...

It's been at least another year

And still I haven't got the chance to say
Always rolling off the tongue
Never said but nearly sung about a million ways
Every photograph and story
Trickled through the lengthy web of friend
I over thought but understood
Distant look but looking good
And not the other way

But you fail to remember
Do I still cross your mind?

Your face still distorts the time
With heat struck afternoons long through
Those idle dreams go back to you
The echo's seem somewhat displaced
Ever further from your face, I'm drifting off to
Bored of mere flirtations
That's what's made of constellations that I've sought

Was this only in my head
Just like most things go misread
When overthought

But you fail to remember
Do I still cross your mind?
Your face still distorts the time

APRIL 2020

Enjoy.

REMEMBER.

As I navigate my way through Covid-19, I often find myself bouncing back and forth between the healing and the hollering. I found that as people began working from home, or not working at all, they found time to reestablish connections with people they've been missing. I did too. I'm still working but two other places I help support were work from home which meant there were days they required less of me. I started connecting with people and these online chats were so wonderful and time flew by, but they were long. Then I found myself behind in reports I had to write and commitments I made.
Even with these online connections, it's incredibly lonely. I'm so alone, and it's poetic. I long deeply for kisses and conversations, hugs, and just taking in the smell of someone so deep that you never want to let them go. It's been a long time without someone, though I'm content on my own, I miss having someone. You see? Bouncing.

After long exhausting days, I'd sit down on my bed and face two realms of guilt. The first: you don't have enough time to take this break, look at your list of things to do. The second: you're going to take 5 minutes when you could be creating/working out/cleaning? Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. I couldn't shake the feeling. My mind was spinning with the "have-to"'s.

So I switched gears. I stopped opening messages of memes, I deleted messaging apps. I told people I was busy, and I said no. I was selfish. I needed to be. I took a bath (selfishly) and made some choices. All this pressure to come out of this pandemic a "better person" because you might not "have this chance/time" again, along with the added pressure of "wanting to change the world". We can't do it to ourselves. Deliver a care package. Clean the closet. Watch movies all day. Cry for a few hours. None of these are wrong. There is no "right way" to do this. And if you need a moment, take it for yourself and share your experience with someone you trust, or the internet, so others know that they're allowed their moment too. I'm taking mine now, because I need to start feeling like myself again. Basically my hot take is: feeling pressured? Don't. So maybe you shouldn't listen to me at all!

Oh, and with the first day I took for myself, I created something.

Xo
B.

I, SURRENDER.

Let's go to the movies, get a coffee
You need to know me
Talk a walk on the river
And melt in your company

Maybe it's the fact that I connected this song to the current world covid situation right now, or maybe it's just one of those songs.

This song made me cry a million tears. I lost it. I lost it! I absolutely lost it. This song broke my heart.

I hope we get a movie and a coffee soon.


Xx

March 2020 Playlist

My cousin and a friend of mine make monthly playlists, and I look forward to them every month. There's something that got lost as our need for immediacy increased. Everything is shared so quickly, but it isn't really shared. We're sent videos, but we watch 10 seconds of it before we move on to the next thing. There was a time when we shared mixtapes. You didn't "skip" tracks, because you couldn't. You could fast forward, sure, but did you ever? I didn't! Something about Leslie and Suraj sharing these carefully curated playlists that tugged on my mixtape heart strings, and they provided the pencil to wind me back up so I could hold enough attention to listen.

I'm sharing what I listened to the past month. I find myself often jumping around to different genres, something I've always done. I enjoy going to the ballet, I enjoy grunge-type pubs, I enjoy dimly lit lounges that serve overpriced cocktails, so why should my music taste be any different?



If you have any suggestions on what I should call this monthly series, let me know. And if you have anything you'd like to send my way, send itttttttt!

Xo,

B