DEAR LOVE,

I give up.

GOODBYES.

An acquaintance passed away this week.. which is CRAZY to me, because we were literally snapchatting each other last week. Over quarantine we had been talking quite a bit, sharing recipes and memes. And just like that, a young man in his 30s, no longer on this planet. I've been thinking a lot about death lately and how one day I will just stop existing. I look at my current life and wonder if it was enough. Did I do enough? Did I say enough? Have I loved enough?

I work extremely hard, have I appropriated enough time to friends, to family, to love? Have I listened? I love you, and this I know. I love to love, I'm just not good at it. I have so much love to give, I want to wrap it around you, two, three, four times, just so when a sad day breaks through the first layer, you still have three layers of love to remind you how much you are loved. I want to scream to the highest of heavens and tell you, and you, and you, that you are loved further than my arms can stretch, and I can only stretch my arms out this wide but the space is reserved for you should you want to stay.

I would like to listen more. I would like to be attentive and I want you to speak freely, not judged, for as long as you care to speak. I want you to tell me every single thing.

There's so much of everything, isn't there?

I did not know this young man that well, I can only say we were growing closer over the past few months and that we were on our way to developing what seemed like what could have been a wonderful friendship. I will make one of the recipes he sent me and reflect on his existence. He seemed to really live.

IT WAS GOOD UNTIL IT WASN'T.

A monthly playlist of everything I listened to in May. I actually listened to a lot of music this month and made time to curate this one. I hope it finds you well.



Xx

Would you like to go, like to go with me?

I spent my Tuesday night in urgent care. Nothing life threatening, when you work in healthcare, sometimes you get hit - hard. I got hit! And had to get treated, and it really sucked, and the doctors were really mean and no one wants to be with you because they're terrified of Covid and everything else. At least I got a day off?

Well, while in my mask, with a patient vomiting to my right, holding in my tears, I had this song playing over and over in my head.. and it really got me through the night. After leaving urgent care, I took a long walk, and even though I'm such a terribly sad girl, I'm thankful. For what I have, and what I've had.

Xx

It's so cruel what your mind can do for no reason.

Arlo Parks just cemented their way into my top poets with this gem. I felt this song on another level.

President of the sad girls club.

I have had people tell me, "fake it til you make it", and without a doubt, I often do. However, there are times when I feel like sharing this immaculate poem and asking, "Do you understand, now?"

Wishing you well.

Let my mind fall in, head to toe

...

It's been at least another year

And still I haven't got the chance to say
Always rolling off the tongue
Never said but nearly sung about a million ways
Every photograph and story
Trickled through the lengthy web of friend
I over thought but understood
Distant look but looking good
And not the other way

But you fail to remember
Do I still cross your mind?

Your face still distorts the time
With heat struck afternoons long through
Those idle dreams go back to you
The echo's seem somewhat displaced
Ever further from your face, I'm drifting off to
Bored of mere flirtations
That's what's made of constellations that I've sought

Was this only in my head
Just like most things go misread
When overthought

But you fail to remember
Do I still cross your mind?
Your face still distorts the time

APRIL 2020

Enjoy.

REMEMBER.

As I navigate my way through Covid-19, I often find myself bouncing back and forth between the healing and the hollering. I found that as people began working from home, or not working at all, they found time to reestablish connections with people they've been missing. I did too. I'm still working but two other places I help support were work from home which meant there were days they required less of me. I started connecting with people and these online chats were so wonderful and time flew by, but they were long. Then I found myself behind in reports I had to write and commitments I made.
Even with these online connections, it's incredibly lonely. I'm so alone, and it's poetic. I long deeply for kisses and conversations, hugs, and just taking in the smell of someone so deep that you never want to let them go. It's been a long time without someone, though I'm content on my own, I miss having someone. You see? Bouncing.

After long exhausting days, I'd sit down on my bed and face two realms of guilt. The first: you don't have enough time to take this break, look at your list of things to do. The second: you're going to take 5 minutes when you could be creating/working out/cleaning? Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. I couldn't shake the feeling. My mind was spinning with the "have-to"'s.

So I switched gears. I stopped opening messages of memes, I deleted messaging apps. I told people I was busy, and I said no. I was selfish. I needed to be. I took a bath (selfishly) and made some choices. All this pressure to come out of this pandemic a "better person" because you might not "have this chance/time" again, along with the added pressure of "wanting to change the world". We can't do it to ourselves. Deliver a care package. Clean the closet. Watch movies all day. Cry for a few hours. None of these are wrong. There is no "right way" to do this. And if you need a moment, take it for yourself and share your experience with someone you trust, or the internet, so others know that they're allowed their moment too. I'm taking mine now, because I need to start feeling like myself again. Basically my hot take is: feeling pressured? Don't. So maybe you shouldn't listen to me at all!

Oh, and with the first day I took for myself, I created something.

Xo
B.