DEAR WORLD, SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A SECOND.

things that i wish/feel at the moment:
- i wish my stupid pictures would upload already
- i feel trapped.
- i wish i had a cool neighbour who would drink beers w/me.. and compliment me. haha.
- i feel like taking my berry and throwing into a really deep hole.
- i wish cell phones had selective temporary blocking.
- i wish i was a billionaire.
- i wish i didn't see that picture of nas & amy winehouse (*gagfest 2010)
- i feel like this city has nothing for me right now.
- i wish i could make everything turn out the way i wanted it to.

AND, the biggest wish of all!.. i wish i knew what the fuck i wanted.

AN 8TH MOMENT WITH BOTCH.

so all you gotta do is get lost between god and a shot of scotch.i'm extremely moody. extremely. i try not to be, but i totally am. i go through hot and cold moments. one minute i'm up, the next i'm down. i'm bitchy when i'm bitchy, and i will diss the fuck outta you til you say "fuck, this botch girl, she's a fucking bitch". hey, *shrug*, i don't mean to do it, honestly.
i LOOOVE animals. not to the point where i'd throw paint on a fur coat, or stop eating meat.. but if i go to a petting zoo, i'll be having a salad for dinner.
i looove dogs. every single fucking thing about them.. i just got a new puppy and named it esco. pics soon, you'll love her!
i'm not really grossed out by blood and guts in horror movies, or tv documentaries.. i think that shit is so fucking cool. like, that's my favorite part in zombie movies. mm yes, GUTS! i love guts! i love seeing intestines stretch and body parts break! yaayyuuRR.. and when it's like lypo on tv, and they're cutting fat or some shit.. don't phase me.
i really don't like taking the strainers out of showers though. that shit creeps me the fuck out. i hate hair.. well actually, no i won't say that.. i hate WET hair.. like if my cousin uses my brush or some shit, i can remove that no problem.. but when it comes to soapy wet hair, ew. kill me now.

what's with all this gross talk?! i dunno. it's just being typed people, can't stop it.
my boyfriend and i argue about dumb shit. such stupid shit, it's retarded. in fact, i don't think we've ever really had a REAL fight. like a "why you talking to that girl/dude" or "you forgot my birthday" type fights. no. we're really good with that shit. it's the whole, "you left your clothes on the floor" type fights. i'm usually the one to call him over to "resolve things", and that urks me some days. just once, i want you to come up to me and say "hey can this little fight thing we have going on be done now". i always try to put myself in your shoes, and i will always do my absolute best to keep things right. it's nice to know our problems have so far been so minimal, and i know i'm not the greatest girlfriend in life.. but i'm yours, so suck it up playa. hahah. just kidding. i got you cudder, love me.
NEVER LET YOUR AUDIENCE SEE YOU SWEAT. they can never know if you're under. people tend to take advantage of the un-knowing and that's some shit i will definitely not tolerate. so bottle that shit up.. and whip out one of the tricks you have under your sleeve. i got one hundred trillion.. so where should i start?

my bad for not being on the bloggin tip. having a new puppy is like having a fucking baby. it's like the ultimate test to see what kind of mom i'd be.. abusive. JUST KIDDING. i don't hit puppies. i've just been trying to hold down a relationship while trying to potty train a puppy, and when you're juggling that.. no fuck that, when you're juggling THAT, trying to make a dollar, keeping your nikes away from puppy teeth, and organizing your life.. well.. blogging moves a little further down the list.. BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN, it doesnt mean the world to me.. what means the world to you !? DIAMOND RINGS, bloggin tings.. emotional balance. being a better person. treating my boyfriend the way he deserves to be treated. remembering to do things for myself. treating people who deserve it, well. treating bitches, like shit. friends. family. christmas!

so.. on this fine tuesday afternoon, lemme know..

what means the world to you?

FRESH TO DEF WITH AN EGO.. HALF FRENCH & FILIPINO.. GOT A BERRY TO FEEL IMPORTANT, SURROUNDING ONLY WITH SNEAKER HEADS IN JORDANS.. IT'S CHRISTMAS, SICK, WE CAN ALL GET ILL - WHAT'S THE DEAL?

aint no fam like the one i got.. no one can blaze you betta..so my cousins and i had a long comment thread on facebook on a christmas picture of all of us. basically it was just us getting excited for christmas.. so we thought, why wait? tonight we're having a christmas rager.. and in celebration of that, i've decided to make this photo friday all family pictures. i love you bitches (most days!)


christmas '05


the very first day i taught my grandpa how to throw up "wu-tang".


the two people in my family i share a birthday with!


my only other half-breed cousin!


attractive.


