Monday, March 20, 2017

ALL OF THE THINGS.

I met a guy who lived on an off-the-grid community. They own about 118 acres and there's about 12 of them. Almost completely. Off the grid. Like, I met him at a party and he had to rush home the next day because he had to put wood in his wood-stove so his house didn't freeze. Off the grid. Like, he pickles and freezes his food so it lasts, the food that he grows. Off the grid. Like, doesn't own a computer or a TV or a phone. Off the grid. I actually met him at a house party that was only being heated by a fire place on one of the coldest days.. -37C. AND I was like, "This is cold". Maybe I actually don't even know what cold is at all? How different is that life? I asked him if it was hard, and he didn't really think much of it, because it was just life.. like regular life hard, but not more than that.
We had to put my cat down. It was devastating. I still wonder where his meows are. I occasionally tear up when I see a cat video or a cat picture.
I'm working my butt off. I'm staying extra time, I'm hurting, I'm so sore.
All of my friends are getting married. I'm invited to like 7 weddings right now. They're all out of town. I keep debating which ones to go to and which ones not to go to. It's hard to pick and choose. I want to be at all of them but it's just financially draining. I took a quiz today that is supposed to help you decide which weddings to go to and which ones not to go to. It was.. successful! It totally made me weed out a bunch, except.. I don't fully know how to follow through with that. I always want to say yes to everyone.. but I'm trying to save up hard for a future.. or something adult like that. Don't praise me yet - I'm moving at the rate of a dizzy 2 year old blind folded trying to pin the tail on a donkey. I have no idea what I'm doing.
I turn 30 next year. I'd really like to go on a solo trip for my 30th.
I honestly am trying to build myself up and have been selfishly ignoring calls and texts. Some of that seems okay to me. Part of that is anxiety.
I had my first ever panic attack! I've had 2 now. I always thought the ones I've had prior to these 2 were real. Um. Yes. I. Was. Wrong. These two were insane. My first one happened at around 2am, and I immediately called my mom, who explained to me, that yes, this was indeed, a panic attack. It was not fun. My second one came a week later. I thought someone had died - even though no one had died. That's how panicked I was. This immense sense of worry. The puke cry. The heart pounding through your chest. Unable to find a breath and searching aimlessly. This is a thing now I guess?
I thought about fighting a girl this weekend and stopped myself. I left. I immediately left that social situation. That isn't me anymore. I no longer believe in any forms of violence and as soon as I felt that part of me building up I got the fuck out of there. My mind terrifies me sometimes but I'm working on it.
It's disgusting outside and there's nowhere to walk.
I'm poor and need money.

Send beer, bye.