Sunday, May 28, 2017


Life throwing some crazy shade as of late. My garage was broken into. Again. My laptop keyboard isn't working. I'm straight up using a clickable keyboard app rn. My washing machine just broke and flooded my house. I mean if anyone was ever considering being financially dominated by me, or donating to some strange girl on the internet, now would be the perfect time. WHAT IS GOING ON?! Send life help. Send monies. Send booze. I really want to write a long rant, but I can't even bring myself to do that because clicking this stupid keyboard is taking forever.. heeeelllppppppppp mmmmmmeeeeeeee

This is truly no good for my panic attacks lemme telllll yoouuuu


Sunday, April 30, 2017


Oh, hi there. I'm generally a very sad person. Which is crazy right?! Sure, sure. I do things, I go out and laugh, but a lot of the time, I'm screaming on the inside.. and after all of it, I usually go home and cry. Not all days are terribly sad, not all days are terribly good. However, for me, there are certain things that help contribute to which way my emotional strings will be pulled.

My least favorite. I HATE IT. People ask me this all the freaking time, and I can't stand it. There is nothing worse than being in a social environment, especially when you're having a great day, and someone asking, "You okay?". Ugh, yes. I mean, I was, now I'm just going over a billion situations in my head as to why you would ask me that. Do I look sad?! Am I acting weird? Should I be smiling more? I'm a people watcher. I like getting to places and observing, sometimes interaction is very little for me, despite me being somewhat of a social person. Plus, even if I'm feeling down, this question really doesn't really make me feel like opening up. It feels like a non-considerate pry. I know the intention may be good, but I'd prefer..

.. and you've already half way done it! I'm very picky with the people who I open up to, generally I tend to write more. Alors, when I do choose to share my sadness, it's nice to get some assurance. For instance, I was feeling really down about my Dad yesterday, and a friend who saw my instagram post, called me and said, "I'm sorry today is a rough one for you. If you're up for it, I'd love to hear what your Dad's faves were? What'd he like to eat?". UGH! Let's break that down. First, telling me my sadness is okay with, "I'm sorry today is a rough one for you". This validates my emotion. Next, "If you're up for it, I'd love to hear what your Dad's faves were..".  That, gave me the choice. The choice to choose whether I wanted to share a story or not.. and next, asking me to talk about my Dad. Sometimes when people ask me, "What's wrong?", I get so flustered because I don't know where to start. By asking for a specific something about my Dad, I wanted to talk about it, and I didn't even have to think. It also brought up positive memory, Dad LOVED T-bone steak.

I had a conversation a few weeks ago, where the person asked why I was sad (ugh) and when I answered that it was just a general sad day, they started talking about how I'm such a happy person, and they admired how happy I was when they were feeling shitty, which turned into how much of a worse time they're having, and how horrible things are for them. Trying to out-shine people is never a good conversation. WAIT. FOR. YOUR. TURN. I believe it's fine to share that you had similar experiences in dialogue, but you should never take over and story dump.

They aren't for everyone. The meme can wait for an appropriate time. I love a good YouTube/meme, but at these times, they make me feel like you're not hearing what I'm saying, and you're not understanding what I'm trying to say.. which brings me to..

If you're not understanding, that's okay! Say so. I feel like I would be okay with someone saying something like, "I'm not sure I'm understanding what you mean by that, could you explain it a little more?".

HUG - sometimes
This is a *tricky* one for me. Sometimes an arm around the shoulder is nice, and sometimes hugs are nice, but it depends on the situation. I'd say go for it, but only if you have a good read and feel it's appropriate. Personally, I wouldn't be offended if someone asked me if I would like a hug, either. Body language is a good tell, too. If I feel a little stiff, it might be me a little uncomfortable. If my physical affection is shared, reciprocate.

Offer more time. "Is there anything else you'd like to talk about", "Would you want to finish this conversation tomorrow", etc. An important close. Let the sadness run. It's just a bad meal I have to finish. Asking me if I have any ideas on solutions, and offering solutions is empathetic and I adore it, but I don't always need it. Just knowing someone is around is great.