.. my tummy's like that cause i was sneaking in my camera


wu-tang forever.








everyone fell asleep on me after thanksgiving dinner.


:)






my family does christmas bigger than big.


even taugt lola the wu-tang. lola knows.


tee hee.






this was our "just won the lottery" pose!








BAYBEE KAY-WAH!!





i'm too lazy to look through any more folders.. and i can't even believe some of the ones i've posted.. ew.
MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS! now let's fuckin drank..!! ..in like 6 hours cuz we gotta keep it proper.

TALL BOYFRIENDS AND HEARTBREAKS.

PRIDE - HAD TO SWALLOW THAT, TRUTH - DON'T WANNA HOLLOW THAT, YOUR HEART COULD GET BROKEN; YOU DON'T WANNA FOLLOW THAT.

.. but fuck it, i'll jump. we had our little months. he took me through the 905, we had our little fun.. your dislikes, i did like. yeah i remember them nights.. went home thinking "man i don't do shit right". i'm damned if i stay & i'm damned if i leave ya.. you just wasn't ready, and i wasn't either.

THROWBACK THURSDAY

THE EX-BOYFRIEND EDITION

he was the first hip hop head to ever impress me. i know. bold statement.. but it's true.
at the time i was seventeen. i wasn't really a bad kid, but i was no angel. i was having a rough time trying to place myself into .. what i wanted to be. i was struggling with who i was, and my actions helped me none. i was partying like a fucking rock star. i went out literally every fucking night and just got wasted. wait what?! have things even changed?! hahaha. basically i was getting my heart broken, and this dude was there for me. & for the sake of story-telling, we'll call him.. cam (dipset!).
anyway.. it started out as him being a really good friend. we would talk on the phone fooooorrr houuurrs. literally hours, about hip hop and weekends.. and about five months deep, AS FRIENDS..
the very first day we hung out, was AWKWARD AS SHIT. we met at harvey's on gerrard street.. and i was hungry.. so i got in line to buy food.. as i'm standing in line, my wallet breaks.. AND ALL THIS CHANGE FALLS OUT.. literally like $5.00 worth of coins all over the fucking place.. and i'm like "fuck. really?". it was embarrassing as shit, but that didn't stop cam from asking me to be his girlfriend.
literally almost everyone we knew was against us being together, at least, that's what he told me.. and i could kind of understand why seeing as i kind of ..some what.. had a thing with his cousin jim (which you can re-visit HERE).. whatever, so people hated us. i didn't give a fuck. i was into him, and he was into me, that's all that mattered at the time.
we had a good four month run. we laughed at each other's jokes. i got him into sneakers. we had endless hip hop debates (A WHOLE HOUR ON KRS-ONE! you remember that shit!?).. and it was an over-all good time. he was even the first dude i ever admitted to dating. i told my mom. i was like "i'm dating cam, mom".. and she was all "yeah cool. don't get pregnant". LOL.
i was in toronto (where he was from), without any money to my name, and no place to stay.. so i ended up staying at my friend's AUNTS house. i know. what? haha. it's what i had to do after blowing all my moms money. she refused to wire me more after i blew so much.. mostly on cigarettes and coke (the drink people, not the drug).. might i add. gross. there was a heatwave in toronto at this time, and our dorm room (where i was staying before maribeth's aunts') didn't have air conditioning.. maribeth and i would take turns hanging out in the freezer.. LOL. anyway, i was staying there, and he would make the 2 hour mission every morning to come and hang out with me and my friends aunt, who basically became our aunt, made us breakfast EVERY MORNING. every morning, when i woke up.. there would be two places set, one for me, one for cam.
we did all the typical teenage love gay type relationship shit. one day we were outside on the stoop of our aunts apartment while i was having a smoke.. i made him try smoking and he did. we made out and some four year old yelled at us "get a room!!" and cam was all "HEY!! come back here!" hahaha.. we had some classic moments.. i got this dude DRUNK for the first time. i made him skip work for the first time. he bought cigarettes for me! i wasn't legal in toronto, he was lol.. i was the bad influence in his life, and for some reason.. that worked.
.. and then.. then i came back to winnipeg.. figuring maybe it could still work.. so i was staying at my mom & stepdad's house, and we were on the phone.. and here's what happened:
cam: .. i love you.
botch: what?
cam: .. i do though!
botch: don't say that
cam: hold on a second.
AND HE COVERS THE PHONE OKAY.. as he answers his cell phone, all i hear is "yeah i'm kinda busy right now.. i'll call you before i go to sleep though.. yeah baby, i'm not doing anything! don't worry. i'll call you later. love you too".
OH NO THIS BITCH DID NOT!! lol..so i ask him
botch: where'd you go?
cam: oh my mom just asked me to help her with something right quick.
botch: oh yeah?! who called your cell phone?!
cam: ... what?
botch: BYE. *hang up.*
and he kept calling. he called like 10 times, and my cell phone was dead, so he was calling my step dad's.. at like 2 in the morning okay. i had to leave the phone off the hook so the ringing wouldn't wake them up.. I WAS INFURIATED, and broken. i cried myself to sleep on a couch. there i was. i was broke, so many people hated me, i was sleeping on a fucking couch, crying my ass off thinking "this mother fucker".
that was enough man. thoughts of going back to toronto went to shit after that. how you gonna tell me you love me for the first time while you're still with your fucking girlfriend?! i was fucking HEARTBROKEN. he was the first dude to ever cheat on me. i'd blast slow jams all day and just write journal entries of how much it hurt. i'd bash him all day and i partied to the extreme. i went through a straight rage period. i didn't talk to him for like a year after that.. i couldn't. all of our conversations would just be one of us yelling at each other, or one of us hanging up.
even when we did start talking again he would never admit to it.. it wasn't until he did admit to it that we finally became good again.. not great, good. we're friends now.. and in between the years that passed, we've had one too many conversations of "should we give it another shot?".
to this day, i still don't know the whole truth. i mean i do, but i don't know the details.. and i don't plan on finding out. it's over, it's done. the whole situation was just two kids being kids, but we're older now.. and it's nice to actually be in a good place.. because it took us a LONG fucking time to get here. he still pisses me off some times, and i'm sure i still piss him off.. but i'll never regret cam, i wear his dog-tags from time to time to remind me.. at one point, we really had one hell of a time. cheers to you and screw faces.


