Sunday, September 29, 2013


I've only been in love twice. I've loved three times, but as far as the whole "can't feel my face-just wanna be with you-you're heroin and cocaine-yes you're drugs-head over heels-insane-crazy-beautiful-I want to breathe you-devour myself in all of you-oh lawd can't stop" type of love, yeah. That's only been twice. There's a difference between being in love, and loving someone, and I can't pinpoint exactly what it is, but I'll tell you as much as I think/know. I think the whole loving someone, includes respect, truth, and a whole lot of wanting to spend time with that person. Now, being in love, includes pain, occasional lies, and effort. That's kind of fucked up, isn't it? I mean, shouldn't being in love be as lovely and skip through the field of daisies happy as loving? It isn't.
BUT, once you've been in love. The feeling is so over-powering that it's hard to let go of, no matter how tiring it can be at times. However, being in love, and loving, despite their differences, do share a common denominator.. you can't pick it.
Some people talk about love at first sight, which I have never personally experienced. I have started loving and then grown to be in love. It's been a rollercoaster of tears and pain and hurts and fuck you's. The good's though, the good's. The hand holding, and the listening, and the laughing, and the breakfasts and lunches, and days of laying in bed not even talking.. outweigh everything. Being in love requires you be best friends, it requires you to love flaws, it's attraction, and lust, and sex, and hip hop shows, and movies, and the devouring I first opened with.

I can't be that to you, and I'm sorry. I'm working on loving myself right now, and I'm also in love right now. Now, my current relationship is nowhere near perfect, but I believe in it. And after all of.. everything, it's helping me to love myself, and if you can find that, you stick to it.

I'm fully sorry if I ever led you to believe that I could be more than your friend. You were truly one of the nicest, most supportive people to enter my world. Don't doubt that you weren't a part of my world, don't doubt your importance. It existed. You were an amazing friend, and I hate that I was hurting you this whole time.

Conquer the world, explore new restaurants, meet new people, show up at a party, don't ever question what people think of you, just be a good person and I promise everything will go great for you. And the future girl that snags you is so lucky, so stay golden, for yourself and for her.


Anonymous said...

What happens when you realize the one you thought just a friend and later thought it was that person along?? What happens if they find someone would question the fact it could have been you? But I guess we never know until it happens right ..

syntifik said...

If that was a motto I followed, I wouldn't be able to have any friends. We make our choices, then our choices make us. Missed connections are a part of life, but I really don't see myself heading down that path with dude. You can't force feelings, and mine just aren't there, they're with someone else. I would never just "try something". You need chemistry, and attraction, and that doesn't seep outside a friendship.