IT'S AS IF..

It's as if everything I've done prior doesn't matter.
I've completely faded from the most important thing to a stranger.

I am not given time to speak, or be heard, or recognized.
Words of praise quickly turned into words of hate.

So many people hoped for this and wanted this.

Immaturity before adult conversation, because my existence should not matter unless I abide to every rule in the life book and never have any thing close to a human mistake/break down/emotion.

Hold everyone else's mistakes in your hands, so that your level of superiority does not leave you.
Grasp tight to the fact that you are perfect, constructed robotically to ensure your entire self-less being is only slightly out-shined by your holistic presence. Hold on to all of that, for the sake of us no good-fuck up-useless-cold-hearted shit bags who have no remorse or regret for the almighty being that is you.

I couldn't find the gears to transform me into everything I was supposed to be, so let me continue down this downward spiral until my existence isn't plaguing yours.

Send all of your continued disgust down the road of no forgiveness. I'm trying to hitch a ride under the sign that says "Wrong turn, all the time". A place that *you've* never driven down, even though it's the only road home.

BOUNCING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE HEALING AND THE HOLLERING.

March is get your ass on track month. I'm a sad, emotional, party-going wreck right now. Breaking down for a half hour and laughing the next. I've been fighting inner demons but maybe not to my fullest potential. I really miss my cousin. It hurts more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. BUT. I'm okay. I'm pushing and pushing to be okay. Some days, I am. Other days, I'm a little crazy. The group of people around me is so supportive that it makes anything appear possible even when I haven't achieved shit all yet. YET. Key word y'all, yet.

I'm not gonna sit here and rant about how you should feel sorry for me. I've always hated people who did that. People who feed you their petty problems. Whenever someone comes to me crying, my mind is yelling "Ugh get over it!". SO. I know how that is, people. I've never really known of a person or story of someone who was exactly where they wanted to be. I mean, everyone always wants to improve their situation, right?

I'm a private person when it comes to emotional stress, as well as emotional well-being. Although it's funny, my number one shoulder to cry on is a blog.. which in essence, isn't very private at all. Unless no one reads it, then fuck. WHERE ARE WE GOING WITH THIS?!

Okay. Here's what I really want to say. I don't want to approach the world with how I'm feeling, because I'd always rather write about it than speak it. This way it's a choice on whether you would like to see what goes on in this girl's fucked up head, or whether you'd click on to a Photo Friday. Either choice won't hurt me. I've been an independent psychopath since forever. I said psychopath as a joke, I'm really not going crazy. I am having a fun time right now. I am beginning to prioritize on paper, but need to relay these goals to reality, it's tough but I'm working on the discipline part. I am a little sad but I am handling it in a healthy way. My friends rule. Hip hop is life. Wu-Tang forever. Love is love.

Fuck you March, I'm going to destroy you.

Mean mugs, up.