LIFE, LOVE, STRESS AND SET BACKS

MOST OF THESE BLOG ENTRIES I WRITE, THAT THESE PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE, ARE ABOUT YOU.. AND HOW I LET YOU INFECT MY LIFE. & IF THEY GOT TO KNOW YOU, I DOUBT THAT THEY WOULD SEE IT. THEY'D WONDER WHAT I SHOWED YOU, HOW YOU COULD LEAVE IT.

THROWBACK THURSDAY

THE EX-BOYFRIEND EDITION

you know, i try not to write too much about this one guy.. just because it's like "fuck, really?! are we really doing this right now?!". but here's the thing. every relationship molds you. every relationship teaches you something about yourself, that you never knew.. and as much as i hate it, this guy was no fuckin' different..
i'm skipping a few ex-boyfriends that were right after jim (my last exboyfriend post which you can view HERE).. SO for the sake of no confusion, we'll call dude .. john. i'm only skipping them because this is an entry that i've been avoiding.. and i need to just do it. soo, let us begin.

i met john through a friend.. and i was introduced to him about .. i'd say a month before we started dating. it was a house party, we were both drunk, and we ended up hooking up.
no fuckin fairy tale sugar coating bull shit there.. it was purely and solely bull shit from the very fuckin' start. fuck. i'm already pissed off, let me light a cigarette.

i was very distraught about my break up with the guy who was right before john.. (of whom, i'll write about next thursday).. like i was a fuckin' wreck. i got myself into a sticky situation where i wanted everything just to go back to being awesome. john was sort of a quick fix. we started out as nothing.. just hanging out. well, since i was heartbroken about exboyfriend number 2, i kind of used john to make everything all better.

do i sound mad? well i guess i'm a little pissed. every action has a point, five points make a fist.

this relationship started off rocky as fuck. he was a liar from the very beginning, and i forced myself to cling on to the fact that he wasn't. three months deep, we faced what would become our biggest and most common downfalls. he stole money from me. around $300.. but dude was smart. he knew how to twist the story to make a girl feel like it wasn't theft. he made it become a "loan" and that was fine by me. after his bull shit story of how he needed it more than i did, i believed him.. and i believed he would pay me back.
that same downfall, became routine.. and other problems soon followed. the fights got worse. screaming til your lungs hurt, and crying til my cheeks burned from tears were routine. i was used to it. i felt stuck, trapped.. in something i didn't believe to be reality. i kept on telling myself that things would get better. i kept telling myself that people could change.
.. and soon, i told myself that i loved him. i think that every girl has that nurturing instinct in them. that piece of girl that wants to change people. that wants to bring out the good in a bad person, and that's exactly what i thought i was doing.
between him buying me extravagant "i'm sorry" presents.. between him telling me how i was the greatest thing in his life. between him hurting me, there was belief, and hope. i liked how the world didn't know. i liked how the world would see this gangster ass mother fucker who bought his girlfriend everything, who would take her out. but it wasn't like that. behind close doors, there was broken dishes, there were tears, and there was a shit load of "i'm sorry's". "it'll never happen again" happened again. then the doors would open again.
this shit went on for two years. two years of a cheater. two years of a professional liar.. TWO YEARS.. until we finally reached our biggest down fall. this mother fucker wouldn't even fucking hold my hand in public. NOPE. he would buy me computers, he would buy my cell phones, but he wouldn't fucking hold my hand.
AND ALL OF THAT MONEY.. all of that fucking money, was dirty. i grew to love a dude that was addicted to fuckery, except that it wasn't love. "love" was a lie. love was me wanting to be a fucking princess, hoping that dude would finally man up.. and own his shit. that dude would finally become what he was in front of people, and that the door would remain open.. for the better.

this entry keeps circling back and forth between nowhere and nothing but i can't seem to find the words to say what i want to say.

i don't know how to say it to help you to feel what i felt, but i'll try so to the best of my ability.

basically.. about a month before we broke up.. i started to find out about the cheating. girls started telling me themselves. i put it aside, figuring, "they're just jealous bitches with too much time on their hands".. that was, until i started catching it myself. i started seeing the calls, the emails, the pictures!! FUCKING PICTURES.. and dummy little me, still told myself, he loves me.
he would come home, never. he would call me, never.. and when we were together, it was a quick fuck with no conversation. he would be all strung out off coke and i replaced sleep with crying.

i was shamed, and i didn't want anyone to know. i didn't want anyone to think that i was stupid.. i wanted everyone to believe that everything was okay.. and if i kept up with that, i would probably still be with him. it took him hurting someone close to me for me to finally leave.
it took me losing $8000 and a car, to finally break away.

the last time i saw him was literally the day before i met my current boyfriend. he gave me $40, all the money he had at the moment (according to him).. and he brought me food. what's crazy is, even after all of the bull shit he put me through every single fucking day.. i still fucking want what's best for him. on my first real date with my current boyfriend.. we were walking around downtown toronto.. and john called me. i took the fucking call.
it's stupid of me to still have this ounce of hope that john could actually change and better himself.. which i don't believe. i don't think he will ever change. i told him all i EVER want from him is to pay me back. i told him i don't give a fuck if it's $10 a week, i want what he took from me.. then i realize what he took from me was so much more than money, it was so much more than what i owned, it was so much more than what i wanted to believe. he took a piece of me with him.. and he left the fucking city, right when i did.. he had to. i don't think he'll ever go back to winnipeg, and that's fine with me. i just hope one day he realizes what he needs to do to fill that hole.

so.
with all of that bull shit on the fucking table.
let's say this the only way i know how..

dear john,
i got an idea, you should get a tattoo that says "warning". that's all, just a warning.. so the potential victim can take a left, and save breath, and avoid you sober and upset in the morning. i wanna scream "fuck you", but instead i'ma finish this smoke and have another while you think about how you used to be my lover.

i've finally closed the door with you on the other side.



peace.