the celebration of my grandpa will happen tomorrow at cropo on main street at 1pm. thank you once again for all the support everyone has shown for my family and I. love to those who can't be there, love to those attending, and love to the sky. i appreciate all of you, near or far.. and i wish my arms were long enough to hug all of you at once. xo.

GRANDPA.

Grandpa opening a tie I gave him for his birthday about three years ago.

GOODBYES.

Funeral services will be Sunday March 27th @ 1pm @ CROPO.
Thank you to everyone who has been the strongest rocks of my foundation at this time.
Your generosity and support has been more than amazing. xoxo

Grandpa, dad, my brother, and baby Botch. The main men in my life tied into one photo.
J'adore.

My grandpa, grandma and my aunts and uncles. my dad is the shorter one standing to the left. This photo is all sorts of wonderful.

GRANDPA, THIS IS HOW YOU THROW UP FOR WU-TANG.

CLOSER THAN MOST TO YOU.

IT'S SO LOUD INSIDE MY HEAD WITH WORDS THAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID. AS I DROWN IN MY REGRETS, I CAN'T TAKE BACK THE WORDS I NEVER SAID.

I got a call, Sunday afternoon. It was my uncle, I said "Hey I'm actually busy, can you call me back in ten?". A few minutes later I got a text that read "Are you ok?", from my cousin. I said "Why?". That's when I got the text that read, "grandpa died last night love". I felt sick, how did I ignore that initial call? I dropped everything and went into the office. My fingers started dialing. I called my mom. I tried telling her, but couldn't. I couldn't breathe. Between words of "Mom, I fucked up, what the fuck?! I'm so fucking selfish, I'm so fucking greedy, I'm so fucking important that I didn't take the time to say goodbye. I had the chance and didn't". She didn't have the time to react. She couldn't. She had to play the role of a mom who was calming her daughter down.
I've been spending every minute since between the feeling of numbness and the feeling of angst and regret.. and the feeling of just how stupid I've been, and how this has all been.. and all of the fights my grandpa and I have been through.. and how many times he told me he was sorry, and how many times I chose not to forgive him. How many times we've yelled, and cried.. AND HOW MANY TIMESSSS.. and how good or bad.. and how I can't have any of them.. ever.. again, ever.
& that's all shot to shit because of a greedy little girl who never took TIME out of her own petty life, to accept that REGARDLESS of everything you ever did to her, REGARDLESS.. you were still mine, and I was still yours.

and if the cleaning til my hands crack and bleed won't wash away this pain, then I can only hope that the cigarettes and tear soaked pillows will empty my body of it. I'm so sorry, and I don't know what to do.. and I miss you so much, and please don't ever forget that every good time is over-shadowing every hard time.. because you mean that to me! I don't care about any of it. I don't care about any wrongs, or any names, or any of that stupid shit that made our words clash. I don't care.

I love you soooo much. So much. Please know that forever, please don't feel like I left you.. even if it's from up there.. I love you. I love you. I love you.

& it's like this. It's like this!?

It's like this.

I can't function. & when I am functioning it's soul-less. My mind isn't there. I'm not sure when I'll get back, and I don't want to as of right now. You once told me, "you're just a drop of water in this glass", and I said, "grandpa, I'm the drop that makes it spill over". I can't keep thinking of it.. I don't feel like the spill over drop right now. I was always late to meet you, always latee.. and whenever I said, "Better late than never", you would say "Never late is better". NEVER LATE IS BETTER. I'm so sorry for being late. I'm sooooo numb.. and I don't know who to turn to, or who to call.. or.. if I even should. Just empty. Just blank...... just.. sad.



Before everything; I'll always remember the times we laughed together, first.

FRIDAY LIVING.

although bad week is over, and bad week is going to continue for awhile.. i am taking a load off this weekend. every time i look at my dog, i start crying. i spent today playing with his ears. they're so soft. putting a dog down is never easy, and neither is saying goodbye to a family member.. but this is where i am right now. this is my life. this is how things are. suck it up botch, deal with it.
i've battled a tough week, and it wasn't easy, and i am ready to take a break from it all. putting things aside momentarily doesn't make me a bad person, and i believe that. moving forward from things works for me, and i plan on sticking to that.
i didn't have fun this week, it was pure mentality build, so no picture post today. i spent the week maintaining myself, balancing my moods, crying into pillows, and having phone conversations with my mom. that's completely fine by me. i find peace in knowing that what's happening to me now might hurt like fuck, but it's also happening for a reason. two souls who mean the world to me are preparing themselves to leave the world.. and although death isn't new to me, having a chance to say goodbye is.. and if i'm thankful for anything, i'm thankful for that.

i will have a good weekend. i will spend it with my grandpa, my friends, and my dog, edy. i deserve it now more than ever, and i am looking forward to it. tears might flow, but so will the music, so will the conversations, so will the cuddling, and so will the beer.. i will not complain, so instead.. i will live.