This might not ring true for everyone, but it definitely does for me. What do you like when you're sad? I appreciate, specific questions, recognizing my sadness, validating my emotion, listening and responsive ideas on resolution. People are too fixated on *fixing* me. You don't have to! I'm not broken. I'm a human. I need to cry, and when I'm told to "stop crying", it makes me feel like I'm being wrong for being sad, and I don't believe in that. I don't have to be "cheered" up. Just because I'm sad doesn't mean I have to change right in that moment :) I'm honestly okay with being sad more than ever, and all of the above mentioned are contributing factors. So thank you to everyone who has done so for me. Love you all, byyyyyyyyyeeeeee. Sad girls club, wut.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017


Bless up, Kim K for sharing this gem on her Snapchat today.

Can you imagine if we all had music videos to timeline the times of our life? But nah, here we are. With our blogs and Instagrams. C'est la vie, non?

Whenever people ask me why I'm snapchatting or whatever now, I'm straight up going to say, Kim K, thanks for the memories.

Look it up, boy.

Saturday, April 22, 2017


Forever a fave. Soo beauutifuuuuul.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017


It's weird how I've been watching the Humble video for two weeks straight.. everything was being shit so this came at the perfect time.

Yes, hi, Kendrick, it's me Botch, thank you.

I CAN'T...!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean.. Damn.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017


It's kind of ridiculous how clubs don't take expired ID. I don't understand it. Can some club owner out there explain this to me? So here's the thing - our driver's licenses get scanned, and they tell the "bouncer" that our license is expired. They don't let you in. HOWEVER, this is STILL identification. Isn't the whole point of ID just to prove that you're old enough to drink alcoholic bevvies? So fuck, you miss a payment, or your license is suspended, AND NOW YOU CAN'T EVEN DRINK ABOUT IT?

It's almost as bad as the hoops people have to jump through to get a paycheck while on stress leave. You take an absence from work, because you're stressed out, your benefits pay you.. but not right away. You have to go to a bunch of different offices, your doctor, your insurance company, they have to fax, you have to fill out form 24A section 6, you have to call your bank, bring the paperwork to your employer, bring your employer's paperwork to your insurance company, get your insurance company to fax your doctor to get a signature.. don't ever go on stress leave, you'll end up more stressed than you were.

I don't mean to rant, so let me get positive for a second.. it's supposed to snow :)

Love ya, bye.


Let's face it. She a queen.

Monday, March 20, 2017


I met a guy who lived on an off-the-grid community. They own about 118 acres and there's about 12 of them. Almost completely. Off the grid. Like, I met him at a party and he had to rush home the next day because he had to put wood in his wood-stove so his house didn't freeze. Off the grid. Like, he pickles and freezes his food so it lasts, the food that he grows. Off the grid. Like, doesn't own a computer or a TV or a phone. Off the grid. I actually met him at a house party that was only being heated by a fire place on one of the coldest days.. -37C. AND I was like, "This is cold". Maybe I actually don't even know what cold is at all? How different is that life? I asked him if it was hard, and he didn't really think much of it, because it was just life.. like regular life hard, but not more than that.
We had to put my cat down. It was devastating. I still wonder where his meows are. I occasionally tear up when I see a cat video or a cat picture.
I'm working my butt off. I'm staying extra time, I'm hurting, I'm so sore.
All of my friends are getting married. I'm invited to like 7 weddings right now. They're all out of town. I keep debating which ones to go to and which ones not to go to. It's hard to pick and choose. I want to be at all of them but it's just financially draining. I took a quiz today that is supposed to help you decide which weddings to go to and which ones not to go to. It was.. successful! It totally made me weed out a bunch, except.. I don't fully know how to follow through with that. I always want to say yes to everyone.. but I'm trying to save up hard for a future.. or something adult like that. Don't praise me yet - I'm moving at the rate of a dizzy 2 year old blind folded trying to pin the tail on a donkey. I have no idea what I'm doing.
I turn 30 next year. I'd really like to go on a solo trip for my 30th.
I honestly am trying to build myself up and have been selfishly ignoring calls and texts. Some of that seems okay to me. Part of that is anxiety.
I had my first ever panic attack! I've had 2 now. I always thought the ones I've had prior to these 2 were real. Um. Yes. I. Was. Wrong. These two were insane. My first one happened at around 2am, and I immediately called my mom, who explained to me, that yes, this was indeed, a panic attack. It was not fun. My second one came a week later. I thought someone had died - even though no one had died. That's how panicked I was. This immense sense of worry. The puke cry. The heart pounding through your chest. Unable to find a breath and searching aimlessly. This is a thing now I guess?
I thought about fighting a girl this weekend and stopped myself. I left. I immediately left that social situation. That isn't me anymore. I no longer believe in any forms of violence and as soon as I felt that part of me building up I got the fuck out of there. My mind terrifies me sometimes but I'm working on it.
It's disgusting outside and there's nowhere to walk.
I'm poor and need money.

