BY CHELSEA FAGAN.

Look in your phone contacts. Pick out any two random 25-year-olds. Tell me what they’re both doing with their lives. Chances are that one of them is spending most nights scrounging around on Facebook for a good electronica show where they can get in for less than five dollars and hopefully score some free molly from an acquaintance because they’ve been out of a job for about four months. And it’s likely that the other is currently married with a house purchased in a nice-but-still-kind-of-hip suburb and is excited at the prospect of zestily reproducing in the next few years. One of them is getting monogrammed kitchen towels and handmade soaps for the guest bathroom, while the other is posting seven statuses a day from the comfort of their living room whilst getting high and watching reruns of Maury and eating Gogurt. And neither of these are right or wrong.

"GETTING OLD", AS A YOUNG PERSON.

I am young, I'm in my prime yo. I actually have said that since I was 17. I'm really not sure how long your "prime" lasts, but apparently to me, it goes on for quite a few years. I've never been bothered by age. I mean, I know from everyone over the age of 25, you must be like, "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL YOUNG.". But no. I'm really not scared of being old, I'm scared of goals and accomplishing stuff, but age? Nah. Not really.

But today I have serious acid reflux. It is driving me insane. Not just that! My back hurts. All the time. I get heartburn, and my joints crack, and sometimes I pull muscles by putting my jacket on, or bending to pick something up. My hands cramp, and I drop things. Sometimes I'll just lose total control of my hand. I've broken a few mugs.

My memory is shit, my eye bags are dark, there's never a moment where I'm not tired and right now I'm spitting up stomach acid.

Did you know caffeine gives you heartburn?! HOW DO YOU LIVE AS AN ADULT WITHOUT COFFEE?! You can't. There is no way. So destroy yaself, we losing.

I mean, I remember being a kid watching Days of Our Lives with my Ena (babysitter), and commercials for everything I just mentioned would play. I never understood it, but I knew what they were for - old people.

Is that where I am?! Do kids look at me and think I'm old? Ah. Fuck you kids, I don't care about you stupid punks. Get off my daisies! *throws cat*

I just dislike these issues. I dislike avoiding certain foods because of heartburn, or being all elastic-y and being able to bend however I wanted to. I debated on whether or not I should put a *wink* after that previous sentence, just to let you know.

Age doesn't matter, but function does.

Oh God, my heart hurts.

GERD is a real bitch y'all.