LUUUUUUUCCCKKKYYYY!!

A 7TH MOMENT WITH BOTCH.

I'M KIND OF A LOOSE CANNON.

i put everyone before myself. as much as i'd like to think i don't, i do. almost every single fucking thing i do, is because i'm putting someone else ahead of me. i never reject phone calls. if ever i'm needed, i'm there.. and it bugs me some times.. not so much HELPING people per say.. more so of, never having any "me time". the less i get of it, the more of a prick i am. & people never seem to get that. i enjoy doing absolutely nothing. sometimes it's nice not to say shit! just to fucking have company by your side, a beer, and look at the sky.. yo! to me.. that's good shit.
i dye my hair a lot.. i'd say at least ten times a year.. but i haven't at all this year. this year i'm straying away from all the usual botch things.. not by choice.. it kind of just happened. here's what my life was like before.. every sunday was music day. i'd splurge on cds. every monday and wednesday, was deposit days. every thursday was money making day. & i would write, A LOT. & i went out every single fucking night. i haven't dyed my hair in over six months (NATURAL SHIT?! SO BORING). i haven't bought sneakers since.. OCTOBER. i haven't written anything in my notebook for over a year.. and all of that being typed out into words kind of hits like a slap to the face.. cause once you say it, it's real.
i enjoy being busy.. really i do. i enjoy having a schedule filled with people and errands. that shit's fucking grand.. but if i don't get at least one day a week to do shit all, i'll go fucking crazy. i'm a fucking capricorn man, you know how ocd we are?!
i think all of the above mentioned is 50% of why i'm going back to toronto this august. i miss my second home. i don't think i've gone a day these past few months without saying "i miss toronto". that ain't even it no more though, is it? fuck saying that. i miss myself. i miss being independent, i miss buying music, i miss writing, i miss going to the library with a iced chai latte in hand - filling my head with literature on a cold winter day; i miss botch!

i can't stand how everyone is trying to fill my head with "this is what you should do". what pricks. we need to stop focusing on what we should do and just do what we do. if we concentrate so hard on what's right and what's wrong, we're stuck in that race. that race of constant thinking without realizing we're getting lapped every time we dare to over-analyze. i don't wanna do that shit man, i just wanna chill and have a good time.. i wanna cross that finish line knowing that i put myself into it.

