to the best of my ability.
basically.. about a month before we broke up.. i started to find out about the cheating. girls started telling me themselves. i put it aside, figuring, "they're just jealous bitches with too much time on their hands".. that was, until i started catching it myself. i started seeing the calls, the emails, the pictures!! FUCKING PICTURES.. and dummy little me, still told myself, he loves me.
he would come home, never. he would call me, never.. and when we were together, it was a quick fuck with no conversation. he would be all strung out off coke and i replaced sleep with crying.
i was shamed, and i didn't want anyone to know. i didn't want anyone to think that i was stupid.. i wanted everyone to believe that everything was okay.. and if i kept up with that, i would probably still be with him. it took him hurting someone close to me for me to finally leave.
it took me losing $8000 and a car, to finally break away.
the last time i saw him was literally the day before i met my current boyfriend. he gave me $40, all the money he had at the moment (according to him).. and he brought me food. what's crazy is, even after all of the bull shit he put me through every single fucking day.. i still fucking want what's best for him. on my first real date with my current boyfriend.. we were walking around downtown toronto.. and john called me. i took the fucking call.
it's stupid of me to still have this ounce of hope that john could actually change and better himself.. which i don't believe. i don't think he will ever change. i told him all i EVER want from him is to pay me back. i told him i don't give a fuck if it's $10 a week, i want what he took from me.. then i realize what he took from me was so much more than money, it was so much more than what i owned, it was so much more than what i wanted to believe. he took a piece of me with him.. and he left the fucking city, right when i did.. he had to. i don't think he'll ever go back to winnipeg, and that's fine with me. i just hope one day he realizes what he needs to do to fill that hole.
so.
with all of that bull shit on the fucking table.
let's say this the only way i know how..
dear john,
i got an idea, you should get a tattoo that says "warning". that's all, just a warning.. so the potential victim can take a left, and save breath, and avoid you sober and upset in the morning. i wanna scream "fuck you", but instead i'ma finish this smoke and have another while you think about how you used to be my lover.
i've finally closed the door with you on the other side.
peace.
THROWBACK THURSDAY
THE EX-BOYFRIEND EDITION
so for throwback thursdays, i figured i'd start off with some old hip hop vids that i enjoyed.. then my boyfriend said "why don't you do exboyfriends?!" i guess he's trying to get some information about my past, which i have no problem about.. plus shit might be kind of relatable.. so why the fuck not?!
i've never dated anyone from my high school, this guy was no different. we'll call him.. jim. so jim was really into biggie, and at the time i was going through this ready to die is the greatest album on earth type deal so we really connected. we would just spit biggie lines to each other all the time. plus he was like this bad ass dress all in black type dude.. and he wore fitteds all the time, what wasn't there to like?! i was 15 and thought dude was the shit.. i would write journal entries about him, plastered with his name in different types of wannabe graf writing thinking we would be the illest couple on the block. i didn't really let him in on how much i was diggin him.. i figured "hey i'm fifteen, the fuck do i know?! i'm not ready for a relationship".. and at the beginning of our .. "beginning" i guess.. he told me straight up, "don't fall for me.". to this day i never really got that.
did he say that to be charming?! to be funny?! so that a piece of me could want what i couldn't have?! or was he honestly telling the truth!? it's whatever, teenager type shit. eventually the weekly conversations became daily and he became my best secret. i didn't let too many people know about him, part of it was because i wasn't sure if we were anything, and part of it was to make sure if it was anything, that i didn't get too involved. that didn't help me none. i was stuck on dude.. but i still played the part, like he wasn't as dope.
we had a few downs, he was a trouble maker, got suspended all that type of shit, so we'd lose contact for like days at a time.. without me knowing what was going on he'd just disappear for a minute. this went on for like .. four months or so, literally on and off. then i found out he was "talking" to some next broad.. and when you're fifteen, talking on the phone with another girl, is cheating. so i said fuck him. i'm ill anyways.. and i cut him off for like two weeks. christmas eve, he calls me, and he's drunk as shit lol.. so he calls me, telling me "yo i just wanna wish you a merry christmas and all that shit" and i'm ranting and raving like "no fuck you, you're a fucking jerk! i know who you've been talking to!" and he feeds me this shit like "yo i don't even like broad.. she's wack.. i'll stop talking to her for you, she means nothing!" meanwhile his battery's dying.. and it was them old school flip nokias, the ones that make that alien ship sound when the battery dies, so i can hear it, and we're both trying to get the last word before his battery dies.. AND I SWEAR TO YOU.. i can not make this shit up!! his word was like, "BUT BOTCH.. i FUCKING LOVE YOU!" and the battery dies.. and i'm sittin there crying my heart out like what?! love and shit?! it's christmas and all this is just crazy!
after that night, i didn't call him back. i think i texted him something like "merry christmas" but it never went any further. then, like four months later i ACCIDENTALLY some how started talking to someone who was like his best friend .. okay not his best friend, his brother (i didn't know that until later!).. lol shit it was nothing though.. just innocent friendly type gander.. and i was at my buddy's bbq.. and i called him, and JIM answered. freaking out, i hung up.. then in JUNE, i started dating this guy.. who i found out later was his cousin. so of course, he ended up hating me. the cousin at the time obviously didn't want me getting back with jim, so he would tell me what jim was saying about me. words got thrown around and he would hear shit that i said about him, and i would hear shit that jim said about me.. and it was battle of the sexes for that entire year. i eventually one day tried to call him.. but he hated me so he didn't take the call.. and still hates me, to this day. which is understandable, hey. i think i even wrote him a letter like last year, and got no response..
some freaky shit happened with dude though.. i was in his hood one time with my best friend maribeth, and i wanted to call my mom, just cause.. i was in his hood and kind of a little heart broken teenager, and i whipped out my phone and it was dialing his number. LOL..
WHATEVER. that shit is so far past done.. i'm just not sure he ever knew how much i dug him.. he was like the cake at the party that you didn't get to try.. lol. you leave the party and you're like dammit, i shouldve at least taken the cake home. i remember him telling me "you missed out botch. you definitely missed out".. and still i'm like did dude really like me?! or was he just saying shit to toy with a fifteen year old's head?! OH JIM. jim is the best. you remember that shit!? i do.
