Thursday, April 29, 2010

I DON'T FEEL GOOD.



http://www.iwillremember.ca/garyboittiaux

i can't open my left eye. my allergies have completely taken over my body. i don't know what to do. i'm sick of taking medications, nothing's fix it.. and i'm sick of seeing doctors that keep feeding me medications that aren't doing anything for me. i'm itchy and embarrassed and don't want to see anybody. i can't stop crying because i feel like crap.. and that's shameful because it's nothing to cry about.. and today is my dad's day.. and i miss him like crazy.. and time doesn't do anything. it still feels like the very first day i had to say goodbye.




i changed the song to one he used to sing on early mornings. every morning was the same. every day felt the same.. and i was fine with that. i remember waking up to the sound of my dad in the shower and my mom turning up the weather channel so she could sing along with it. she'd dress me while i was sleeping, and he'd come out of the shower in a towel to ask me what shirt was better as i opened my eyes slow. it was normal for me to wake up in their bed. at night time i'd leave my room to get in between my mom and dad. it was a safe zone from night mares and monsters.
my mom would change the channel to morning cartoons and start cooking breakfast. you'd think we'd be sick of the grilled cheese sandwiches by now, but we weren't. she'd throw them on to a paper towel and we'd be off.. ready to face the day. gotta grab my sister and my brother. both would have their music blasting as they got ready.. and we'd head to the garage. me in the middle, my sister behind my dad who was in the driver's, and my brother behind my mom. pulling out my dad always put his arm behind my mom's passenger, an essential when pulling out.. it was easier to look behind you.. but as a kid, i didn't see that. i saw that as my dad saying how much he loved my mom.



the three of us would all make fun of each other. my mom would tell us to stop, and my dad would follow my mom, whilst smiling though. almost to say that we were comedians. drop my sister off at daniel mac and my brother at sargent park.. and then to bueno brothers, where i spent my morning before i went to school.
this was mine and my dad's time. after everyone greeted my parents with their good morning's, i ran to the back office. artwork from a four year old wall-papered his office walls, and he put a tv back there so i could watch inspector gadget. he'd do his paperwork while i made more artwork.. and we'd have conversations about absolutely nothing. as it came time for me to go to kindergarten, he'd grab a tapioca pudding, our favorite.. and we'd share it on the walk to school.. "goodbye princess" and a kiss on the cheek. i was his "little princess", and he was my "superman". & it was all too easy.
it was a routine. it was the same every day.. and it was perfect. i miss you.
time will never change how much i miss you.



every day, every single day daddy. i remember. i will always remember. i love you. i miss you. i love you, i miss you.. and i just can't .. do this right now.

3 COMMENT:

Merrybeth said...

i think its time you take that allergy test. forget that stupid cream and spend your money on something that can give you definitive answers.

i knew today was weird. especially when i tried to call you earlier and couldn't get a hold of you. i just wanted to say that I love your dad for having and raising you and your fam. You all are so amazing and are a blessing to have as friends, which is why I think his love and memory continues to live on. may he continues to rest and peace.

love ya botch. and i hope you get better soon.

- maribeth

jHeffff said...

Hey I always wondered about your dad...mirror image of your bro, but you knew that already. I don't look like my dad as much they look alike.

I was around Bueno a lot when I was younger, my dad's been baking bread forever, and I can only remember your mom for some reason. And the Casa Bueno days I'd be there at least once a month for a party, me and my sister both had our 7th bdays there.
I remember that one room upstairs. I always peaked in because I knew they had the Super Nintendo hooked up. But Patrick, and i think Melvin, would never let me in...I would cry and ask my mom for money for the arcades in the corner. good times though. I bet you were there everytime I was there.

allergies are gay. you should wear gloves like babies do so they don't scratch themselves.

syntifik said...

thanks guys! xoxo.

maribeth: i love you too! i'm surely still itchy but i can open my eye now.. so i think that's progress?
sorry for the missed phone calls. i was in a shitty ass mood. i turned my phone to silent and fell asleep to my mom playing with my hair.. it was something kind of magical.

jheff: haha i was there all the time. we must've played at some point. i knew all the good hiding spots when it came to hide and seek.. and if it makes you feel any better, i wasn't allowed to play the super nintendo either, AND IM A BUENO. .. but that's because i only went to the stage where mario just keeps breaking blocks.. i loved star world.

i don't think the gloves would do me no good. my boyfriend keeps slapping my hand down when he sees me scratch but he's leaving the city on tuesday so i don't know what i'm gonna do lol