Saturday, May 2, 2020


As I navigate my way through Covid-19, I often find myself bouncing back and forth between the healing and the hollering. I found that as people began working from home, or not working at all, they found time to reestablish connections with people they've been missing. I did too. I'm still working but two other places I help support were work from home which meant there were days they required less of me. I started connecting with people and these online chats were so wonderful and time flew by, but they were long. Then I found myself behind in reports I had to write and commitments I made.
Even with these online connections, it's incredibly lonely. I'm so alone, and it's poetic. I long deeply for kisses and conversations, hugs, and just taking in the smell of someone so deep that you never want to let them go. It's been a long time without someone, though I'm content on my own, I miss having someone. You see? Bouncing.

After long exhausting days, I'd sit down on my bed and face two realms of guilt. The first: you don't have enough time to take this break, look at your list of things to do. The second: you're going to take 5 minutes when you could be creating/working out/cleaning? Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. I couldn't shake the feeling. My mind was spinning with the "have-to"'s.

So I switched gears. I stopped opening messages of memes, I deleted messaging apps. I told people I was busy, and I said no. I was selfish. I needed to be. I took a bath (selfishly) and made some choices. All this pressure to come out of this pandemic a "better person" because you might not "have this chance/time" again, along with the added pressure of "wanting to change the world". We can't do it to ourselves. Deliver a care package. Clean the closet. Watch movies all day. Cry for a few hours. None of these are wrong. There is no "right way" to do this. And if you need a moment, take it for yourself and share your experience with someone you trust, or the internet, so others know that they're allowed their moment too. I'm taking mine now, because I need to start feeling like myself again. Basically my hot take is: feeling pressured? Don't. So maybe you shouldn't listen to me at all!

Oh, and with the first day I took for myself, I created something.



Anonymous said...

I felt that