"lets end this absolute shit week by forgetting it. with booze." - aggie sems.

IF HEAVEN WAS A MILE AWAY..

WOULD I FILL UP THE TANK WITH GAS AND BE OUT THE FRONT DOOR IN A FLASH BEFORE RECONSIDERING THIS HELL WITH YOU..
i try not to complain a lot. i try really hard.. but some days, you get slapped in the face.. and on those days, i'll take the time to ask, "what the fuck?".
there are some things that i don't tell people. i'm a very open person, when you have a blog, you become one.. and i have no problem sharing experiences. i think it helps myself and people who have had the same experiences, to grow.. but some things, some things i keep to myself. some secrets are because i fear reactions (i shouldn't), some are because i don't want experiences to become excuses, and some are because they're meant to stay secrets.
my mom has taught me many things. the top three are never cry, everything happens for a reason, and "you're a fighter, we're survivors". when my dad passed, my mom spent her nights crying.. talking to my dad. i would spend nights beside her bedroom door, listening. when her crying became too hard to bare, i'd come in, and i'd hug her. i'd lay on her chest, listening to her heart beat, feeling her tears against my head. i was seven, and at the time, i got it. i got that my dad wasn't coming back, i got that it hurt her, i got that i had to be there for her, the only thing i didn't get was why. each night was the same, i'd tell her it'd be okay, even though i wasn't sure if it would, and she'd wrap her arms around me. & no matter how weak she seemed, her grip was so tight. to this day, i can pinpoint every second of every night, and exactly how each moment felt. i rarely cried. how could i. how could i cry in front of her, she needed me. when my mom regained enough in her to go back to work, that's when i cried. i would lay in her bed, on her side, never my dad's, and i'd stare at his. it was then, that i cried.. it was years before i actually talked to her about him.. and when that happened, we switched roles.. and she was the one telling me not to cry. i remember the first day she told me not to cry.. she told me the reasoning, but right after she said "don't cry. never cry", that was all i needed. i knew i believed her, and i knew she was right. not to say we don't do it, the words are almost there just to keep our heads above water.
everything happens for a reason. truthfully no matter how bad things ever got, things really do always happen for a reason. i fully believe in this and i'm fully grateful she taught me such. sometimes i don't agree with the reason, and sometimes i wanna spit in the universe's fucking face, but it's gonna do what it does regardless.
"you're a fighter, we're survivors", because no matter what, we're in it together. my mom is my rock.. and she is the strongest woman on this earth, and i know that. she has been through so much, and if you think i got this potty mouth on me all on my own you're mistaken. my mom may never swear, but she definitely taught me not to take shit from anybody. & the experiences that we've been through have always been things we've tackled together. we're a team.. and if we've overcome all these times we've been shit on, we can definitely keep going. & i know that, thanks to her. if i had a PENNY for every time she told me, "you're a fighter, we're survivors", i'd be a fucking billionaire.
i'm not really sure how i feel about death anymore. i've been through so much of it but i'm still not sure i understand it. i'm almost, numb to it now. not good at it, just numb to it. i'm not good at goodbyes either.. so you can imagine the numbness that chilled my body today when i found out i had to say goodbye to my grandpa. he's still here, just not for long. i'm struggling to find a way to set up a phone call to the hospital from ontario, and struggling to put on my best, "never cry", and struggling to carry my mom, my family, through this.
my grandpa and i always struggled to get along. as much as he loves me, and i know that, he's really old-fashioned, and REALLY french. our opinions differed, and our words clashed. we often found ourselves fighting with words, and it wasn't until a family dinner we finally reconciled. he apologized to me, in front of everybody.. i accepted. no matter what happens, or how many wrongs have occured, it didn't change the fact that he was my grandpa, and i LOVED him. i love him.
i am spending the weekend at the hospital. i am working on my french, and most importantly, i'll be spending it with my grandpa. papa, je vous aime. reste fort, nous pouvons le faire a noel si nous essayons.