Wednesday, March 30, 2011





I can't fucking stand the word "panty-hose". Grossest word ever. I hate the word "panties" too. No fucking thanks.
Almost every day for the past while now, I've been looking up vacations. I. Can't. Fucking. Stop. I have this madly overpowering urge that keeps yelling, "I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE". & it develops into the tallest tree of urge every day. Soon I'll have a fucking forest. I just need "me" time. Not to say I don't LOVE taking vacations with my boyfriend either. I just need some time to be Botch, and to clear my head of everything that's happened in March.
I'm pissed off at anyone and everyone. I feel like everyone's a lying piece of shit, and they're a waste of breath. I feel like everyone is selfish. Minus cudder, he's top notch right now. In fact, he's the only one keeping my head on my shoulders. If it weren't for dude, I'd be pushing everyone, telling them all, "you're too fucking close to me!!!". Sounds drastic, but that's how I feel right now.
I'm in a good mood too right now.. which is weird. It's a perfect balance between hating everyone and being at peace. I am currently on the last $40 of the money to my name which is a kick to the fucking face. I fully hate everyone who keeps braggin' about "I bought so much shit the other day! You should see all my dresses and lipstick!". Bitch, shut the fuck up. You don't work, you don't pay rent, and you live with your mom and dad. Come talk to me when you have grown up bills you fuckin prick.
Ugh, I'm just bitter at how hard things can be when you're trying to make life.. better.
I guess maybe we put all our frustration of having to "get things done" into anger. It's probably like that because it's easier.. or maybe I'm just rambling and making excuses for myself. Every single thing that I wanted to do today, got shot to shit. I went to my grandpa's niche today.. Is it called a niche? My grandmother got everyone in our family these bracelets. Each bracelet had our names on them. I placed mine with my grandpa's ashes today. She gave each of us them so that we were reminded that we were a family unit. That we are all tied together. Everyone decided to put theirs in grandpa's niche, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not. When it came down to the final moment, my game time decision was to put it in there.. I guess just so i could leave that piece with him. My wrist feels a little lonely, and call me crazy, but I feel a little lonely. That feeling might come just from how hard it was to say goodbye.
Afterward I was feeling sick (yes, still), and went to the truck. I cried silently and we went to eat. I said goodbyes to the family that had to head to the airport and my aunt gave me a gift. They were letters that my dad had written my grandpa before I was born. She said being the writer that I have them. I haven't been that touched and warmed in a long time.
After that I sat and waited at a 2pm appointment. I was sick and my head was speaking and this stupid office had a tv that wasn't on and no music. Forgetting my headphones at home, it made the next hour feel like five. My cousin got sick and had to leave, and I was sicker so after an hour waiting my appointment got re-scheduled.. which was an annoyance. I've been waiting a month to get this done, and it got moved again another week. I'm thinking I'll just go somewhere else tomorrow because dealing with that is another "fuck this shit" that I refuse to go through.

I don't know what I fucking want right now, seriously. I want a fucking beach vacation and everyone to stop expecting me to be there for them when no one is there for me. I am sick of people fucking interrupting my stories and making them THEIR stories. I'm sick of biting my fucking tongue so they can finish the story that they stole from my story time. I'm sick of giving everyone a chance when no one's giving me one. & MAINLY, I'm sick of people fucking doubting me.

I don't even care if I'm alone at this point. I don't care if no one calls, or texts, or if I'm at home reading a book. That's fine by me, I'm fine with who I have. The only thing I want, is for everyone to stop asking for a cup of sugar, when I'm the one who's always baked the cookies. How you gonna do that and not offer me a cookie? That's the best analogy I can think of right now.. but to put it blatantly, fuck all you stupid mothah suuuckkahs.

Vaycay comin this April. That's the word.

I'll try and do some happy posts now lol.

Sorry, but my name is Botch.. and THIS IS MY BLOG.


Anonymous said...

im calling right now! hot momma!!