REMEMBER.

As I navigate my way through Covid-19, I often find myself bouncing back and forth between the healing and the hollering. I found that as people began working from home, or not working at all, they found time to reestablish connections with people they've been missing. I did too. I'm still working but two other places I help support were work from home which meant there were days they required less of me. I started connecting with people and these online chats were so wonderful and time flew by, but they were long. Then I found myself behind in reports I had to write and commitments I made.
Even with these online connections, it's incredibly lonely. I'm so alone, and it's poetic. I long deeply for kisses and conversations, hugs, and just taking in the smell of someone so deep that you never want to let them go. It's been a long time without someone, though I'm content on my own, I miss having someone. You see? Bouncing.

After long exhausting days, I'd sit down on my bed and face two realms of guilt. The first: you don't have enough time to take this break, look at your list of things to do. The second: you're going to take 5 minutes when you could be creating/working out/cleaning? Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. I couldn't shake the feeling. My mind was spinning with the "have-to"'s.

So I switched gears. I stopped opening messages of memes, I deleted messaging apps. I told people I was busy, and I said no. I was selfish. I needed to be. I took a bath (selfishly) and made some choices. All this pressure to come out of this pandemic a "better person" because you might not "have this chance/time" again, along with the added pressure of "wanting to change the world". We can't do it to ourselves. Deliver a care package. Clean the closet. Watch movies all day. Cry for a few hours. None of these are wrong. There is no "right way" to do this. And if you need a moment, take it for yourself and share your experience with someone you trust, or the internet, so others know that they're allowed their moment too. I'm taking mine now, because I need to start feeling like myself again. Basically my hot take is: feeling pressured? Don't. So maybe you shouldn't listen to me at all!

Oh, and with the first day I took for myself, I created something.

Xo
B.

I, SURRENDER.

Let's go to the movies, get a coffee
You need to know me
Talk a walk on the river
And melt in your company

Maybe it's the fact that I connected this song to the current world covid situation right now, or maybe it's just one of those songs.

This song made me cry a million tears. I lost it. I lost it! I absolutely lost it. This song broke my heart.

I hope we get a movie and a coffee soon.


Xx

March 2020 Playlist

My cousin and a friend of mine make monthly playlists, and I look forward to them every month. There's something that got lost as our need for immediacy increased. Everything is shared so quickly, but it isn't really shared. We're sent videos, but we watch 10 seconds of it before we move on to the next thing. There was a time when we shared mixtapes. You didn't "skip" tracks, because you couldn't. You could fast forward, sure, but did you ever? I didn't! Something about Leslie and Suraj sharing these carefully curated playlists that tugged on my mixtape heart strings, and they provided the pencil to wind me back up so I could hold enough attention to listen.

I'm sharing what I listened to the past month. I find myself often jumping around to different genres, something I've always done. I enjoy going to the ballet, I enjoy grunge-type pubs, I enjoy dimly lit lounges that serve overpriced cocktails, so why should my music taste be any different?



If you have any suggestions on what I should call this monthly series, let me know. And if you have anything you'd like to send my way, send itttttttt!

Xo,

B

OPAL - France

When I first heard this song, I was at work. I was in a situation where I couldn't listen to it loud, so I paused it, went to the bathroom, and listened to it with earbuds.

THIS SONG IS RIDICULOUS, and one that I could listen to over and over, so I hope this gets your toe tappin, and gives you a little bit of happy. Xo.

"DURING THESE TIMES OF UNCERTAINTY.."

Wow, we sure went to never hearing that sentence at all to hearing it nearly every day.

On February 3rd, my blog entry read, "I'm at a very weird point in my life where I'm trying to identify myself, for myself. Except, I feel like I never have the time to do so.. and making time just seems so, MINE".

WELL. HOW THE TURNS HAVE TABLED.

The youth outreach centre I work at, has closed, the Women's Centre I work at, has closed. I'm still working in the healthcare sector, because .. well, during this time, healthcare definitely won't close.

So, although, yes, I am still working through this global pandemic, AND, I will be putting in a lot of overtime, and have been.. I've definitely been "given" time.

I am no longer seeing my friends, I go from work, to home, and occasionally to the grocery store, but that's it. There is no in between. We HAVE to. I realize I am privileged to continue to work, I realize however that I am also at a higher risk than most of my friends and family members due to my career. I feel a great deal of wanting to continue to help, but also feel limited in doing so, I somehow wish I could do more.

So, although certain areas of my life have definitely gotten busier. Some areas of my life have slowed down, and I need to use it. I write this to hold myself accountable. CREATE. DREAM. WISH. Do your makeup now and then. Get dressed up. Have a dance party in your room. Brainstorm on how you can be effective during this situation. HELP. Aim to help in any way you can. Write. Make a poem. Read. GROW. Use these times, we often ask for it and aren't given it.

Plus, you're doing your part. Staying home ensures the safety of humanity.

Staying home is just as important as the frontline healthcare workers, it's just as essential as grocery store and city working employees. Stay home, grow, and continue to live. Resiliency is key.

In knowing that this has now become a cliche, I must reiterate, we are in this together, be well.

FOUR TET - BABY

WELP.. Four Tet has done it again! Consistency, people.. it's what the music world NEEDS! I can almost smell summer between these popping bubbly beats and soothing vocals.

Bravo, Four Tet!