& i'm saying all this feeling that i'm giving off this "i'm not happy" vibe.. that's not it at all. i am enjoying every second of breath right now. but some days.. the best things in life, are having a beer and enjoying a real genuine conversation. i'd rather do that than hear shitty music around people who talk shit about who they'd rather fuck. drama is a fucking bitch man. & so are the people who bring it forward. i'm ready to scream "fuck you drama!" while i pour myself another/

this summer is dedicated to warm nights, good books, cold beer, good friends, beaches, moments of silence, and hip hop.
& i won't have it any other fucking way.. time for some action!

SUMMMMMMERRRTIME (!!!!!)

so i wasn't going to do a mixtape monday today. i'm pretty fucking beat (BEACH DAY, i'm dark yayurr), and just wasn't down. then i found this gem.

picture every summer song you've ever played as your summer anthem. fuck that. picture every fucking song you've ever loved.. now picture that, and combine it with impeccable mixing. add a few spruces, and you have yourselves fire ladies and germs.

with 49 song snippets grazed to sound like one continuous flow of awesome, jazzy jeff and mick boogie hand you the only thing that should be played ANYWHERE, at ALL times for summer 2010. i feel like every song i've connected to/played 947651 times a day/known every single lyric/bunned to/drank to/chilled to/slept to/cried to AT ONE POINT. literally everything on this fucking piece of sex for your ears is FUCKING AMAZING..

and if you don't believe me.. please revert yourself to this tracklisting.


1. Summertime Intro
2. Kool & The Gang - Summer Madness (Live Version)
3. Kool & The Gang - Summer Madness
4. Quincy Jones - Summer In The City
5. Ahmad - Back In The Day
6. Ice Cube - It Was A Good Day
7. Roy Ayers f. Mary J Blige - Everybody Loves The Sunshine
8. Pharcyde - Passin Me By (Ffej Remix)
9. Jay-Z f. Babyface - Sunshine
10. Ramsey Lewis - Sun Goddess
11. A Tribe Called Quest - Find A Way (Ffej String Edit)
12. Bush Babees f. Mos Def - The Love Song
13. Jodeci - Get On Up
14. The Commodores - High On Sunshine
15. J Dilla f. Dwele - Think Twice
16. Erick Sermon f. Marvin Gaye - Music (Mick's Marvapella Edit)
17. Bernard Wright - Who Do You Love
18. LL Cool J - Loungin
19. A Tribe Called Quest - Hot Sex
20. Main Source - Live At The BBQ
21. Nuyorican Soul - Nautilus
22. Pharcyde & Sublime - Summertime
23. Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff - Summertime Remix
24. Michael Jackson - I Can't Help It
25. De La Soul - Breakdawn
26. Musiq - Just Friends
27. Carl Thomas - Summer Rain
28. Faze-O - Riding High
29. Dionne Warwick - Walk On By
30. Skee-Lo - I Wish
31. Black Moon - Who Got The Props
32. Frankie Beverly and Maze - Before I Let Go
33. Nu Shooz - I Can't Wait
34. Montell Jordan - This Is How We Do It
35. The Roots f. George Benson - Breezin
36. Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff - Time To Chill
37. Biggie - Can't You See
38. James Brown - The Payback
39. En Vogue - My Lovin
40. Bobby McFerrin - Sunshine Of My Life
41. Fifth Dimension - Let The Sun Shine In
42. Mos Def - Sunshine
43. Nine - Whatcha Want
44. Otis Redding - Sittin On The Dock
45. 2Pac - I Get Around (Mick's String Edit)
46. Zapp - Computer Love (Terry's Mirage On The Water Mix)
47. Seals And Croft - Summer Breeze
48. Jay-Z - Dear Summer
49. Weldon Irvine - Morning Sunrise

LIVE AT THE BBQ?! YESSSS! nas i love you so much, i don't think you understand. please lemme have your babies.. and i won't rob you..
too much? k den.
BUT SERIOUSLY, 85% of those songs have been featured on my blog already.. so you know this shit is good;) & it can be yours, all you gotta do is click HERE

5/5

i've had a terribly rough week. since last monday my world done went to shit.. and after hearing this, i reminded myself.. things'll look up. i'm in a really good place. i won't let anything/anyone ruin it.. and yo, i'm having a good ass time doing that.

what's that? my phone's ringing? DAH WELL! stupid mothahhh suuckkahhhs!!