TUNE.

Let me get something out in the open, I am a hip hop enthusiast ALWAYS, but I dip my hand in other genres A LOT. Now when hip hop people tell me they don't like house music, I'm like.. um.. do you like Kaytranada? Childish Gambino? KANYE?!!?!!!

That's what I thought. Get your learned on.





Can always count on Eton Messy for blessing us with the tunes. WOWHOWHOW. HOLD THE PHOONEEE AND LISTEN RIGHT THE FUCK UP. Loud loud loud.

"Um Botch, I did not see you at MEME". Um, yes I know I am very sick. Puking out my guts and getting cuddled by my mom so, just gonna have to listen to this and cry! It's cool, it's cool, it's cool.

TAKE ME TO THE MOON.

Still out here.

THE CURSE OF THE BLOGGER.

For 14 years I've been putting my life on the internet. Halt. I have definitely slowed down from such the past few years. I have many reasons.

People became too invested in my life. I say that with the least amount of arrogance possible. It actually wasn't even my life, it was in breaking my life. Everyone loves a gossip. Words I said would turn into things that weren't and people then turned into things that were.

Alex and I had a very hard time with the internet goons breathing down our backs. Watching our every move. We still do. I always knew that letting people in would be testing. However, I always thought that by letting people in, they would see me for what I was. That wasn't the case. No matter what you write, it can always be read differently. In turn, the person is read differently.

I've only ever written to document things that I felt I wanted to look back on. I wanted to write my name in cement and come back to the block years later, remembering the feeling of rebellion. Welp, I've never *actually* written my name in cement. I had the chance once, but chickened out. So, instead.. I blogged.

I find myself often facing this battle between rule breaking and rule obeying. For instance, at a pizza place the other day I brought the parmesan shaker to my table, quickly poured parm on my pizza and then ran back to bring the shaker to the counter because of the worry over a sign that said, "Please do not take shakers to table, they're for everyone to share!". There. Were. No. Other. Customers. In. The. Store. ..BUT STILL, I ran - in fear of the paper sign that told me I was rebelling. I've been the last to sneak into shows behind groups of friends, second guessing myself, and being the only one to get caught because I'm literally too slow due to second guessing and missing the door of opportunity. I've also been the one to convince people that climbing this fire escape to star gaze for a few hours was a good idea. I've had the courage to run backstage in attempts to meet inspiring musicians as soon as security turned for half a second.

.. but the internet?! Damn. What exactly are the rules here?!

For a time, I've sang vocabulary blog entries on heartbreak, love, loss and whatever I thought was revolving or destroying my tiny world. I'm trying to find a balance now between finding what's worth sharing, and what's worth keeping, mine. Not to say that blogging is no longer special to me. It really truly is. A lot of the time when I think of writing a post, my intent is to write a five sentence quick lil' blurb, as such was my intent tonight.. then we just go on and on, without editing! I'm sorry. Blogging obviously, truly, is so important to me. And right now, I truly have such special people in my life.. and they're mine. I'm going to scream it out to the world one day. Security's still watching me though, so I'd prefer to keep my private life, private.

The posts that often find their way to length usually sound off with, "Focusing on being better", or something silly like that.. and I hate to run the cliche.. but that's exactly what it is. There are parts of my life that are falling apart right now and there are parts that are really great. I've spent wayyyy too much money lately, so I'm just working on you know, working. On myself, on my career.

Sometimes you just gotta live it. And sometimes, you just gotta leave a person alone! Geezeeeee.

So if you were looking for a quick little summer update, um.. summer was weird, I'm shocked it's over. It kinda sucked at times. Whatever, I'm the Sad Girls Club President, but I for sure had a few good times. Is that enough?! I'll debate at some point whether I feel like giving more details, or maybe you won't hear from me until December! Who really knows?!

Thank you though, for the anonymous concern. The anonymous hate. We couldn't do it without you. Love you, bye.

LITTLE LIFE CURVE BALLS

Life throwing some crazy shade as of late. My garage was broken into. Again. My laptop keyboard isn't working. I'm straight up using a clickable keyboard app rn. My washing machine just broke and flooded my house. I mean if anyone was ever considering being financially dominated by me, or donating to some strange girl on the internet, now would be the perfect time. WHAT IS GOING ON?! Send life help. Send monies. Send booze. I really want to write a long rant, but I can't even bring myself to do that because clicking this stupid keyboard is taking forever.. heeeelllppppppppp mmmmmmeeeeeeee

This is truly no good for my panic attacks lemme telllll yoouuuu

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TIPS ON THE SAD.

