Tuesday, January 18, 2011



today, i'm sad. i'm pretending not to be sad. i think i fooled most, only two people guessed i was. tomorrow i'm taking the day just.. to be sad. i feel like being sad is okay sometimes.
if shit happens, and it upsets you. fuck it, let it upset you for awhile. i'm not gonna let it eat me, but i won't bottle it up either. whaaatttttt theee fuuucckkkk is going onnnn.. can i just make up my mind already..!

i went for a swim today.. i haven't swam for a year now, so it felt really good.. but i am also reeeally sore. when i was a kid, my dad built a pool in our yard. a decent size pool, 8 ft deep. i would swim from the time i woke up, til it was time for bed. i couldn't help but bring back past memories in the pool today. i envisioned him in my head too many times, and it huuurt.. but it also felt good. like a re-connecting type feeling.
people don't listen to me. i mean, they hear me.. but they really don't listen. i feel like everyone i try to talk to about me, interrupts me two seconds in and turns my stories into something about them. & when i try and take it back, they get offended. like hello, you stole my thunder.. which makes me just want to be alooone. i just need alone time.
no one gets it. they think it's easy.. and i wanna challenge everyone on that. i want to take everyone and place them here. right here.. and see how well they handle it. i make it look easy.. and fuck if that's cocky, i do. i make it look fucking easy.. but it's not.

i don't wanna complain about it either. i don't. i don't like when people take one sad moment and take it as a sign of weakness, or "baby-ness", for a lack of a better term. i put up with a lot of fucking shit.

i smell like chlorine. i'm out of cigarettes. i want to sleep all night and all day.. and let my mind wander.. sometimes all you need is a day, you know. a day just to say "fuck everything" before you get back up again.

i hate people who step out of my life, and then wander in when they need me.
fuck outta here with that shit. you in-considerate fucks.

i'm a nice person, really.. i am. aren't i?

i just wanna cry.

mom says to never cry.

i love her. why can't i be more like mom!? why can't i be this strong woman who takes everything with stride?! why do i gotta take people's shit?! why do i take their shit?! why do i let people run me over. being such a mouthy and strongly opinionated person, you'd think i'd have the fucking balls to be like "you know what, no. you're wrong. fuck you!".. and i guess i do.. but some days i don't.. and some days.. that fucking kills me..

and i feel like all of this is coming out as a blurb .. as shit that doesn't make sense.. and that's because i can't figure it out. i can't fucking figure it out.. i don't even know what i'm REALLY feeling, it's just not a good one, and i just don't like it. there.

i just don't like it.

i. just. don't. like. it.

so what?! here. nothing.

try and say what you're thinking and feeling without having people think you're fucking psychotic.. but back-track. that's not what this is for, this is for me.

chin up. head strong. be okay tomorrow. just.. be okay.

i don't even wanna really .. i just.. i just want.. something. i just want something. i won't say what something is, not even sure if i REALLY know what something is, but i'll say that i want it.. and i'll do everythingin my power, to get it.. if.. i know how.

& if anyone reads this wrong, fuck you.

my name is botch, & this.. is my blog.. or some shit.


Anonymous said...

I looove you all day everydayyy *hug

- Bonibelle

Anonymous said...

I love you, and your blog is amazing. And, you're amazing. And the things you write are amazing. And seeing your tags while struttin downtown Toronto is amazing :)

Hauling my backpack after a long day of school is worth it just to come home and read your blog.
I'm not a stalker, but you really are someone I feel like is my friend. Thank you.

syntifik said...

bonibelle: i love you too..

#2: no no no, thank YOU. <3 coolest comment ever.. no joke