Monday, March 14, 2011

CLOSER THAN MOST TO YOU.

IT'S SO LOUD INSIDE MY HEAD WITH WORDS THAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID. AS I DROWN IN MY REGRETS, I CAN'T TAKE BACK THE WORDS I NEVER SAID.

I got a call, Sunday afternoon. It was my uncle, I said "Hey I'm actually busy, can you call me back in ten?". A few minutes later I got a text that read "Are you ok?", from my cousin. I said "Why?". That's when I got the text that read, "grandpa died last night love". I felt sick, how did I ignore that initial call? I dropped everything and went into the office. My fingers started dialing. I called my mom. I tried telling her, but couldn't. I couldn't breathe. Between words of "Mom, I fucked up, what the fuck?! I'm so fucking selfish, I'm so fucking greedy, I'm so fucking important that I didn't take the time to say goodbye. I had the chance and didn't". She didn't have the time to react. She couldn't. She had to play the role of a mom who was calming her daughter down.
I've been spending every minute since between the feeling of numbness and the feeling of angst and regret.. and the feeling of just how stupid I've been, and how this has all been.. and all of the fights my grandpa and I have been through.. and how many times he told me he was sorry, and how many times I chose not to forgive him. How many times we've yelled, and cried.. AND HOW MANY TIMESSSS.. and how good or bad.. and how I can't have any of them.. ever.. again, ever.
& that's all shot to shit because of a greedy little girl who never took TIME out of her own petty life, to accept that REGARDLESS of everything you ever did to her, REGARDLESS.. you were still mine, and I was still yours.

and if the cleaning til my hands crack and bleed won't wash away this pain, then I can only hope that the cigarettes and tear soaked pillows will empty my body of it. I'm so sorry, and I don't know what to do.. and I miss you so much, and please don't ever forget that every good time is over-shadowing every hard time.. because you mean that to me! I don't care about any of it. I don't care about any wrongs, or any names, or any of that stupid shit that made our words clash. I don't care.

I love you soooo much. So much. Please know that forever, please don't feel like I left you.. even if it's from up there.. I love you. I love you. I love you.

& it's like this. It's like this!?

It's like this.

I can't function. & when I am functioning it's soul-less. My mind isn't there. I'm not sure when I'll get back, and I don't want to as of right now. You once told me, "you're just a drop of water in this glass", and I said, "grandpa, I'm the drop that makes it spill over". I can't keep thinking of it.. I don't feel like the spill over drop right now. I was always late to meet you, always latee.. and whenever I said, "Better late than never", you would say "Never late is better". NEVER LATE IS BETTER. I'm so sorry for being late. I'm sooooo numb.. and I don't know who to turn to, or who to call.. or.. if I even should. Just empty. Just blank...... just.. sad.



Before everything; I'll always remember the times we laughed together, first.

5 COMMENT:

Once Again It's The Life said...

Times as such, ppl's words are pretty meaning less. But that's all I have for you today Botch. Even a rock feels the rain once a while. And as tough as you are, you'll eventually over come this. I miss my grandfather too. And I choked when I was reading this because after two years of his passing,everything around me reminds me of him. And the memories are sufficient after the storm. I'll have you & your family in my prayers.

P. Quintana

Torino `I] said...

wow .. i know exactly how it feels to lose someone like that. I lost my great granpa 5 years ago and till this day its still hard. He was there for my first steps, frist words, first everything. Every once in a while i stop believing that hes in a better place just because i miss him that much. Your going to be okay and he loves you no matter what. Love&Prayer. <3

jHeff said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. I feel for you. No more, no less.

Anonymous said...

you got this. and dont ever forget that you will see him once again. him, and all the loved ones that you lost.

it's not goodbye. just see you later.

syntifik said...

thank you thank you thank you everyone

i don't know how else to say that.

<3