Thursday, October 22, 2009



i dug this hole a long time ago. i think i was.. fifteen. i haven't stopped digging. i'm still here, looking for the treasure box.. but the treasure box is on the other side of the island. so what do you do?

you bring your readers a story.

i like to tell myself i know exactly what i want. i like to tell myself that i know who i am. i hold on to hip hop and sneakers with my fist tight, thinking "this is you. this is what you love." & other days i'm like, is this really what i love?! or do i just love it to love something.
the big dream is to become a writer. that's it, no back up plan.. but wait a second, is that what i really want?!
the goal is simple, career. have kids. introduce said children to nas. have the sickest nike loving hip hop heads on the block.. but how do i get there?!
same shit, every day. routine this, routine that. your room's a mess botch, clean it. work time still, do it. which shoes do i wear, throw em on. launudry, and fold it. music time, press play.
then you sit and wonder.. when is it time to change the track, cause i've been listening to the same song on loop and now that i know all the lyrics, i'm scared to throw a new cd in. once that new cd goes in, will i forget the lyrics to the other?!
i'm not good at doing things on my own. i don't need "push" but i crave it. the hands on my back shoving me forward are the only things that keep me stepping. otherwise i'd be in the same spot, forever.
i never really like change, unless it's bold. a simple swing of changing schools isn't enough for me, i like to change cities. i think bold change hits me harder.
i'm 21 years old, but it's been five years of being 17.. i feel like i need to grow up but i can't feel the hands on my back so i stand.. completely still.
&i'm not mad at that, nor am i complaining. i've trained my mind to enjoy what i have, and where i'm at, cause i'm not the only one digging a hole. in fact, some people are way deeper, and they don't have hands pushing their back.. they're not even sure if there's anything in that hole, but they keep digging for that hope of faith that what they want will.. pop up. i'm not like that. sometimes i think that okay, things will just happen. some days i think, nah you gotta work hard for it.. and it's an endless tug-of-war between the two.. i'm in the process of training my mind to do both, because no matter how i get to where i want to be, once i reach that point, i can expect satisfaction.
i'm happy. completely. everything is solid. i just feel it's time to step out of the hole and start digging another.. and yo, if this is the wrong spot again, i'm completely cool with that. trial and error are the only things that bring you surprise.. and i need surprise.
i'm really looking forward to tuesday, because my bags will be packed and i'll be starting something completely new, and completely different. i'm not expecting to hop off an airplane and have all new adventures make me who i am.. but i am expecting to find out a little more about what i'm about.. new adventures, new stories, new life.. and i couldn't be any more ready. it's time to breathe botch, grab a shovel.

esco, let's go.


Maribeth said...

I'm really excited for this new whole your about to dig.
It'll be a great one fsure. You'll see things that'll stop you in your tracks and take your breath away for good and unfortunately sometimes bad reasons. But whatever the cause, I know that it'll give you a new zest for life (not that you don't have a lot of it already - practically rage everyday lol)
You deserve this vacation more then anyone I know, and I'm really glad on top of that your sis and Chris are getting married. How perfect is that? =D

1 month Botcholess... wtf am I gonna do. I'll just be twiddling my fingers over here... do dooo doooo

Anonymous said...

u deserve it all botch!

syntifik said...

maribeth you almost made me crrryyy.
RAGE EVERY DAY! yagerbommbbbbsss.. everyboddehhh!!

anonymous; dope yo, thank you.