Oh, hi there. I'm generally a very sad person. Which is crazy right?! Sure, sure. I do things, I go out and laugh, but a lot of the time, I'm screaming on the inside.. and after all of it, I usually go home and cry. Not all days are terribly sad, not all days are terribly good. However, for me, there are certain things that help contribute to which way my emotional strings will be pulled.

"ARE YOU OKAY?"

My least favorite. I HATE IT. People ask me this all the freaking time, and I can't stand it. There is nothing worse than being in a social environment, especially when you're having a great day, and someone asking, "You okay?". Ugh, yes. I mean, I was, now I'm just going over a billion situations in my head as to why you would ask me that. Do I look sad?! Am I acting weird? Should I be smiling more? I'm a people watcher. I like getting to places and observing, sometimes interaction is very little for me, despite me being somewhat of a social person. Plus, even if I'm feeling down, this question really doesn't really make me feel like opening up. It feels like a non-considerate pry. I know the intention may be good, but I'd prefer..

RECOGNIZING EMOTION

.. and you've already half way done it! I'm very picky with the people who I open up to, generally I tend to write more. Alors, when I do choose to share my sadness, it's nice to get some assurance. For instance, I was feeling really down about my Dad yesterday, and a friend who saw my instagram post, called me and said, "I'm sorry today is a rough one for you. If you're up for it, I'd love to hear what your Dad's faves were? What'd he like to eat?". UGH! Let's break that down. First, telling me my sadness is okay with, "I'm sorry today is a rough one for you". This validates my emotion. Next, "If you're up for it, I'd love to hear what your Dad's faves were..".  That, gave me the choice. The choice to choose whether I wanted to share a story or not.. and next, asking me to talk about my Dad. Sometimes when people ask me, "What's wrong?", I get so flustered because I don't know where to start. By asking for a specific something about my Dad, I wanted to talk about it, and I didn't even have to think. It also brought up positive memory, Dad LOVED T-bone steak.

DO NOT TURN THE STORY INTO YOUR OWN

I had a conversation a few weeks ago, where the person asked why I was sad (ugh) and when I answered that it was just a general sad day, they started talking about how I'm such a happy person, and they admired how happy I was when they were feeling shitty, which turned into how much of a worse time they're having, and how horrible things are for them. Trying to out-shine people is never a good conversation. WAIT. FOR. YOUR. TURN. I believe it's fine to share that you had similar experiences in dialogue, but you should never take over and story dump.

IMMEDIATE JOKES

They aren't for everyone. The meme can wait for an appropriate time. I love a good YouTube/meme, but at these times, they make me feel like you're not hearing what I'm saying, and you're not understanding what I'm trying to say.. which brings me to..

UNDERSTANDING

If you're not understanding, that's okay! Say so. I feel like I would be okay with someone saying something like, "I'm not sure I'm understanding what you mean by that, could you explain it a little more?".

HUG - sometimes

This is a *tricky* one for me. Sometimes an arm around the shoulder is nice, and sometimes hugs are nice, but it depends on the situation. I'd say go for it, but only if you have a good read and feel it's appropriate. Personally, I wouldn't be offended if someone asked me if I would like a hug, either. Body language is a good tell, too. If I feel a little stiff, it might be me a little uncomfortable. If my physical affection is shared, reciprocate.

PLAN

Offer more time. "Is there anything else you'd like to talk about", "Would you want to finish this conversation tomorrow", etc. An important close. Let the sadness run. It's just a bad meal I have to finish. Asking me if I have any ideas on solutions, and offering solutions is empathetic and I adore it, but I don't always need it. Just knowing someone is around is great.

This might not ring true for everyone, but it definitely does for me. What do you like when you're sad? I appreciate, specific questions, recognizing my sadness, validating my emotion, listening and responsive ideas on resolution. People are too fixated on *fixing* me. You don't have to! I'm not broken. I'm a human. I need to cry, and when I'm told to "stop crying", it makes me feel like I'm being wrong for being sad, and I don't believe in that. I don't have to be "cheered" up. Just because I'm sad doesn't mean I have to change right in that moment :) I'm honestly okay with being sad more than ever, and all of the above mentioned are contributing factors. So thank you to everyone who has done so for me. Love you all, byyyyyyyyyeeeeee. Sad girls club, wut.

..BUT SWEETER

Bless up, Kim K for sharing this gem on her Snapchat today.

Can you imagine if we all had music videos to timeline the times of our life? But nah, here we are. With our blogs and Instagrams. C'est la vie, non?

Whenever people ask me why I'm snapchatting or whatever now, I'm straight up going to say, Kim K, thanks for the memories.

Look it up, boy.