Send beer, bye.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Thoughts with BPM.

BPM was such a remarkable experience for me. There is such a close-knit sense of community that follows this festival, and everyone seems to be there for the music. When I heard about the shooting that happened last night, I was beyond disbelief. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? At truly one of the most loving festivals where everyone gets along? I remember waiting for a while as my bags were searched before entering *most* venues but I imagine security will get a lot tighter. Truly saddened for the 5 who lost their lives, as well as the 15 injured, and so thankful friends who went are okay.
Things like this should not be happening. It is so scary to think that these happy times can change so quickly. Blue Parrot holds such good memories for me, and now for others - the memories are so tragic.

Beyond devastated, I hope everyone affected by this finds their peace. Love to the BPM community.

Thursday, January 5, 2017


Still a baddie doe.


I'm 29. Where did that come from?
How did we get here?

My birthday always comes with the "excitement" of the new year, because it's.. at the beginning of the new year. The feelings are always fumbly. I've never really liked New Year's. It's expensive, it's usually shitty, and the ball gowns and champagne are usually filled with too much money spent and cheap ambiance smelling of low grade alcohol that is somehow selling for $12 a glass. I also usually lose something.. and occasionally cry.

Anyway. That part is *somewhat* over, and now we're here, at January 4th. I'd like to join the hate wagon for 2016, and that is generally where I usually find myself - "Man, this year sucked". We all do that, don't we? We try to shit on the last year in hopes that it will feed our energy for the next one. HELL YA THIS IS GONNA BE MY YEAR. Ha. My thoughts are bouncing. I feel like I still don't have my shit together. So, in order to cover up what could be detrimental to my feel good at 29 birthday party (sitting on my couch sifting through rap music), here are a bunch of things I'm thankful for:
  • Changed the blog layout. WE DID IT.
  • New York - twice. Attended a warehouse party in Brooklyn which changed my life. Made new connections and immersed myself in old ones. 
  • Toronto - forever my second home. Islands, walks, beaches, shops, AND ALL OF THE NAPS.
  • Victoria - first time! A ton of hiking, a ton of forests, and visiting my grandma's home - ugh. She had all these amazing toys from her childhood that I could appreciate better as an adult. She had pictures of family I hadn't seen or maybe forgotten. What a way to paint memories. 
  • Mexico - more hikes and forests! Kayaking, food, music, and family.
  • Beat my blog posts from 2015! By one entry!
  • I fully paid off my driver's licence. Hell ya.
  • I went to counselling. It was helpful.
  • I rowed in the dragon boat competition with such a fun group, and we placed well! We improved over and over again and it was brilliant.
  • I completed Mud Hero! A marathon with obstacle courses that was ridiculously fun. I took two girls with me and we kicked ass.
  • Threw a masquerade fundraiser with a team of phenom people. We worked hard for a few months and were able to pull in a bunch of performers and it was a great success.
  • Held a successful project of random acts kindness, where we were able to distribute 3,500+ gifts to random strangers.
So.. good things did happen. I don't like resolutions because they terrify me. The thought of failing myself is too big to handle. I'd *like* to find motivation to blog more. I'd *like* to take more photos, take more videos. I'd *like* to attend a music festival. I'd *like* to take a hike with my boyfriend. I'd *like* to improve my home and organize my chaos into something more manageable. 

Those things would be nice. Last year to say I'm in my twenties. First year to really do shit.

Let's get thankful.